SNL Transcripts: Clare Danes: 11/15/97: Barry Scheck’s Clients

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 6

97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

Barry Scheck’s Clients

Barry Scheck … Norm MacDonald
Mrs. Scheck … Molly Shannon
Louise Woodward … Claire Danes
O. J. Simpson … Tim Meadows
Ted Kaczynski … Will Ferrell
Terry Nichols … Jim Breuer

[Night. Exterior of a nice house in the city. SUPER:Barry Scheck’s Home. Dissolve to interior of theliving room where attorney Barry Scheck sits on thesofa and works at his laptop computer. His wife, Mrs.Scheck, enters.]

Mrs. Scheck: Ooh, all right, Barry. The kidsare all tucked in upstairs, okay?

Barry Scheck: Oh, okay, thanks, honey.

Mrs. Scheck: Okay, so I’m gonna go to thatP.T.A. meeting. Now, you’re gonna be okay here?

Barry Scheck: Oh, yeah, yeah. I got these legalbriefs to go over for – for my trial tomorrow, so…

Mrs. Scheck: Okay, sweetie. All right, I’ll seeyou later. [they kiss]

Barry Scheck: Okay, honey.

[Mrs. Scheck exits, Barry continues to work oncomputer while eating French fries. He tries to pourketchup out of a bottle with no success. Doorbellrings. Barry rises and answers the door. LouiseWoodward, the British nanny acquitted of murder forshaking a baby to death, enters.]

Louise Woodward: [British accent] Hello, Mr.Scheck.

Barry Scheck: Aha! Louise! H-How are you? Whatare you doing here?

Louise Woodward: Oh, well, I wanted to thankyou for taking on my case and getting me out of jail.

Barry Scheck: Ah, well, no problem. Justiceprevailed and that’s the important thing.

Louise Woodward: Oh, and also since I must stayin the country until my appeal is resolved, I-I’d liketo ask you a small favor.

Barry Scheck: Oh, of course. Anything at all.

Louise Woodward: Can I be your nanny?

Barry Scheck: Dah!! No! No, we’re, ah, we’renot looking for anyone right now.

Louise Woodward: [holds up a newspaper ad] Butthis ad here says you’re looking for a nanny.

Barry Scheck: Ha! The ad, yes! Well, all right,well, ah, just, uh, mail me your references and, uh–See you later!

Louise Woodward: Oh, well, I’ve – I’ve got myreferences right here. [offers him a filefolder]

Barry Scheck: Oh, you do, huh?

Louise Woodward: Yes.

Barry Scheck: [takes folder, opens it, readsit] All right, well, let’s take a look at ’em, here,your references, are, uh… Let me see, uh, “BarryScheck.” Well, that’s me. And, uh, “England.” … Thewhole country, huh? And then, this is odd, you’veactually given a phone number for England. That’s, uh- I didn’t realize that the – countries had their ownphone numbers. Listen, Louise, ah, we don’t need anynannies, so, uh…

Louise Woodward: But – but, who will look afteryour children?

Barry Scheck: Ha! Our children, yes! Well, uh,what we do is, me and the wife, when we go out, we,ah, just leave the kids a couple of jigsaw puzzles anda pack of bologna. All right! See ya!

Louise Woodward: Oh, it’s really cold outthere. Could – could I please come in for a spell?

Barry Scheck: Huh, well, ah, let me think aboutit there, ah– No, you can’t!

Louise Woodward: Oh, please! I’m really cold!

Barry Scheck: Well, all right. Just for aminute, I guess. [Barry and Louise sit on the sofa,Barry tries again to pour ketchup on his French fries]Just having some dinner, here.

Louise Woodward: What are you trying to do?

Barry Scheck: Ah, I’m trying to get thisketchup– It won’t come out.

Louise Woodward: Ah, ooh, let me try. [grabsbottle] See, you’ve really got to shake it. Shake it![shakes bottle violently] Shake it until it getsloose! Damn it! Why won’t the ketchup comeout?!

Barry Scheck: Louise! [grabs ketchup bottleback] That’s my bottle of ketchup, there.

[Doorbell rings. Barry rises and answers it. Acquitteddouble murderer O. J. Simpson enters, all smiles.]

O. J. Simpson: Hey, Barry, what’s happening,man?

Barry Scheck: O. J.!

O. J. Simpson: [they shake hands] Yeah, how youdoing?

Barry Scheck: O. J., what – what are you doinghere?

O. J. Simpson: Look, I just, ah, wanted to comeby and thank you for getting me acquitted, man. Thanksa lot. [gives Barry a quick hug]

Barry Scheck: Ahaha, yeah, well, no problem.Okay, see you later.

O. J. Simpson: [takes off coat, grinning, movestoward Louise] Hey, uh, who’s the hottie?

Barry Scheck: The “hottie”? That – that’s ananny.

