Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 3
Xena: Warrior Princess
Customer With Eye Patch…Jim Breuer
[Opening title sequence for “Xena: Warrior Princess” is shown.]
Announcer: In the time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
[“Xena” title is shown. Fade to interior of tavern with several customers.]
Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “Double Trouble.”
Customer: Barkeep, I hear tales of a mighty female warrior in this province.
Barkeep: Yes, stranger, it is Xena that you speak of. She lusts for battle like most women lust for men.
Customer: Yes. Is it true she rides with a comely, young blonde?
Barkeep: Yes, her “traveling companion.”
[Both men laugh. The door flies open, hitting the customer in the face as Xena enters.]
Xena: Two pints of ale! Gabrielle?
Gabrielle: Coming, Xena! [She enters.] Boy, I’m sure sore from all that bareback riding.
Xena: Your flanks will toughen over time. [She smacks Gabrielle on the butt.]
Gabrielle: Maybe you could rub some salve on them.
Xena: We’ll see. Get us a table, Gabrielle, and watch out! There’s lots of men in this place!
[As they walk into the bar, Xena grabs a customer sitting at a table and slams his head into it. Pushing the table aside, she punches the table’s other customer and walks over to a chair.]
Customer With Eye Patch: Your chair, madam.
Xena: Thank you.
Customer With Eye Patch: Oh, you welcome, ma’am! [Xena sits down, then punches the customer in the face.] I say! With a punch like that, you must be Xena, the Warrior Princess.
Gabrielle: You’ve done your homework, Cyclops!
Xena: [Grabs customer.] What do you want, old man?!
Customer With Eye Patch: Someone’s been looking for you. A warrior queen from the Isle of Lexus.
Gabrielle: They’re a tribe of women known for their fierce tempers!
Customer With Eye Patch: [Starts to walk away.] Oh, and their undefeated field hockey team. You should see them. [Other customers start speaking in agreement.]
[Xena picks up chair and hits customer across the back with it.]
Gabrielle: Maybe this woman is the mighty warrior queen Cassandra the seer prophecized would seek you out in your 28th year and destroy you.
Xena: I’ll eat her…
Xena: …for breakfast!
[Wench enters through door.]
Wench: Where’s the one who calls herself Xena?
Gabrielle: Who wants to know?
Wench: Urswina, the Warrior Queen.
[Xena and Gabrielle laugh.]
Xena: You’re the one looking for me? You’re Urswina? [Laughs.]
[Urswina crashes through the wall.]
Urswina: No! I am Urswina, and this town is only big enough for one six-foot, big-boned, big-breasted, black-booted, borderline-butch brunette! And I’m all of that with a side of slaw!
Xena: Come and get me!
[Urswina and Xena draw swords and begin circling each other.]
Urswina: I will destroy you, Xena!
Xena: I’ll rip you from limb to limb, Urswina!
[They lock swords. Xena jumps out of the way as Urswina charges and her sword comes down on one of the ale kegs.]
Xena: [thinking] Urswina is stronger than I expected.
Urswina: [thinking] Xena has really great skin.
[Both resume fighting for a few seconds, then pause again.]
Xena: [thinking] She reminds me of my old gym teacher. She makes me want to buy a mountain bike and write angry folk songs.
Urswina: [thinking] She could move into my hut, and I’ll tell my parents she’s a friend from work.
[Both lock swords and begin to move in to kiss each other, but Xena looks away.]
Xena: No. I must be true to my warrior heritage.
[Xena stomps on Urswina’s foot and punches her in the face. Xena throws down her sword, shrieks a battle cry, stomps on Urswina’s foot again and throws her to the floor. Brendan’s wig comes off on the way down. He quickly replaces it, but both actors break character and laugh for a moment. Xena pulls Urswina’s head up by the chin.]
Urswina: Xena, you are truly a warrior princess! But you’ve got bigger problems on your hands.
Xena: [Still laughing] What?
Urswina: It seems your traveling companion has taken a liking to my wench.
[Gabrielle and the wench are seen talking and flirting with each other. Urswina and Xena laugh about it. The scene freezes, and the “THE END” super appears.]
Submitted by: John Ravetti