SNL Transcripts: Brendan Fraser: 10/18/97: Issues


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 3



97c: Brendan Fraser / Bjork

Issues

Jeffrey…Jim Breuer
Co-host…Brendan Fraser
Guest…Ana Gasteyer

[Opens with wide shot of “Issues” set: A chair, sofa and coffee table in front of a brick wall with a giant marijuana leaf hanging on it. Theme music plays. Cut to close-up of Jeffrey and co-host on the sofa. Co-host is giggling as Jeffrey talks.]

Jeffrey: [Eats some potato chips.] Hi. Hi, um, I’m Jeffrey Kauffman. Welcome to “Issues,” the show dedicated to the legalization of marijuana. But, no, but-but not today. Not today. [Co-host giggles and shakes his head.] ‘Cause people say that’s all we talk about. But we’re not, not today. Today, we’re talking about community issues. [Co-host keeps giggling] And as always, my co-host… [Jeffrey looks over at co-host giggling, which causes him to giggle for a second.] You all right, man? You going to be able to go through this, man? All right. If you say so. I’m gonna–Where’s your head at, man? [Co-host points to his head, then to the table.] All right, you’re here, you’re here. All right. So–I’m gonna go with you on that one. Now, today we have a guest. And she wanted to talk about some issues. [Co-host cracks up.] What, man? What’re you laughing at?

Co-host: The show, man. It’s called “Issues.”

Jeffrey: Yeah, so, the show’s called that. [Begins laughing along with co-host.] I see what you’re laughin’ at. That’s really funny. All right. [Takes a deep breath to regain his composure and turns to guest.] So, what–what’s your issue?

Guest: Well, Jeffrey.

Jeffrey: Uh, you know what? You know what? Call me, um … uh … oh, call … Just call me Jeffrey, man. I’m sorry.

Guest: O-Okay, Jeffrey, I’m here today to talk about the annual Saint Paul’s Festival …

Jeffrey: Eh, you know what? I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t make any sense just now. I was trying to think about what my friends called me in high school and I lost track and … I’m sorry. You’re talking about the festival thing. Go on, I’m sorry.

Guest: Well, it’s the Saint Paul’s Festival where we raise money to buy playground equipment for children, and…. [Jeffrey starts eating chips again, not paying attention, while co-host starts giggling again.] Hello? Hello?

Jeffrey: What?

Guest: Are-Are you all right?

Jeffrey: Oh yeah, yeah, no, I’m listening. You got your festival thing and everyone’s there and, no, I’m with you. I’m with you.

Guest: Well, there’ll be a cake walk and a bake sale.

Co-host: Bake sale? I’ll be there!

Jeffrey: [Laughing with co-host] Bake sale, he’ll be there! That’s funny! [Calms down.] Tell us about the festival.

Co-host: No. Tell us more about the baking! [Jeffrey and co-host laugh.]

Jeffrey: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please go on. Please go on. [Co-host is doubled over with laughter.]

Guest: Well, the festival is this Wednesday and it’s… [Tries to continue over the hosts’ laughter] … 10 A.M. to 10 P.M. at the fairgrounds.

Jeffrey: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. [To co-host] Listen, you gotta go in the other room. Get out. In the other room.

Co-host: No!

Jeffrey: Yes, go. Get outta here. [Hands co-host the bag of chips as he exits.] Take these with you. I don’t want anymore. [Calms down.] Okay, I really want to go to this festival, okay. So, when-when does it start?

Guest: [Impatiently.] It’s the Saint Paul’s Festival. It starts at 10 A.M. and it goes until 10 P.M.

Co-host: [Yelling off-camera] I hope I don’t miss the bake sale. [Laughs]

Jeffrey: [Laughing] Hope he don’t miss the bake sale. That’s funny! [Panicked] Oh no! Oh no, oh no! What time is it?! Is it after three?

Co-host: I knew you were gonna forget, man!

Jeffrey: [Clutches head] Oh, no! I was supposed to pick up my parents at the airport at three! Oh my God, we’re dead. I’m so dead. [Runs out.]

Co-host: You blew it, man.

Guest: [Looks at camera.] Well it’s the Saint Paul’s Festival. It starts at 10 A.M., and it …

[Jeffrey and co-host run back to the set.]

Jeffrey: I gotta get my keys. Hold on, where’s my keys? Oh my God, I’m so dead.

Guest: I’m sorry, I don’t know.

Jeffrey: [Co-host shows him the keys.] What are you doing? You got me nuts.

Co-host: You told me to keep ’em, man. [Both exit.]

Jeffrey: You were supposed to remind me, man.

Guest: Again, it’s the Saint Paul’s Festival. It’s this Wednesday, and it starts at 10 A… [Theme music cuts her off.]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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