SNL Transcripts: Jon Lovitz: 11/08/97: Controlling the Airwaves


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 5

97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction

Controlling the Airwaves

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Bill Gates…..Chris Kattan
Ted Turner…..Will Ferrell
Rupert Murdoch…..Jim Breuer

[“Men Behaving Badly” is on. Two men appear to play hockey in an apartment hallway.]

Man: Ready?

[The President logo cuts in.]

Announcer: We interrupt this broadcast of Men Behaving Badly to bring you this special announcement from the President of the United States.

Bill Clinton:
Good evening. My fellow Americans, I come before you tonight to discuss important recent developments in Iraq. At 7:20 this evening, Saddam Hussein sent a –

[The Microsoft logo cuts in.]

Announcer: We interrupt this message from the president to bring you this more important message from Microsoft CEO, Bill Gates.

Bill Gates: Hello, America! I just wanted to break into the airwaves to let everyone know I’m doing fine, despite heavy losses in a recent stock market crash, or “distraction,” as I refer to it. I must admit, it was my fault! I was trying to download a naked picture of Agent Scully and I hit a wrong key! Whoops! But, I took heavy losses as well. The other day, I had to use a coupon to buy a Monet! I was . . .

[The CNN logo cuts in.]

Announcer: This is Ted Turner.

Ted Turner: Hi everyone, I’m Ted Turner, owner of CNN, the Atlanta Braves, and Jane Fonda’s lover. No matter how big old Billy Gates docks, he still can’t get near what I just done, cause last month I gave one billion dollars to the United Nations. That’s right, I bought the sucker! Now maybe finally Zaire can get that superstation they deserve. I’m also talking with Peru about . . .

[Bill Gates cuts in. He angrily smacks a key, then turns back to the screen.]

Bill Gates: Don’t screw with me, Turner. Because in a simple keystroke of my computer, I can un-colorize all your colorized films. And with this key, I can un-colorize you!

[Ted Turner cuts back in.]

Ted Turner: TV is my world Gates, so watch your ass. [The screen suddenly turns black-and-white.] What? What the hell?

[Bill Clinton cuts in.]

Bill Clinton: And by giving Rhode Island to Iraq, we can reach –

[The News Corporation logo interrupts.]

Announcer: And now, a very important message from Rupert Murdoch.

Rupert Murdoch: Hello, Rupert Murdoch here. Got tired of hearing Gates and Turner squawking like chickens. You all know me, I own the Fox network. We produce such fine programs, as “When Animals Attack Porno Stars,” and I also just bought the Dodgers. Not because I’m trying to compete with Ted Turner, I just love baseball. Go send . . .

[Bill Gates cuts back in.]

Bill Gates: Turner, Murdoch, you make me laugh. You’re only worth, like, five billion apiece! I give out that much to trick-or-treaters! Why am I so rich? [whispers loudly] Because I get off on it! Now back your “president” as he finishes the speech I wrote for him last night when I was wasted.

[Bill Clinton shows up again.]

Bill Clinton: And there is no way you can tell me the dark side of the moon is better than exile on Main Street. [laughs] But you know, I love you man. Finally, I say to you, America, “Live from New York it’s” –

[Ted Turner cuts in.]

Ted Turner: No you don’t, Clinton, no you don’t! Live from New York, it’s –

Rupert Murdoch: Go to hell there Turner, go to hell! Live from New York, it’s Saturday –

Bill Gates: [giddily laughs] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”

Submitted by: Leadcrow90

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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