Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 3
[ open on Housewife entering suburban kitchen ]
Housewife: I love my family, but cleaning up after them can be a full-time job. That’s when I reach for Lemon Glow.[ Music Over: “Lemon Tree” ]
Housewife: Only ten years ago, a clean kitchen was the last thing on my mind. I was sleeping in doorways and unlocked cars, and I had a pretty nasty speed habit. Hell, back then I’d do anyone who owned a motorcycle. I remember this one time in.. 1983 – I was going out with Frank. We got into a vicious fight because I made out with this Puerto Rican guy at the OTB. So I cut him with a broken ashtray.[ admiring floor ] Wow! Look at that shine!
That night, while he was sleeping, I shot his dog and burned his house on fire. I never did find out if he woke up or not. And then after shacking up with Iggy Pop for a month, I met Ted.
Husband: [ entering kitchen ] Hey!
Housewife: [ surprised ] Hi! [ to camera ] To be honest, this whole family thing started out as a con. I was going to play Ted like a punk and sell his telescope for pot. But with Lemon Glow on my side, I think I’ll stay.
Announcer: Lemon Glow. For the home you weren’t sure you wanted.