Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 3
[Opens with wide shot of “Issues” set: A chair, sofa and coffee table in front of a brick wall with a giant marijuana leaf hanging on it. Theme music plays. Cut to close-up of Jeffrey and co-host on the sofa. Co-host is giggling as Jeffrey talks.]
Jeffrey: [Eats some potato chips.] Hi. Hi, um, I’m Jeffrey Kauffman. Welcome to “Issues,” the show dedicated to the legalization of marijuana. But, no, but-but not today. Not today. [Co-host giggles and shakes his head.] ‘Cause people say that’s all we talk about. But we’re not, not today. Today, we’re talking about community issues. [Co-host keeps giggling] And as always, my co-host… [Jeffrey looks over at co-host giggling, which causes him to giggle for a second.] You all right, man? You going to be able to go through this, man? All right. If you say so. I’m gonna–Where’s your head at, man? [Co-host points to his head, then to the table.] All right, you’re here, you’re here. All right. So–I’m gonna go with you on that one. Now, today we have a guest. And she wanted to talk about some issues. [Co-host cracks up.] What, man? What’re you laughing at?
Co-host: The show, man. It’s called “Issues.”
Jeffrey: Yeah, so, the show’s called that. [Begins laughing along with co-host.] I see what you’re laughin’ at. That’s really funny. All right. [Takes a deep breath to regain his composure and turns to guest.] So, what–what’s your issue?
Guest: Well, Jeffrey.
Jeffrey: Uh, you know what? You know what? Call me, um … uh … oh, call … Just call me Jeffrey, man. I’m sorry.
Guest: O-Okay, Jeffrey, I’m here today to talk about the annual Saint Paul’s Festival …
Jeffrey: Eh, you know what? I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t make any sense just now. I was trying to think about what my friends called me in high school and I lost track and … I’m sorry. You’re talking about the festival thing. Go on, I’m sorry.
Guest: Well, it’s the Saint Paul’s Festival where we raise money to buy playground equipment for children, and…. [Jeffrey starts eating chips again, not paying attention, while co-host starts giggling again.] Hello? Hello?
Guest: Are-Are you all right?
Jeffrey: Oh yeah, yeah, no, I’m listening. You got your festival thing and everyone’s there and, no, I’m with you. I’m with you.
Guest: Well, there’ll be a cake walk and a bake sale.
Co-host: Bake sale? I’ll be there!
Jeffrey: [Laughing with co-host] Bake sale, he’ll be there! That’s funny! [Calms down.] Tell us about the festival.
Co-host: No. Tell us more about the baking! [Jeffrey and co-host laugh.]
Jeffrey: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please go on. Please go on. [Co-host is doubled over with laughter.]
Guest: Well, the festival is this Wednesday and it’s… [Tries to continue over the hosts’ laughter] … 10 A.M. to 10 P.M. at the fairgrounds.
Jeffrey: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. [To co-host] Listen, you gotta go in the other room. Get out. In the other room.
Jeffrey: Yes, go. Get outta here. [Hands co-host the bag of chips as he exits.] Take these with you. I don’t want anymore. [Calms down.] Okay, I really want to go to this festival, okay. So, when-when does it start?
Guest: [Impatiently.] It’s the Saint Paul’s Festival. It starts at 10 A.M. and it goes until 10 P.M.
Co-host: [Yelling off-camera] I hope I don’t miss the bake sale. [Laughs]
Jeffrey: [Laughing] Hope he don’t miss the bake sale. That’s funny! [Panicked] Oh no! Oh no, oh no! What time is it?! Is it after three?
Co-host: I knew you were gonna forget, man!
Jeffrey: [Clutches head] Oh, no! I was supposed to pick up my parents at the airport at three! Oh my God, we’re dead. I’m so dead. [Runs out.]
Co-host: You blew it, man.
Guest: [Looks at camera.] Well it’s the Saint Paul’s Festival. It starts at 10 A.M., and it …[Jeffrey and co-host run back to the set.]
Jeffrey: I gotta get my keys. Hold on, where’s my keys? Oh my God, I’m so dead.
Guest: I’m sorry, I don’t know.
Jeffrey: [Co-host shows him the keys.] What are you doing? You got me nuts.
Co-host: You told me to keep ’em, man. [Both exit.]
Jeffrey: You were supposed to remind me, man.
Guest: Again, it’s the Saint Paul’s Festival. It’s this Wednesday, and it starts at 10 A… [Theme music cuts her off.]
Submitted by: John Ravetti