Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 4
Permission to Host
FADE IN:[ EXT. 30 ROCKFELLER PLAZA – DAY ] [ SUPER: THREE WEEKS AGO ] [ INT. LORNE’S OFFICE – DAY ] [ Lorne’s at his desk. Tim’s seated across from him. ]
Lorne Michaels: Now Tim, I’m planning on having Farley host in three weeks, but I’m just not sure, considering all the issues he’s had lately.
Tim Meadows: I know what you’re saying, Lorne, and I have the solution to fill the void — me.
Lorne Michaels: Yeah right. It’s either Farley or Chris Rock – you choose.
Tim Meadows: Lorne, Farley’s really coming along. That last trip to the “spa” did the trick. He’s been totally clean for six weeks — no booze, no women… still got the eating thing. I’m not gonna kid you about that.
Lorne Michaels: Well, we do need a host for October 25th.
Tim Meadows: Cannot not do better than Chris Farley, sir. I mean, fatty falls down, ratings go up.
Lorne Michaels: Believe me, I know. But how do I know he’s not gonna screw up?[ Farley bursts into the office. ]
Chris Farley: Because I won’t![ Farley seats himself next to Tim. ]
Chris Farley: We can do this! Lorne, you’re skeptical and I don’t blame you one bit. But this time, I’m not gonna let you down, boss.
Lorne Michaels: You said that before, Chris. What about the Marisa Tomei show?
Chris Farley: I had to go to the bathroom! I get confused!
Lorne Michaels: What about the time with Pardo?
Chris Farley: Oh man! That was no big deal! Old guys throw up all the time!! Especially Pardo. Lorne, you remember the time I got pulled over by the cops and I said I was YOU!!![ Farley chuckles mightily. ]
Chris Farley: And you had to do that time in jail!? That was awesome!! That’s just part of the fun!
Lorne Michaels: No Chris, that wasn’t awesome.
Chris Farley: Remember the time I set Timmy up with the transvestite and he went out with her for three weeks!?[ Farley chuckles. ]
Tim Meadows: Stacy!?!?
Chris Farley: Stacy.
Lorne Michaels: Chris, do you remember any of the John Travolta show?
Chris Farley: No… Not any of it… But that was then, this is now. I’m not just talking the talk, but I’m gonna be walking the walk, boss!
Tim Meadows: And he’s got a great sponsor who’s here to keep an eye on him. Really![ Chevy Chase comes in. ]
Chevy Chase: Hey Lorne!
Chris Farley: Yes!![ Chevy and Farley lock arms for a semi-embrace. ]
Lorne Michaels: Chevy!? Your Farley’s sponsor!? You just got out of Betty Ford!
Chevy Chase: Well, that’s neither here nor there, Lorne… The important thing is that Chris is doing great! He’s been completely sober for two weeks.
Chris Farley: Six!
Chevy Chase: Six, two, whatever! The important thing is that Chris is not just talking the talk, he’s walking the walk.
Lorne Michaels: Why do I not believe you?
Chris Farley: Lorne, I just want you to know something — if you decide not to let me host, I’ll understand. But if you do let me host, I swear to you, I will not let you down!!
Lorne Michaels: Can you still fall through a table?
Chris Farley: Can I!?!? Gaga-goo-me!
Tim Meadows: Show him!
Chris Farley: I’ll show you, Lorne![ Chris gets out of his chair and does a pratfall on Lorne’s desk, knocking off all on it. The desk doesn’t collapse. Lorne rises out of his chair. ]
Lorne Michaels: Chris, this isn’t a breakaway, but I’ll tell you what — you can host.
Chris Farley: I can! All right!! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Submitted by: Cody Downs