Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 5
97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
…..Norm MacDonald
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacdonald!
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm Macdonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]Norm Macdonald: Thank you, I’m Norm Macdonald,now the fake news, our top story tonight:
Last night, ex-sportscaster Marv Albert and fianceeHeather Faulkner appeared on 20/20 with BarbaraWalters in what Albert admitted was an uphill battleto have a really hot three-way. …
Earlier today, following two weeks of provocation bySaddam Hussein over U.N. weapons inspection, PresidentClinton has issued his clearest warning yet to theIraqi leader. The unusually frank, strongly wordedletter reads as follows, quote: “Should yourgovernment persist in flouting international law, Iwill have no choice but to order military action whichwill be both swift and devastating. Of course, whenthe time for military action comes, I may simplypanic, flee to England and smoke dope until the wholething’s over … But, then again, I may NOT!”…
More fallout from the recent conviction of British aupair Louise Woodward on murder charges. This week, herattorney, Barry Scheck, lashed out at the legalsystem, saying, quote, “What kind of sick society dowe live in where an innocent girl is sent to prisonwhile a double murderer like O. J. Simpson goes free?”… Kind of a– …
Meanwhile, O. J. Simpson’s Brentwood estate officiallywent on sale this week with an asking price of threepoint nine million dollars. According to realtors,some of the home’s highlights include a newlyrenovated gourmet kitchen and a luxurious masterbathroom with separate sinks for murderer andmurderee. [crowd gasps, Norm looks around quizzically]… [crowd falls silent, Norm sings softly:]Murderer, murderee …
On Capitol Hill this week, seventeen Republicancongressmen formally asked the House JudiciaryCommittee whether there is sufficient evidence tobegin impeachment proceedings against PresidentClinton. In response, the president said, quote: “Hey!You know who would have the answer to that question?Vince Foster.” … [scattered applause]
With the release of over one hundred hours ofvideotape of President Clinton at campaignfundraisers, the pressure continues to mount onAttorney General Janet Reno to name an independentcounsel to investigate the president. In addition,some senators are said to be furious that, instead ofwatching the videotapes, Reno has been taping overthem with episodes of “Xena: Warrior Princess.” …[some applause]
On Tuesday, New York City Mayor Rudolph Giulianicruised to reelection with fifty-seven per cent of thevote. [some cheers and applause] The mayor credits hisvictory to strict enforcement of “quality of life”ordinances, while loser Ruth Messinger blamed herdefeat on low voter turnout by aggressive panhandlersand squeegee men. … She was expectin’ them to showup strongly. …
This week, the crew of the trouble-plagued Russianspace station Mir took a much-deserved break, usingtheir on-board computer to do some shopping on theInternet. Among the cosmonauts’ purchases this week: aVCR, an exercise bike, and a new space station.… [mild reaction, Norm shrugs]
Norm Macdonald: Well, right now, I’d like tobring out an old friend who we’ve not seen on WeekendUpdate for many years. Please welcome the president ofthe Pathological Liars Association of America –[crowd reacts with delight] — Tommy Flanagan! [Hugecheers and applause for Tommy.]
Tommy Flanagan: Hello. My name is TommyFlana– er, Flanagan, yeah. … Well,people have been wondering what I’ve been doinglately. Well, I’ve been doing a lot. Fact, uh, er,just last night I went to bed– I mean, I went toTibet! Yeah, that’s it, and I – I went there topick up my shirt at the laundry. And I had athousand pieces of paper in my pocket. So I tookone piece of paper out of my– and I said, “Will thisget me my shirt back?” And he said no. And I said,”Well, hey! Will this piece of paper get me my shirtback?” And the man at the laundry said no. And I said,”Well, gee, gee, how about this piece of paper?Will this get me my shirt back?” And he said —“Yeah, that’s the ticket!” … [groans,cheers and applause for Tommy’s trademarkcatch-phrase]
So I, uh, you know, I put my shirt on and I – I wentfor a hike and then – and then I fell down a glacier!Yeah, that’s it. Twenty thousand fee– er, miles!Yeah! … And I was frozen in the ice — to death. And the following Spring, I thawed out. And when Icame to, who do you think was next to me? AmeliaEarhart! Yeah. … Yeah, and I said, “Hey, Amelia,how ya doin’?” And she said, “Mmm, not good.” …’Cause her leg had been broken. But her plane had beenpreserved in the ice. And I said, “Well, if you let mefly your plane out of here, I’ll come back for you.”[confidentially] It was the only time I lied….
But I – I had to get out of there ’cause I was eatin’an apple– I mean, I had an appointm– I had anaudition. Yeah. … For “Boogie Nights” …Yeah, that’s it. Yeah, they, uh, they needed somebodyfor the last scene. … So I pulled my pants down andI said, “Eh, what do you think?” And they said,ehhhhh, “You’re overqualified.” … I said,”Oh, that’s funny — I was in a cold bath allday!” … Yeah, that’s the ticket. Yeah…
Norm Macdonald: Tommy Flanagan, everybody![cheers and applause, Tommy hesitantly shakes handswith Norm and exits]
The Franklin Mint has announced plans to market aPrincess Diana porcelain doll. And the timing of themove has made some people very unhappy. Critics chargethat the doll is in poor taste and they’re even moreupset about the Franklin Mint’s other new offering —porcelain land mines. … You can play withthem together, if you want. …
[Photo of drummer Bill Berry whose thick dark eyebrowsappear to be connected] This week, a milestone in rockmusic. R.E.M. drummer Bill Berry has announced that heis quitting the band. Berry, who has been with R.E.M.for seventeen years, says the decision to leave wasentirely mutual, between himself and his gianteyebrow. … [scattered applause] They talked it overand they decided it was best for both of them. [Photo of chubby talk show host Ricki Lake] A sadstory from the world of entertainment this week. Talkshow host Ricki Lake had to get rid of her dog Dudleyafter the pooch became too aggressive with her sevenmonth old son, Milo. A clearly saddened Lake said, “Itbroke my heart to get rid of that dog. But hewas delicious.” … [groans, scatteredapplause] She ate a whole dog! …In aviation news, a new study suggests there might bemore survivors of plane crashes if all seats wereequipped with air bags. According to the study, thisis especially true for plane crashes under fifty milesper hour. … The other ones, it doesn’t do much good….
In Waukesha, Wisconsin, five grade school studentshave been charged with holding down a boy and givinghim a wedgie, tearing his underwear in the process…. The students now face three-day suspensions aswell as fines of up to one hundred and forty dollars.Meanwhile, the boy himself faces more wedgies.… [scattered applause]
In New Zealand, a convicted swindler who weighs sixhundred and seventy pounds has been sentenced to housearrest because he is too big for prison. According toprison officials, it took four inmates just to rapehim. … [some disbelief mixed with applause, cheers]Huge man!
And, finally, when Richard Gere made his firstappearance recently on “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” thetwo got along famously. But all that may change whenthe actor hears about this month’s Oprah Winfrey BookClub selection. It’s called “What Really Happened?” byRichard Gere’s gerbil. … [some disbelief mixed withapplause, cheers, boos] That’s crazy.
Okay, folks! That’s the news! Have a good -thing!
[Norm unclasps the microphone from his necktie. Music,cheers and applause as we dissolve to the WUgraphic.]Submitted Anonymously
