Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 4
Circe Nightshade…..Molly Shannon
Azrael Abyss…..Chris Kattan
Glen’s Friend…..Chris Farley
Baron Nocturna…..Will Ferrell
Announcer: Serving Florida’s Gulf Coast, you’re watching Channel 33, Sunshine State Cable Access.[ Opening Titles ] [ Music Intro: “Bela Lugosi’s Dead”, Bauhaus ]
Circe Nightshade: Welcome to Goth Talk. I’m Circe Nightshade.
Azrael Abyss: And I’m Azrael Abyss. I’m the Prince of Sorrow. Welcome to the show that explores the moody depths of the Goth lifestyle here in Tampa, Florida.
Circe Nightshade: So surrender yourself to your darkest desires here in Azrael’s very spooky two-car garage.
Azrael Abyss: We would have been in the den, but my grandma’s staying for the weekend and she’s sleeping there. Eeee..
Circe Nightshade: You have chosen to join us for a very special instalment of Goth Talk. Our Halloween Bacchanal!
Azrael Abyss: Rrrrooww! Ffffttt! Halloween, an ecstasy of Goth.
Circe Nightshade: The night that the entire world peeks into the dark, dark crevices of their own evil!
Azrael Abyss: .. and I don’t get beat up in the mall parking lot.[ car lights fall over Azrael and Circe, as the garage door opens and Glen’s car pulls up ]
Glen: What the hell is going on here? Todd! [ Glen and Friend walk up ] Get this crap the hell out of the garage, Todd!
Azrael Abyss: No!
Glen’s Friend: Yeah, I gotta park my sweet Grand Cherokee.
Azrael Abyss: You can’t park in here. This is our sinister tomb of dark madness!
Glen: Oh man.. whatever. Hey, just don’t forget.. it’s your turn to put Vic’s Vapo-Rub on grandma’s chest, Todd![GLEN and FRIEND laugh]
Azrael Abyss: My name’s not Todd, it’s Azrael Abyss.
Glen’s Friend: [ to Glen ] Man.. you wern’t kidding about your brother, man.. He’s like some messed-up Mime or something.
Glen: [ to Azrael ] Clean it up! [ exits upstairs ]
Azrael Abyss: Anyway..
Circe Nightshade: Now would be a good time to thank our sponsors. Goth Talk is brought to you by The Gloom Room, the place for all your Goth needs. It’s an orgy of the macabre, right next to the Pizza Hut on Hibiscus Road.
Azrael Abyss: Wheee! Well I guess he’ll be arriving soon.
Circe Nightshade: Yes. He’s the lead singer of one of Tampa’s greatest Goth bands, Satan’s Answering Machine.
Azrael Abyss: His name is Baron Nocturna. He’s a spectral vision of pure malevolence, and he works with me at Cinnabun’s.
Glen: [ calling from upstairs ] Hey Todd! There’s some weird-looking guy out by the door.
Azrael Abyss: Baron Nocturna! He’s here! Send him in! Send him in! Send him in!
Circe Nightshade: Kindred and brethren.. Please welcome his Deranged Majesty.. Baron Nocturna![ Glen and Friend run downstairs, dressed in identical Budweiser shirts and frog costumes. Azrael frets as Friend accosts him and Circe ]
Glen: Check this out, man. We’re the Budweiser Frogs.
Circe Nightshade: Alright, what did you guys do with Baron Nocturna?
Glen: Oh you mean the fruit with the leather jacket and no shirt? [ laughs ]
Glen’s Friend: We pantsed him and threw him in the pool! [ laughs ] [ Baron Nocturna stumbles to the top of the stairs, soaking wet, clad only in leather jacket and white boxer shorts ]
Baron Nocturna: Hey Azrael! Your brother’s a real tool! He physically hurt me! I’m going home! [ to Glen ] You hurt me! [ runs off ]
Glen: Hey, here’s something for your little show. Cue it, dude.
Glen’s Friend: Bud!
Glen’s Friend: Bud!
Glen: Er! Our buddy Kyle was gonna be the “Weis” guy, but he got mono, man.
Glen’s Friend: Hey, come on! Make Todd say “Weis”![ Glen grabs Azrael ]
Azrael Abyss: My name’s Azrael Abyss. I don’t wanna!
Glen: Say “Weis”! Ready?
Glen’s Friend: Bud!
Azrael Abyss: [ meekly ] Weis.
Friend: Er![ Glen and Friend high-five, then both hop on AZRAEL and torture him ]
Circe Nightshade: I guess.. I guess that’s all the time we have tonight. Thank you for joining us, and remember.. stay out of the daylight![ Azrael continues to scream as Glen and Friend torture him ][ fade to black ]
Submitted by: Collie