Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 5
Jon Lovitz’s Monologue
Jon Lovitz: [ enjoying the applause received by the audience ] Thank yoooooooooooouu!! Well — [ coughes, accidentally belches ] Excuse me.. my lip has gas. Well, I’m thrilled to be back in New York, because I’m about to star on Broadway in a new one-man show entitled “Jon lovitz Is Jon Lovitz”. And you’re probably wondering, “Now, how did he get the part?” Well, I’ll tell you – I auditioned, like everyone else. Now, thousands of people showed up to audition; it was down to two people – me.. and Oprah Winfrey. Well.. Oprah got the part. But she could only commit for a month, so, then, I took over the role myself!
And what a show it is. Oh, we’ve got acting! Like this.. [ acting overdramatic ] “Oh, Mother.. Mother, I don’t feel good.. Mother, please! MOTHERRRRRRRR!!!” Acting! Thank you! [ audience applauds wildly ]
And we’ve got dancing.. [ shows off his magnificent comic dance moves ] Jealous?
And we’ve got.. singing.
[ SNL band backs up Lovitz ]
I’d like to dedicate this song.. to someone very special who’s here tonight. Someone who is the reason.. I get out of bed every morning.. and the person I love.. more than anyone else in the whole world.
[ wanders out into the audience, begins to sing ]
“Someday, when I’m awfully low –“
[ touches the cheek of a woman in the audience ]
How you doing?
“When the world is cold–“
[ points offscreen to another woman in the audience ]
“I will feel a glow
Just thinking of you –“
[ walks over to a monitor with an image of him singing, and points at himself ]
“And the way you look.. tonight.”
[ runs back on stage, where another monitor with his image on it waits ]
“Yes, you’re lovely
With your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft
There’s nothing for me
But to love you
And the way you look. tonight.”
We’ve got a great show! Jane’s Addiction is here! Yeah! Yeah! Jon Lovitz is here!
[ singing ] “So, stick around, we’ll be right baaaaaaaaaaack!”