Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 4
Matt Foley Motivational Trainer
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley
Evan the Instructor…..Tim Meadows
Cyclist #1…..Molly Shannon
Cyclist #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Cyclist #3…..Jim Breuer
Cyclist #4…..Will Ferrell
[ Set is inside a fitness gym, with people excercising on bikes ]
Evan: You’re at a beautiful countryside! Third position everybody! Come on, your’re approaching a hill, and increase resistance! Come on, push it! Push it people!
Cyclist #1: I can’t do it!
Evan: Okay, forget it! Stop, stop, stop everyone!
Evan: Listen people, you aren’t burning enough calories!
Cyclist #2: We’re doing the best we can.
Evan: Listen, if you people want to lose weight, you’ve gotta push it harder! Look at me, I’m thin, I’m handsome, I could have sex with anyone in this room.
Cyclist #1: [ offended ] Evan.
Evan: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. Maybe I did, I don’t know. Regardless, I’m just not getting through to you guys as a teacher. That’s why I hired someone to come in here and motivate you people. He’s been down in the locker room scarfing down chocolate-covered coffee beans for the last six hours, but I think he’s ready. Hey Matt, we’re ready for you!
Matt Foley: Okie dokie!
Matt Foley: Hey Evan! Good to see ya! All right, how you guys doing! Okie dokie, my name, for all of you who don’t know me, is Matt Foley! And I AM a motivational speaker! Now, before we get to the spinning class, let me give you a little it of a scenerio of what MY life is all about! First off, I am thirty-five years old! I am THRICE DIVORCED! And I live in a van down by the river!
Cyclist #3: You’re gonna be our fitness instructor?
Matt Foley: Listen Hard Body, I don’t give a RAT’S BEHIND! I’m here to tell you people that as you get out there in the real world, you’re gonna find out that you’re not going to amount to JACK SQUAT![ He crosses the room to Cyclist #4 ]
Matt Foley: Now fella? Young man, what do you want to do with your life?
Cyclist #4: What do I want to do?
Matt Foley: Yeah!
Cyclist #4: Well I’m a succesful corporate lawyer, and I just made partner.
Matt Foley: Well, LA-DE-FREAKIN-DA! Whoa![ He walks back over to Evan ]
Matt Foley: Hey Evan! We got ourselves a lawyer over there! I can’t see real good, is that Ben Matlock?
Evan: No Matt, he’s a real lawyer.
Matt Foley: Evan? Ya know, I wish you could just shut your big YAPPER! Please!
Matt Foley: [to Cyclist #] Well if you’re as good a lawyer as you are an athlete, you’re gonna be doing a lot of lawyer practicing in a van down by the river!
Cyclist #4: I own a summer home near the river if that helps.
Matt Foley: Shift it into low, Matlock! Now let’s get started![ Matt walks to his bike ]
Matt Foley: Okay! First thing that you’re gonna want to do is to get settled into the saddle!
Matt Foley: Okay! Now you’ll often find that when mounting on the apparatus you’ll split your shorts. I’ts a common occurance. Stay motivated, do not let it get ya’. Because, as long as you’re wearing an athletic supporter, everything’s gonna be okie-dokie! However, I’ve forgotten MINE is uh-kind of a moot point!
Cyclist #1: Gross!
Cyclist #2: You cannot be serious!
Matt Foley: I just wish you two dolls would bring it DOWN A NOTCH! Now that you’re on the bike, next thing you’re gonna want to do…….is take a little bit of a rest. You know what I mean, just get your breath a little bit, and make sure you still got your bearings. You’ll find that just getting on the bike is gonna make you weak. [ he starts panting in fatigue ] Okay! Let’s start pedaling everybody![ He starts pedaling, and the others follow ]
Matt Foley: Now, a nice brisk base to start off with! Okay, not that brisk. [ he slows down ] Okay, a little less brisk! Low on the brisk! Slow it down here. Okay, stop, stop, stop right here!
Matt Foley: Okay, now it’s time to take a little bit of a drink-skee-poo! Whoo![ He attempts to take a drink, but the majority of the coffee spills onto his face and down his shirt ]
Matt Foley: Whoa whoa!
Cyclist #1: Uhh, while you take your “coffee break”, can we continue pedaling because we are all paying for this class?
Matt Foley: [ spitting out coffee, very upset ] SHUT YOUR PIPEHOLE, MISSY!
Evan: [ fighting off Matt who is trying to get back on the bike ] All right, look Matt. Take it easy! Look, this is not gonna work out! I’m gonna have to ask you to get out of here.
Matt Foley: Back off Padre! I’m not going anywhere! That locker room downstairs is the closest thing I’ve had to a home in fifteen years!
Evan: Well I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to ask you to get the hell out!
Matt Foley: [ getting on the bike ] All right, all right, all right, I’ll pedal! Let’s all pedal everybody, make Evan happy! Here we go, pedaling away! All right everybody, you’re on the road! Look over to the right. It’s your first wife, Linda! High tail it out of there because you owe her three years’ child support! Keep pedaling. All right, let’s pull into Seven-Eleven and buy a microwave burrito! Okay, we’re back on the road, there’s your son’s dorm! Let’s sneak in, steal his student loan check, cash it, and head out lookin’ for ASIAN HOOKERS! Cause if there’s one thing Matt likes, it’s HONG-KONG FUEY, ha-ha! Ohhhh yeah![ As he says this, the bike malfunctions, breaks apart, and starts rolling down the room through a wall with Matt still aboard ]
Evan: Oh my God!
Matt Foley: All right, I’ve taught you people all I can. I gotta move it into karate class, Evan.[ He walks through the broken wall into a karate class with two martial arts teachers ]
Matt Foley: All right, boys! First about martial arts is that I’m thrice divorced, and I live in a van down by the river!
Submitted by: Justin Chilinski