Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 3
Janet Reno’s Fantasy
Janet Reno…Will Ferrell
Bill Clinton…Darrell Hammond
Rep. John Conyers, Jr….Tim Meadows
[Opens with shot of Capitol dome, then dissolves to exterior of house with super “Home of Attorney General Janet Reno, Washington, DC.”]
Janet Reno: Work, work, work. If I’d known being Attorney General was this hard, I would’ve stayed in Florida.[Dissolve to interior of Janet Reno’s bedroom. She is lying on a bed in her pajamas, holding a remote control and cuddling a giant, stuffed doll of Simba from “The Lion King.”]
Janet Reno: But just think, Simba, only 41 more White House videotapes, then we can watch “Harriet The Spy.” There he is, Simba, Bill Clinton. And he’s having coffee with a bunch of Chinese people.[Cut to video of Chinese men in suits drinking coffee inside the White House. Bill Clinton enters.]
Bill Clinton: Hi! How y’all doin’? I’m President Bill Clinton. How do y’all like the coffee? Is it honorable enough for ya? [Laughs and shakes one man’s hand.] Just kiddin’. It’s good to see ya, good to see ya. But actually, y’all prefer tea to coffee, don’t ya? [Chuckles, then soundsworried.] Anyone here speak English?
Janet Reno: Boy, he’s layin’ it on thicker than a whore’s eyeshadow.
Bill Clinton: You see, you want-ee good relations. You want-ee save face with most favored nation status, then y’all gotta write a check-ee! [Mimics writing and switches to mock Chinese accent.] Make-a President Clint-a happy as dancing dragon!
Janet Reno: [Shuts tape off.] Yuck! This whole thing makes me feel sick! And to think, this whole time Clinton’s been down in South America, “romancing the bone” as they say. Well, guess what, Simba? [Sits up and mimes rowing with a pillow.] This bed’s a raft, and it’s gonna take me all the way down to South America right now. … Wow, we’re really out to sea right now, Simba. Look over there! There’s Gilligan’s Island. … Okay, now we’re in South America. [Takes Simba doll and looks it in the eyes.] Okay, President Clinton. Did you use the White House for illegal campaign fundraising or did you not? “Yes, Janet, I did. I’m sorry. Will you kiss me now?” Okay [Passionately kisses Simba doll.] Okay, now we have to get married. [Gets out of bed and walks to the window, using the curtains as a veil.] I have a beautiful dress I picked out. It’s so pretty. Janet Reno and the President of the United States are here to be married today. Is there anyone that objects? “Yes, we do. We’re the Republicans. Rrrrrrr.” [Phone rings] Hello?
John Conyers, Jr.: Hi, Janet. It’s Representative John Conyers, Jr. from Michigan.
Janet Reno: Oh hi, Conny.
John Conyers, Jr.: Say, Janet, I wanted to apologize to you about my opening statements at your judiciary hearing. I hope I wasn’t too hard on you.
Janet Reno: Nothing’s too hard on me, ’cause I have nails for dinner, and for dessert I eats A-bombs! Ooo-ow!
John Conyers, Jr.: Yes. Well, Janet, you better be careful ’cause Bob Barr said you deliberately misapplied the Independent Council Statute, and Newt Gingrich said you look like a fool.
Janet Reno: Well, I think Newt Gingrich looks like a perv! So, what are you going to wear to Congress tomorrow?
John Conyers, Jr.: A suit. What are you going to wear to the Justice Department?
Janet Reno: My one blue dress.[Conyers nods. Clinton is suddenly heard singing outside Reno’s window.]
Janet Reno: Lemme call you back, Conny. I think someone’s outside. [Hangs up and walks to the window.] Who’s there? If you’re a prowler, I know 18 ways to kill a man! Nineteen if you count breaking his heart!
Bill Clinton: No, Janet, no. It’s just me, ol’ Bill Clinton, see? [Laughs and enters with a bottle of wine.]
Janet Reno: You were supposed to be in South America.
Bill Clinton: I know. I come back early. I brought you some duty-free wine. It’s nice. See, I thought we could open it up and talk about that little indictment of yours. [Drops to his knees sobbing.] Oh please, Janet, Janet! Don’t indict me, please! Please, I can’t take prison! With my good looks, you know, I’d be a-goner in there.
Janet Reno: [Pulls Clinton to his feet.] Get up! You’re pathetic.
Bill Clinton: Oh, Janet, I’m sorry. But, Janet, I’ve always loved you.
Janet Reno: You have?
Bill Clinton: Yes. [Debbie Gibson’s “Lost In Your Eyes” begins playing.] Now kiss me, Janet Reno, kiss me.[Clinton and Reno begin kissing passionately. Scene fades to a satin background with hearts popping out, then fades back to Janet’s room. Instead of Clinton, Reno is making out with the Simba doll.]
Janet Reno: Say it, Bill, say it! [As Simba] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Submitted by: John Ravetti