Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 3
Monday Night Football
Frank Gifford…..Darrell Hammond
Dan Dierdorf…..Will Ferrell
Al Michaels…..Norm MacDonald
[ open on pan of exterior football stadium ]
Frank Gifford V/O: A beautiful night here in Northern California. A spectacular sight, a world-famous site – downtown San Francisco, here at 3Com Park. We’ll have a good cowd tonight, as the San Francisco 49ers go up against the Jacksonville Jaguars, here on “Monday Night Football”.
[ dissolve to Frank Gifford, Al Michaels and Dan Dierdorf on the sidelines ]
Frank Gifford: Hello again, everyone. Frank Gifford, with al Michaels and Dan Dierdorf, and.. Dan, what a night for football.
Dan Dierdorf: That’s right, Frank! In fact —
Frank Gifford: [ interrupting, dominating the commentary ] It’s a good game coming up for you tonight – Jacksonville at San Francisco! The 49ers coming off a big win over Tampa Bay, they’re 5 and 1, and their new coach has them riding high! Al Michaels, this one should be a dandy!
Al Michaels: Absolutely, Frank, we’ve got —
Frank Gifford: [ interrupting again ] As for Jacksonville, this is a good-looking team, a rising team, a young team, a talented football team! They came into the season thinking great things for this football team. The combination of Mark Brunell and these Jaguars seem like a match made in heaven! But, then, as happens in all marriages, it went terribly wrong.
Dan Dierdorf: [ starting to get worried ] Okay, uh, Frank..?
Frank Gifford: Mark Brunell going down due to a knee injury pre-season, against the New York Giants, August 9th. A moment of human weakness for Mark Brummell, just a man like all of us, with certain frailties and urges. and, worst of all, the whole ugly affair secretly captured on videotape!
Al Michaels: [ stunned ] Well, that’s great, Frank. Anyway, we’re about to kick off —
Frank Gifford: It’s supposed to be a private affair, between two consenting football teams! I guess there’s no such thing as privacy anymore! A momentary lapse resulting in public humiliation, the details of which, graphically recounted in Star Magazine. And, as if that isn’t bad enough, every morning he has to watch the Jacksonsville Jaguars sit down with a little guy named Regis! Yucking it up! Like the Jaguars never made a mistake in her whole life! I mean, Mark Brunell’s been with the Jaguars for so long, through thick and thin.. like that old K-Mart sweatshop thing. Then he blows out his knee out one time, and someone cuts his picture out of all the wedding photos!
Dan Dierdorf: [ dearly worried for Frank ] F-Frank.. why don’t we —
Frank Gifford: I guess if Eve hadn’t taken a bite from that apple, we’d all be perfect like the Man Upstairs. And poor Natrone Means, the Jaguars running back – who I’ll refer to as “Cody” from now on – getting caught in the middle of this whole sordid affair. It’s just not right! [ changing the subject ] So, gentlemen, what do you make of the field conditions for today’s game?
Al Michaels: Well.. [ coughs ] The field seems.. pretty.. good..
Dan Dierdorf: Yes.. yes, it does. Anyway —
Frank Gifford: Just when you think the whole thing’s blown over, the New York Giants show up on the cover of Playboy wrapped in a towel!
Dan Dierdorf: Hey, Frank, we’ve got a special guest in the booth tonight. Former NFL great, Rams running back – Eric Dickerson!
[ Al Michaels steps aside, as Eric Dickerson enters frame ]
Frank Gifford: Well, thanks for joining us, Eric. What do you make of this match-up tonight?
Eric Dickerson: Well, Frank, these two teams could very well —
Frank Gifford: [ interrupting again, more agitated ] Well, I’ve had enough of those Jaguars, I’m telling you! It’s enough to make a man go out and blow out his knee again! It’s not like he has anything to lose. Who knows, maybe Mark Brunell will go get his knee blown out tonight – freaky-style! – with, like, three other teams, maybe. It’s gonna be wild! We’ll be back with more Monday Night Football action after this commercial break. [ muttering to himself ] I mean, Mark Brunnel is still a good-looking man, and women do find him very appealing..
[ fade ]