Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 5
97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction
Colin Quinn Explains The New York Times
Announcer: And now, Colin Quinn explains the New York Times.
Colin Quinn: The New York Times. Everything that you need to know about our world is right here in this paper. But do we read it? No. We all want to be the kind of people that read it, and say to yourself, “I’m going to start reading the Times every day”. But instead, we buy People magazine and watch Hard Copy, and life slowly slips away, doesn’t it? But don’t worry about it, because that’s what I’m here for. I’ll read the Times for you every day and break it down.
Okay, on Monday, we’ve got the President and Paula Jones. You don’t even have to know anything about this story, except that it’s the saddest scandal in history, okay, because nobody even had sex. What kind of country is it when the President can’t get people to go to bed with him.
Alright, but look here, on Tuesday, on page A3, we’ve got this guy in upstate New York who’s giving everybody AIDS. What the hell is that! I mean, on one hand, you’ve got the President coming up to girls, “Hi girls, I’m the President.” “Ewww, who cares, get away from me!” Then this guy, “Hi, I’m a crackhead homeless drug dealer. Just blew into town. Who wants to have sex?” “I do! Me too! Me next!”
Now, on Wednesday, here’s the Metro Section, we have the Bloods in New York. The Bloods – a group of guys going around cutting people. Not even just other gang members – just because you’re wearing red. Just for wearing red, they’ll cut you. I’d hate to be a department store Santa this Christmas, you know what I’m saying? You’re standing out there, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry – Ow! Son of a bitch! He cut me!” And the real Bloods in the interview, they say that these guys are just wannabes. No folks – wannabes are the two kids in Salt Lake City who wear their Utah Jazz caps backwards and listen to the Wu-Tang Clan when their parents are in church. A posse on the subway slicing people up with box-cutters? I don’t know, that seems like gang members to me. And where have the Crips been during all this? You know, the Crips are like Pepsi – you think they fired their marketing guy?
Alright. Let’s go to Thursday in the International section. What is this constant conflict with Iraq, you ask. I’ll explain the whole Iraq-global politics thing to you. Iraq is that drunk guy at the party that nobody likes, he’s kind of a creep, and he picks you out to try and ridicule you, because mostly everybody likes you, you’ve got the cute girlfriend, you’re American, you know. But he’s got a beat on you, he knows you’re a bit of a hypocrite, he makes you paranoid. You want to punch him in the face, shut him up, but that would make you look bad. And your pals, England and France, are like, “Don’t do it. Don’t sink down to his level.” So you try to be a gentleman about it and say to Iraq, “C’mon, Iraq, let’s just agree to disagree.” He smacks your hand away. So, later that night, you key his car. Or, as actually it happened, you kill his son with a missile.
Alright. Friday – let’s check out today’s sports. The Jets and Giants are in first place. The last time that happened, alright, I had long hair, I was out of work, smoking a joint, listening to the Allman Brothers and talking about the Vietnam War. That’s right – the last time that happened was 1995.
I’m Colin Quinn, thank you, good night.