SNL Transcripts: Matthew Perry: 10/04/97: Spartan Cheerleaders


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Spartan Cheerleaders

Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri

Craig: I think it’s over here, I can’t find it.

Arianna: Get the light. Ow, my foot.

Craig: Oh, I found the switch, I found the switch.

Arianna: Turn it on, turn it on.

Craig: Oh, ok, great.

(They sit down on bench)

Arianna: Oh my God, Craig, do you realize that tryouts are in seven hours?

Craig: Yes.

Arianna: I can’t believe we snuck into the gym to practice our cheers!

Craig: Yea!

Arianna: How did you learn to jimmy a door?

Craig: Where else? McGyver. I used my retainer and a small piece of twine.

Arianna: Good work. You wanna kick it?

Craig: Let’s do it.

Arianna: Ok.

(They stand up and cheer)

Spartan check up.
Take a chance
Drop your pants
Pee in the cup.

Doctor Spartan’s in the house
And he will fix you up.
Break it down now.

Spartan fever
Take it off.
Fever’s rising.
Time to cough.

(Arianna grabs Craig’s crotch.)

(Arianna sits on Craig’s foot. Craig turns in circles.)

Craig: Who’s that Spartan clinging on to me?

Arianna: It’s me, it’s me!

Craig: I said who’s that Spartan clinging on to me?

Arianna: It’s me, it’s me!

Uh huh…uh huh… uh huh, uh huh, uh huh
Respect peoples personal space! Wooo!

(Two Jumps)

Craig: Oh my God, Arianna, can you believe summer’s over already?

Arianna: I know, Craig. I already miss my summer job at Kenny Rogers Rosters. I’m still getting the news letter though.

Craig: Yea, well I’m glad my life guarding job is over. I did not enjoy taking off my shirt.

Arianna: Nah, nah… Greg, tomorrow morning we are going to be real Spartan cheerleaders!

Craig: This has got to be our year. It was an awesome idea to practice all night.

Arianna: Yea, and my parents will never know I’m gone. I put my brother’s blow up doll underneath my sheets.

Craig: Oh, oh, the one that looks like a really surprised Sheena Easton?

Arianna: Yea. (makes face with an “O”)

Arianna: Craig, read me your top three goals for this school year and I’ll read you mine. Ok?

Craig: Ok, number three – don’t respond when people say “I wish you were dead.”

Arianna: Good one.

Craig: Uh, number two – develop my calf muscles.

Arianna: Ok.

Craig: Number one, make the Spartan squad.

Arianna: Oh my God, Craig, I almost just cried. My turn.

Craig: Ok.

Arianna: Mmm, my paper smells like strawberries.

Craig: Oh it does!

Arianna: Ok, number three – wean myself off my sports bra. Its time – my mom said.

Craig: Yea, it is, it is.

Arianna: Number two – remember that extra strength pampren is a drug, not a candy.

Craig: Right, right.

Arianna: And number one – make the Spartan squad.

(They hug)

Arianna: Craig!

Craig: I’m getting so wired!

Arianna: Well maybe it’s because we’ve had nine cups of coffee within an hour.

Craig: And, we’re coffee virgins.

Arianna: Craig, I am so buzzed. I feel like Keith Richards, and I like it.

Craig: I’m just coo coo for coffee.

Arianna: Say what? Cheer voice

(They stand up and cheer)

A wanna wanna Juan Veldez
Say what?
A wanna wanna Juan Veldez
Say what?

His beans they come from Columbia way
He rides on his funky donkey everyday

A wanna wanna Juan Veldez
Say what?
A wanna wanna Juan Veldez
Say what?

We’re on a caffeine high
So hold on tight
Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Erin Illian

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x