SNL Transcripts: Jon Lovitz: 11/08/97: Jon Lovitz’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 5



97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction

Jon Lovitz’s Monologue

…..Jon Lovitz

Jon Lovitz: [ enjoying the applause received by the audience ] Thank yoooooooooooouu!! Well — [ coughes, accidentally belches ] Excuse me.. my lip has gas. Well, I’m thrilled to be back in New York, because I’m about to star on Broadway in a new one-man show entitled “Jon lovitz Is Jon Lovitz”. And you’re probably wondering, “Now, how did he get the part?” Well, I’ll tell you – I auditioned, like everyone else. Now, thousands of people showed up to audition; it was down to two people – me.. and Oprah Winfrey. Well.. Oprah got the part. But she could only commit for a month, so, then, I took over the role myself!

And what a show it is. Oh, we’ve got acting! Like this.. [ acting overdramatic ] “Oh, Mother.. Mother, I don’t feel good.. Mother, please! MOTHERRRRRRRR!!!” Acting! Thank you! [ audience applauds wildly ]

And we’ve got dancing.. [ shows off his magnificent comic dance moves ] Jealous?

And we’ve got.. singing.

[ SNL band backs up Lovitz ]

I’d like to dedicate this song.. to someone very special who’s here tonight. Someone who is the reason.. I get out of bed every morning.. and the person I love.. more than anyone else in the whole world.

[ wanders out into the audience, begins to sing ]

“Someday, when I’m awfully low –“

[ touches the cheek of a woman in the audience ]

How you doing?

“When the world is cold–“

[ points offscreen to another woman in the audience ]

Lookin’ good!

“I will feel a glow
Just thinking of you –“

[ walks over to a monitor with an image of him singing, and points at himself ]

“And the way you look.. tonight.”

[ runs back on stage, where another monitor with his image on it waits ]

“Yes, you’re lovely
With your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft
There’s nothing for me
But to love you
And the way you look. tonight.”

We’ve got a great show! Jane’s Addiction is here! Yeah! Yeah! Jon Lovitz is here!

[ singing ] “So, stick around, we’ll be right baaaaaaaaaaack!”

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