SNL Transcripts: Jon Lovitz: 11/08/97: Jon Lovitz’s Monologue

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 5



97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction

Jon Lovitz’s Monologue

…..Jon Lovitz

Jon Lovitz: [ enjoying the applause received by the audience ] Thank yoooooooooooouu!! Well — [ coughes, accidentally belches ] Excuse me.. my lip has gas. Well, I’m thrilled to be back in New York, because I’m about to star on Broadway in a new one-man show entitled “Jon lovitz Is Jon Lovitz”. And you’re probably wondering, “Now, how did he get the part?” Well, I’ll tell you – I auditioned, like everyone else. Now, thousands of people showed up to audition; it was down to two people – me.. and Oprah Winfrey. Well.. Oprah got the part. But she could only commit for a month, so, then, I took over the role myself!

And what a show it is. Oh, we’ve got acting! Like this.. [ acting overdramatic ] “Oh, Mother.. Mother, I don’t feel good.. Mother, please! MOTHERRRRRRRR!!!” Acting! Thank you! [ audience applauds wildly ]

And we’ve got dancing.. [ shows off his magnificent comic dance moves ] Jealous?

And we’ve got.. singing.

[ SNL band backs up Lovitz ]

I’d like to dedicate this song.. to someone very special who’s here tonight. Someone who is the reason.. I get out of bed every morning.. and the person I love.. more than anyone else in the whole world.

[ wanders out into the audience, begins to sing ]

“Someday, when I’m awfully low –“

[ touches the cheek of a woman in the audience ]

How you doing?

“When the world is cold–“

[ points offscreen to another woman in the audience ]

Lookin’ good!

“I will feel a glow
Just thinking of you –“

[ walks over to a monitor with an image of him singing, and points at himself ]

“And the way you look.. tonight.”

[ runs back on stage, where another monitor with his image on it waits ]

“Yes, you’re lovely
With your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft
There’s nothing for me
But to love you
And the way you look. tonight.”

We’ve got a great show! Jane’s Addiction is here! Yeah! Yeah! Jon Lovitz is here!

[ singing ] “So, stick around, we’ll be right baaaaaaaaaaack!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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