SNL Transcripts: Chris Farley: 10/25/97: Permission to Host


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 4

97d: Chris Farley / The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

Permission to Host

…..Chris Farley
…..Chevy Chase
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Tim Meadows


[ EXT. 30 ROCKFELLER PLAZA – DAY ] [ SUPER: THREE WEEKS AGO ] [ INT. LORNE’S OFFICE – DAY ] [ Lorne’s at his desk. Tim’s seated across from him. ]

Lorne Michaels: Now Tim, I’m planning on having Farley host in three weeks, but I’m just not sure, considering all the issues he’s had lately.

Tim Meadows: I know what you’re saying, Lorne, and I have the solution to fill the void — me.

Lorne Michaels: Yeah right. It’s either Farley or Chris Rock – you choose.

Tim Meadows: Lorne, Farley’s really coming along. That last trip to the “spa” did the trick. He’s been totally clean for six weeks — no booze, no women… still got the eating thing. I’m not gonna kid you about that.

Lorne Michaels: Well, we do need a host for October 25th.

Tim Meadows: Cannot not do better than Chris Farley, sir. I mean, fatty falls down, ratings go up.

Lorne Michaels: Believe me, I know. But how do I know he’s not gonna screw up?

[ Farley bursts into the office. ]

Chris Farley: Because I won’t!

[ Farley seats himself next to Tim. ]

Chris Farley: We can do this! Lorne, you’re skeptical and I don’t blame you one bit. But this time, I’m not gonna let you down, boss.

Lorne Michaels: You said that before, Chris. What about the Marisa Tomei show?

Chris Farley: I had to go to the bathroom! I get confused!

Lorne Michaels: What about the time with Pardo?

Chris Farley: Oh man! That was no big deal! Old guys throw up all the time!! Especially Pardo. Lorne, you remember the time I got pulled over by the cops and I said I was YOU!!!

[ Farley chuckles mightily. ]

Chris Farley: And you had to do that time in jail!? That was awesome!! That’s just part of the fun!

Lorne Michaels: No Chris, that wasn’t awesome.

Chris Farley: Remember the time I set Timmy up with the transvestite and he went out with her for three weeks!?

[ Farley chuckles. ]

Tim Meadows: Stacy!?!?

Chris Farley: Stacy.

Lorne Michaels: Chris, do you remember any of the John Travolta show?

Chris Farley: No… Not any of it… But that was then, this is now. I’m not just talking the talk, but I’m gonna be walking the walk, boss!

Tim Meadows: And he’s got a great sponsor who’s here to keep an eye on him. Really!

[ Chevy Chase comes in. ]

Chevy Chase: Hey Lorne!

Chris Farley: Yes!!

[ Chevy and Farley lock arms for a semi-embrace. ]

Lorne Michaels: Chevy!? Your Farley’s sponsor!? You just got out of Betty Ford!

Chevy Chase: Well, that’s neither here nor there, Lorne… The important thing is that Chris is doing great! He’s been completely sober for two weeks.

Chris Farley: Six!

Chevy Chase: Six, two, whatever! The important thing is that Chris is not just talking the talk, he’s walking the walk.

Lorne Michaels: Why do I not believe you?

Chris Farley: Lorne, I just want you to know something — if you decide not to let me host, I’ll understand. But if you do let me host, I swear to you, I will not let you down!!

Lorne Michaels: Can you still fall through a table?

Chris Farley: Can I!?!? Gaga-goo-me!

Tim Meadows: Show him!

Chris Farley: I’ll show you, Lorne!

[ Chris gets out of his chair and does a pratfall on Lorne’s desk, knocking off all on it. The desk doesn’t collapse. Lorne rises out of his chair. ]

Lorne Michaels: Chris, this isn’t a breakaway, but I’ll tell you what — you can host.

Chris Farley: I can! All right!! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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