O. J. Simpson: [laughs] Yeah, right.

Louise Woodward: [still on the sofa, shakingthe ketchup bottle, talking to herself] … Damnketchup out of the bottle!

O. J. Simpson: [to Louise] Oh, here, let me seethat. You know, you need to stick something in there.Here, let me see. [O. J. pulls out a huge knife, takesthe bottle and repeatedly jams the knife into it.]

Barry Scheck: [shocked] Good Lord! O. J., putthe knife down! O. J.!

O. J. Simpson: Now, wait a minute. Hold on onesecond, my hands get sweaty when I’m working. [whipsout a black glove]

Barry Scheck: [stunned] Dah!!

O. J. Simpson: [puts glove on, continues to jamthe knife down the neck of the bottle] Yeah, that’lldo it! Oh, yes, yes, this is it, yes!

[Doorbell rings but Barry doesn’t hear it – somesmerized is he by the sight of a gloved O. J.jamming a huge knife up and down into a ketchupbottle. On the second ring, Barry hurries to the doorand answers it. Bearded, wild-haired Unabomber TedKaczynski, wearing orange prison jumpsuit and carryinga package wrapped in brown paper, enters.]

Ted Kaczynski: Mr. Scheck?

Barry Scheck: [terrified] Ahhh!

Ted Kaczynski: Hi, I’m – I’m Ted Kaczynski, youknow, the Unabomber?

Barry Scheck: Yeah, yeah, I know who you are.

Ted Kaczynski: How the hell are ya?

Barry Scheck: Ha ha, uh, I’m fine. What do youwant?

Ted Kaczynski: Well, my trial’s just gettin’started and I need a good lawyer. What do you say?

Barry Scheck: Ah, uh, yeah, well, you know, uh,the thing is, ah, you know, my schedule’s really tightright now and, I–

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, that isn’t a computer overthere, is it?

Barry Scheck: Oh, yes – NO!

Ted Kaczynski: Oh, good, okay. Oh, oh thatreminds me, Barry, I brought you something. [handsBarry the package]

Barry Scheck: Oh. DAH! [hands it back toKaczynski] You just hold on to that.

Ted Kaczynski: Okay, okay. Look, I’m just gonnago mingle. Heyyyy!

Barry Scheck: Ha, mingle.

Ted Kaczynski: [joins O. J.] Hey, Juice,what’re you doin’?

O. J. Simpson: Ah, I’m just trying to get theketchup out of this bottle.

Ted Kaczynski: Is it Heinz?

O. J. Simpson: Yeah.

Ted Kaczynski: [conspiratorially] Well, look onthe side of the bottle and tap the “57.”

O. J. Simpson: Oh.

Louise Woodward: [shaking a martini shaker overher head] Does anyone want a martini?

Barry Scheck: Louise! For God’s sake! [takesshaker away from Louise as the doorbell rings] Mymartini shaker! [Barry sets shaker down and goes toanswer the door. Louise immediately picks up shakerand continues to shake it. Barry opens door.Bespectacled Oklahoma City bombing accomplice TerryNichols enters.]

Terry Nichols: How are you, Mr. Scheck? [shakeshands with Barry] Terry Nichols, here.

Barry Scheck: Oh, yeah.

Terry Nichols: Yeah, I came to see if you’d,uh, represent me …

Barry Scheck: Oh!

Terry Nichols: [takes his coat off] … in theOklahoma City bombing trial.

Barry Scheck: Yeah, well, I’m kind of busy withthe, uh, Unabomber.

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, Terry, can you help us getthe ketchup out of the bottle, here?

Terry Nichols: Sure, got any ammonium nitrateand fertilizer?

[Wild-eyed, Kaczynski laughs. Violently shaking themartini shaker, Louise laughs. O. J., knife in glovedhand and red ketchup spattered all over his whiteshirt, laughs.]

O. J. Simpson: I sure made a mess of thisketchup! Barry, you wanna get rid of this for me?[hands Barry the knife]

[Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World” plays.Barry, knife in hand, steps forward into a spotlightto address the camera. As he does, the room darkensand Barry’s “guests” crowd together in the background:Louise hands out drinks to the others, Nichols and O.J. toast one another, Kaczynski and Louise slow dance,Nichols pulls out a small camera and he and O. J. posefor a picture.]

Barry Scheck: Ah, well, I’ll never forget thatmagical night. Laughing and singing with TerryNichols, O. J., the British nanny, and the Unabomber.We became the best of friends. Then when I wake up thenext morning, I realized my wife had been stabbed, mybaby had been shaken, and my house had been blown uptwice. … You know, some people might call that atragedy, but I call it four new clients. And four newfriends.

[Barry rejoins his new friends. Applause. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

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