Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 5
97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction
Dunkin Donuts
Announcer…..Darrell Hammond
Michael Vale…..Jon Lovitz
Director…..Will Ferrell
[ open on slow zoom on Michael Vale, dressed in Dunkin Donuts outfit, standing in front of a display of doughnuts ]
Announcer: At Dunkin Donuts, you can always count on starting your day right. Because we’re pu at the crack of dawn.
Michael Vale: Time to make the doughnuts!
Director: [ off-screen ] Aaaaaand.. cut!
[ wide shot of full set, as Director rises to approach Michael Vale ]
Director: Alright! Excellent rehearsal. I think you’ve got it, and, uh.. let’s get ready to shoot this. Uh.. when you’re done, you cna start enjoying your retirement.
Michael Vale: Yeah! [ reflective ] Boy, I can’t believe I’ve been doing commercials – these ones – all these years, for fiften years now! Yeah, it’s been quite a ride.
Director: Yeah, well.. you did some good doughnut commercials. Okay? Uh, so.. let’s set up for the last take, everyone!
Michael Vale: [ deeply reflective ] Yeah, boy.. I mean fifteen years, okay? My character – Fred the Baker – well, he’s sure seen America through some tough times!
Director: [ calling out ] Hey, uh, Sid? Can we get some more light on these krullers?
Michael Vale: Boy, the Gulf War – just another “Time to make the doughnuts.” The rodney King beating – “Time to make the doughnuts.” Iran-Contra..
Director: That’s great, that’s great, Michael. Uh, when you’re ready, then we’ll roll.
Michael Vale: Boy, this is the end of something really big, you know? Now, is it me, or do you think people are going to want to see what happens to my character after he retires? I just think his story needs a little closer. Don’t you think?
Director: Yeah, sure. I mean, have fun with it, Mike, alright? Alright, let’s do this! Everyone, settle.. [ takes his seat ] Aaaaand.. action!
[ close-up shot of doughnut display ]
Announcer: At Dunkin Donuts, you can always count on starting your day right. Because we’re pu at the crack of dawn.
Michael Vale: You know, for fifteen years, it’s been “Time to make the doughnuts.” And, now.. it’s time to die.
Director: Cut!
[ wide shot of full set, as Director rises to approach Michael Vale ]
Director: What’s, uh.. what’s going on over there, Mike?
Michael Vale: Well, you know, it’s that closure thing I was talking about, you know? Fred made his doughnuts, and now he’s going to go home and take his own life!
Director: That’s, uh.. that’s a little dark for a doughnut commercial, Mike. Uh, just go a little lighter, and we can get out of here.
Michael Vale: Boy,l it has been a wold ride hasn’t it?
Director: It sure has, Mike. Okay. Everyone ready? and.. action!
[ close-up shot of doughnut display ]
Announcer: At Dunkin Donuts, you can always count on starting your day right. Because we’re pu at the crack of dawn.
Michael Vale: Time to make the doughnuts. Thousand of doughnuts all the same, just like people. Destined to be chewed up, pooped out and forgotten!
Director: Cut!
[ wide shot of full set, Director still seated ]
Director: Mike, we’re gonna need to go way lighter there, okay? Uh, what about a happy ending, you know? Just think of Fred retiring on a beach, or something..
Michael Vale: [ excited ] Oh, yeah, that could work! Let’s try it!
Director: Okay. Aaaaand.. action!
[ close-up shot of doughnut display ]
Announcer: At Dunkin Donuts, you can always count on starting your day right. Because we’re pu at the crack of dawn.
Michael Vale: Time to make the doughnuts.. and then I’m retiring to Florida, with my hot little stewardess girlfriend! and, believe me, from now on, it ain’t gonna be doughnuts I’ll be eating!!
Director: CUT!!
Michael Vale: It’s a rap!
Director: No! No! No! It’s not a rap, okay?! Look.. I know this is a big day for you, but —
Michael Vale: Yeah! It’s been quite a ride.
Director: You know what? No, it hasn’t! Okay? You say one line, and you look kind of funny. That’s not a ride! So, say the damn line and hold up the doughnuts.. and that’s all the people want to see, we can get out of here!
Michael Vale: Oh, I see.. Well, you see, I don’t think that is all the people want to see!! [ angrily thrusts up the pan of doughnuts and knocks them to the floor ] Alright?! Now, they laughed along with his character for fifteen years, and now I think they want to see him die or get some tail!!
Director: Fine. I’m ot going to argue with you, okay? Everyone, we’re gonna take a break! And, then, the doughnut guy can do whatever he wants okay?!
Michael Vale: Good!
[ fade to black ]
[ SUPER: “One Hour Later” ]
[ fade back up to closed-up on the Dunkin Doughnuts set ]
Announcer: At Dunkin Donuts, you can always count on starting your day right. Because we’re up at the crack of dawn.
Michael Vale: Time to make the donuts. And time to get it on! [ bikini-clad blonde enters scene and is kissed by Vale ] Baby! [ looks over as Grim Reaper enters scene ] Oops.. time for me to go! See all you people in Hell! It’s been quite a ride, everybody!
Announcer: Dunkin Donuts. Start your morning right.
[ fade ]
