Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 2
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm Macdonald.Now, the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Yesterday, just yesterday, in a letter to Congress,Attorney General Janet Reno absolved President Clintonof almost all charges of campaign finance reform.According to Reno, there is no evidence he misused hisoffice to raise money, improperly allowed contributorsto stay overnight at the White House, or soughtcontributions in exchange for political favors. Youknow, it’s hard for me to believe this but, for JanetReno to send this letter, I guess it must be true: thePresident’s sleeping with her, too. It’s …[scattered applause] It’s beyond comprehensionbut–
Earlier today, some six hundred thousand members ofthe Promise Keepers, the evangelical men’s group,convened in Washington, D. C. for a day of prayer andrepentance. Oh, no! I – I promised to go to thatthing! And I forgot! DAMN IT TO HELL! … It’s mywife’s fault! She didn’t remind me, that dirty–! …Oh, well.
More bad news for O. J. Simpson. This week, a LosAngeles court ordered him to turn over his HeismanTrophy to the Goldman family. In addition, the samecourt may order Simpson to surrender a coffee muginscribed, “World’s Greatest Husband” …
A new development in the Marv Albert story. This week,his accuser, Vanessa Perhatch, [photo of Perhatchappears] decided to go public, allowing news agenciesto print her name and picture. Following thepublications of the photograph, legal experts wereleft wondering — who was the realvictim? … [cheers and applause, Norm jerks athumb at the photo] Not easy on the eye! …
In a recent interview on the subject of parenting,Jane Fonda admitted that it wasn’t easy to talk to herchildren about sex. But she felt it was necessarybecause she did not want them to learn about sex theway that she did — by reading North Vietnamesepropaganda pamphlets. … We’re not gonna forget that– Hanoi Jane! …
It was a bad week for the restaurant chain Hooters.The company has been forced to pay 3.75 milliondollars to settle a sex discrimination suit brought bymale job applicants who claim that its policy ofhiring only women is unfair. The settlement was hailedas a landmark case — for guys who try to ruineverything. … [cheers and applause] You don’t wannago to Hooters and a dude shows up at your table,y’know? …
Action star Arnold Schwarzenegger is reportedlyplanning to appear in an upcoming production of theBroadway musical “The King and I.” Schwarzenegger saysthat, in contrast to other actors’ portrayals of theKing of Siam, his will be really, reallyhorrible. …
Also in entertainment, the play “Hiroshima,” a tributeto the victims of the first atomic bomb, with musicand singing by Yoko Ono, opened in New York City thisweek. One tearful Japanese survivor of the attack whoattended the premiere called the play, quote, “themost horrifying experience of my life”! … [applause]
And in entertainment news, Ellen DeGeneres and loverAnne Heche have announced that they want to have ababy. However, their plan has hit a snag. They areboth women! … [applause] It’s – It is notpossible to – have a child.
Well, Bart, the eighteen hundred pound bear whoco-stars with Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin in themovie “The Edge,” reportedly earns a whopping tenthousand dollars per day as a Hollywood actor. A smallamount of the grizzly’s income goes toward thepreservation of bears’ natural habitat. Bart spendsthe remaining money on bear whores and cocaine.…
And, on a happier note, in Massachusetts, the 119-acreDunn Pond State Park has the state’s first naturetrail designed for the handicapped. Along the trail,you will find a rich variety of birds, lizards andinsects — all of them handicapped. So … It’snot really a very good trail, y’know? …
And, next summer in Battle Creek, Michigan, Kellogg’swill open Cereal City, a new, eighteen million dollartheme park. [pulls tape recorder from pocket,activates it and speaks into it] Note to self: startbuying upland next to cereal theme park – then openmilk theme park … And watch the money rollin! … [shuts off recorder and pockets it with asmug grin] …
[Photo of midget with oversized head resemblingactor/comedian Eddie Murphy] Well, finally, theGuinness Book of World Records announced this weekthat Gul Mohammed of New Delhi, at 22.8 inches tall,is the shortest man in the world — to have EddieMurphy’s head. … [applause]And that’s it, folks. Thanks a lot.
[Music. Cheers and more applause.Fade.]Submitted Anonymously
