Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 3
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
Harry Caray … Will Ferrell
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald![Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: I’m Norm Macdonald. Now thefake news. Our top story tonight:
Does President Clinton have a bent penis? … Well,according to a doctor who examined him last week, thePresident’s genitals are, quote, “completely, onehundred per cent normal.” It should be noted howeverthat the doctor who examined him also has a bentpenis. … That may color his findings alittle.
While this controversy raged, the president himselfwas on a state trip to South America where he met withvarious leaders and repeatedly stressed his strongties to the region. Finally, asked to elaborate onthese ties, Clinton replied, “Are you kidding me? My -my brother Roger was a huge coke dealer!” … [a fewgroans]
As his last stop on the trip, the president met inBuenos Aires Thursday with Argentinian presidentCarlos Menem. During a meeting, Clinton asked Menem tocontinue with economic reform and protect democraticfreedoms. Menem, in turn, asked Clinton to show himhis bent penis. …
According to a new survey by the Women’s Vote Project,women would be more likely to vote if they could sendin ballots by mail or if polls were open longer. Also,more women would vote if you were permitted tobake your vote. … They like to bake. …
Rejecting conspiracy theories that President Clintonkilled Vince Foster, a report out this week fromindependent counsel Kenneth Starr has officiallyconcluded that Vince Foster took his own life. Amongother things, the report cites evidence that Fosterwas deeply depressed in the days leading up to hisdeath. Although the report does concede Foster wasdeeply depressed because President Clinton was tryingto murder him. …
Visitors to Yellowstone National Park are beingadvised to carry pepper spray to defend themselvesagainst bears. According to park officials, pepperspray is inexpensive and it is far more effectiveagainst bears than their first idea which was, uh,honey spray. … That … that didn’t work out at all.That worked– was completely counter to the–
Sources in Hollywood … report the on-again,off-again relationship between actor Johnny Depp andsupermodel Kate Moss is on again and that Depp andMoss are now engaged. According to her friends, Mossis so excited, she hasn’t eaten a thing intwenty-three years. …
In other entertainment news, a religious group inChile is trying to ban a new Claudia Schiffer filmwhich features explicit lesbian sex scenes. Accordingto the group, sex between two women is an abominationbefore God, almost as blasphemous as sex between awoman and David Copperfield. [Photo of Schiffer’sfiancee, magician David Copperfield] … I don’t knowwhich is worse, which is more of anabomination.
Norm MacDonald: Well, the 1997 World Seriesbegan tonight with the Marlins beating the Indiansseven to four. Joining us on Weekend Update with ananalysis of each team is a baseball legend and a dear,dear friend. Please welcome Hall of Fame broadcasterHarry Caray. Hey, Har’.
Harry Caray: [cheers and applause for theshaky, white-haired, squinty, bespectacled old man]Thanks, Norm! Hi, everybody! Harry Caray here! I gottatell ya, folks, it looks like we’ve got a veryexciting World Series on our hands. … The AmericanLeague is represented by the Cleveland Indians and,for the National League, the Florida Marlins. It sureis exciting, Norm!
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, well, it certainly -certainly is, Harry. Now, who do you like in theSeries?
Harry Caray: It’s tough to say, Norm. On onehand, you’ve got the Marlins. Now, that’s anodd mascot, a marlin.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah. Yeah, I guess itis.
Harry Caray: Of course, pound for pound, it’sthe smartest fish in the ocean. With its sword-likesnout, it’ll carve your eye out and not think twiceabout it. … Norm, to this day, if I walk into aseafood restaurant and I see a marlin on the wall, Ijust grab my wife and leave! …
Norm MacDonald: Is that a fact, huh?
Harry Caray: Of course, on the other hand, youhave the Indians — a group of untrustworthy savages!… [Norm nods in agreement] You look away, next thingyou know, they steal your land! …
Norm MacDonald: Yup. That’s true. Well, Harry,you’re talkin’ a lot about the mascots. Now, whatabout the players?
Harry Caray: They won’t be a factor! Trust me!… Hey, Norm! You ever been alone in a room face toface with a marlin?
Norm MacDonald: No. Nope.
Harry Caray: No matter where you go in theroom, its eye follows your every move. … You shouldtry it some time. It’s a rush! … I shouldknow — I used to hunt them.
Norm MacDonald: Really? You – you huntedmarlins, huh?
Harry Caray: No. Indians. … I’ve got a wholecloset full of scalps at home. … They’re justcollecting dust. The government stopped buying themyears ago. … Hey, Norm! Ya interested in buyin’ ascalp?
Norm MacDonald: Well, I mean, I guess–
Harry Caray: It’s a simple “yes or no”question! …
Norm MacDonald: Well, what does this have to dowith the World Series, Har’?
Harry Caray: This sale isn’t gonna make orbreak me, Norm, so don’t jerk me around! … Do youwant to buy a scalp or not?
Norm MacDonald: No. I don’t. No.
Harry Caray: Fine. [hands Norm a business card]Just take my card and give me a call when you want toget serious.
Norm MacDonald: Oh. Okay. Thanks. [pocketscard]
Harry Caray: [puts a booklet on the desk] And -and peruse through this when you get a chance.
Norm MacDonald: Wh – what’s that?
Harry Caray: A catalogue of all the scalpsavailable. … [pushes it over to Norm]
Norm MacDonald: Good Lord!
Harry Caray: I got all of them — Apache toZuni!
Norm MacDonald: Oh, well. You got – got anyMohawk in there?
Harry Caray: [scoffs] Oh, Norm! If I had aMohawk scalp, I wouldn’t be sittin’ here talkin’ toyou. … I’d be relaxing on a tropical island….
Norm MacDonald: Why is that?
Harry Caray: ‘Cause they’re highly valuable….
Norm MacDonald: All right. Well, thanks forstoppin’ by.
Harry Caray: [scoffs] Mohawk! You can’t findone!
Norm MacDonald: No?
Harry Caray: No.
Norm MacDonald: Harry Caray, everybody!
Harry Caray: [exits, over cheers and applause]Cubs win! Cubs win!
Norm MacDonald: [highly amused, Norm must pauseto collect himself before continuing] Exotic dancerssay a city ordinance requiring them to keep four feetaway from their customers will put them out ofbusiness in Shoreline, Washington — or, as I nowrefer to it, Nazi Germany! … Quite a world welive in.
And, in Oklahoma, prison officials are considering aninteractive video system for parole board hearings,which would eliminate the need for inmates to travelto hearings from prison. Inmates say they will goalong with the video idea but they will not rule outraping the camera guy. … [not too manylaughs]
And, in Idaho, a five million dollar project to fixcracks in the Dworshak Dam has been a huge success,according to officials from the Army Corps ofEngineers. However, the dam could easily have beenfixed at a far more reasonable price tag, according tothis beaver. [Norm jerks his thumb at a photo of abeaver] … [not too many laughs – a lone person inthe crowd claps slowly and mockingly] They’ll have toagree to disagree.
Finally, the Rolling Stones are back on tour again andKeith Richards says that he is thrilled to still bedoing what he’s been doing for twenty-five years —cheating death! …[Cheers and applause as Norm nods politely into thecamera and removes microphone from necktie] That’s thenews. [glances off screen as if annoyed aboutsomething] [Music. Dissolve to GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMACDONALD. Fade.]