SNL Transcripts: Clare Danes: 11/15/97: Barry Scheck’s Clients


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 6

97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

Barry Scheck’s Clients

Barry Scheck … Norm MacDonald
Mrs. Scheck … Molly Shannon
Louise Woodward … Claire Danes
O. J. Simpson … Tim Meadows
Ted Kaczynski … Will Ferrell
Terry Nichols … Jim Breuer

[Night. Exterior of a nice house in the city. SUPER:Barry Scheck’s Home. Dissolve to interior of theliving room where attorney Barry Scheck sits on thesofa and works at his laptop computer. His wife, Mrs.Scheck, enters.]

Mrs. Scheck: Ooh, all right, Barry. The kidsare all tucked in upstairs, okay?

Barry Scheck: Oh, okay, thanks, honey.

Mrs. Scheck: Okay, so I’m gonna go to thatP.T.A. meeting. Now, you’re gonna be okay here?

Barry Scheck: Oh, yeah, yeah. I got these legalbriefs to go over for – for my trial tomorrow, so…

Mrs. Scheck: Okay, sweetie. All right, I’ll seeyou later. [they kiss]

Barry Scheck: Okay, honey.

[Mrs. Scheck exits, Barry continues to work oncomputer while eating French fries. He tries to pourketchup out of a bottle with no success. Doorbellrings. Barry rises and answers the door. LouiseWoodward, the British nanny acquitted of murder forshaking a baby to death, enters.]

Louise Woodward: [British accent] Hello, Mr.Scheck.

Barry Scheck: Aha! Louise! H-How are you? Whatare you doing here?

Louise Woodward: Oh, well, I wanted to thankyou for taking on my case and getting me out of jail.

Barry Scheck: Ah, well, no problem. Justiceprevailed and that’s the important thing.

Louise Woodward: Oh, and also since I must stayin the country until my appeal is resolved, I-I’d liketo ask you a small favor.

Barry Scheck: Oh, of course. Anything at all.

Louise Woodward: Can I be your nanny?

Barry Scheck: Dah!! No! No, we’re, ah, we’renot looking for anyone right now.

Louise Woodward: [holds up a newspaper ad] Butthis ad here says you’re looking for a nanny.

Barry Scheck: Ha! The ad, yes! Well, all right,well, ah, just, uh, mail me your references and, uh–See you later!

Louise Woodward: Oh, well, I’ve – I’ve got myreferences right here. [offers him a filefolder]

Barry Scheck: Oh, you do, huh?

Louise Woodward: Yes.

Barry Scheck: [takes folder, opens it, readsit] All right, well, let’s take a look at ’em, here,your references, are, uh… Let me see, uh, “BarryScheck.” Well, that’s me. And, uh, “England.” … Thewhole country, huh? And then, this is odd, you’veactually given a phone number for England. That’s, uh- I didn’t realize that the – countries had their ownphone numbers. Listen, Louise, ah, we don’t need anynannies, so, uh…

Louise Woodward: But – but, who will look afteryour children?

Barry Scheck: Ha! Our children, yes! Well, uh,what we do is, me and the wife, when we go out, we,ah, just leave the kids a couple of jigsaw puzzles anda pack of bologna. All right! See ya!

Louise Woodward: Oh, it’s really cold outthere. Could – could I please come in for a spell?

Barry Scheck: Huh, well, ah, let me think aboutit there, ah– No, you can’t!

Louise Woodward: Oh, please! I’m really cold!

Barry Scheck: Well, all right. Just for aminute, I guess. [Barry and Louise sit on the sofa,Barry tries again to pour ketchup on his French fries]Just having some dinner, here.

Louise Woodward: What are you trying to do?

Barry Scheck: Ah, I’m trying to get thisketchup– It won’t come out.

Louise Woodward: Ah, ooh, let me try. [grabsbottle] See, you’ve really got to shake it. Shake it![shakes bottle violently] Shake it until it getsloose! Damn it! Why won’t the ketchup comeout?!

Barry Scheck: Louise! [grabs ketchup bottleback] That’s my bottle of ketchup, there.

[Doorbell rings. Barry rises and answers it. Acquitteddouble murderer O. J. Simpson enters, all smiles.]

O. J. Simpson: Hey, Barry, what’s happening,man?

Barry Scheck: O. J.!

O. J. Simpson: [they shake hands] Yeah, how youdoing?

Barry Scheck: O. J., what – what are you doinghere?

O. J. Simpson: Look, I just, ah, wanted to comeby and thank you for getting me acquitted, man. Thanksa lot. [gives Barry a quick hug]

Barry Scheck: Ahaha, yeah, well, no problem.Okay, see you later.

O. J. Simpson: [takes off coat, grinning, movestoward Louise] Hey, uh, who’s the hottie?

Barry Scheck: The “hottie”? That – that’s ananny.

O. J. Simpson: [laughs] Yeah, right.

Louise Woodward: [still on the sofa, shakingthe ketchup bottle, talking to herself] … Damnketchup out of the bottle!

O. J. Simpson: [to Louise] Oh, here, let me seethat. You know, you need to stick something in there.Here, let me see. [O. J. pulls out a huge knife, takesthe bottle and repeatedly jams the knife into it.]

Barry Scheck: [shocked] Good Lord! O. J., putthe knife down! O. J.!

O. J. Simpson: Now, wait a minute. Hold on onesecond, my hands get sweaty when I’m working. [whipsout a black glove]

Barry Scheck: [stunned] Dah!!

O. J. Simpson: [puts glove on, continues to jamthe knife down the neck of the bottle] Yeah, that’lldo it! Oh, yes, yes, this is it, yes!

[Doorbell rings but Barry doesn’t hear it – somesmerized is he by the sight of a gloved O. J.jamming a huge knife up and down into a ketchupbottle. On the second ring, Barry hurries to the doorand answers it. Bearded, wild-haired Unabomber TedKaczynski, wearing orange prison jumpsuit and carryinga package wrapped in brown paper, enters.]

Ted Kaczynski: Mr. Scheck?

Barry Scheck: [terrified] Ahhh!

Ted Kaczynski: Hi, I’m – I’m Ted Kaczynski, youknow, the Unabomber?

Barry Scheck: Yeah, yeah, I know who you are.

Ted Kaczynski: How the hell are ya?

Barry Scheck: Ha ha, uh, I’m fine. What do youwant?

Ted Kaczynski: Well, my trial’s just gettin’started and I need a good lawyer. What do you say?

Barry Scheck: Ah, uh, yeah, well, you know, uh,the thing is, ah, you know, my schedule’s really tightright now and, I–

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, that isn’t a computer overthere, is it?

Barry Scheck: Oh, yes – NO!

Ted Kaczynski: Oh, good, okay. Oh, oh thatreminds me, Barry, I brought you something. [handsBarry the package]

Barry Scheck: Oh. DAH! [hands it back toKaczynski] You just hold on to that.

Ted Kaczynski: Okay, okay. Look, I’m just gonnago mingle. Heyyyy!

Barry Scheck: Ha, mingle.

Ted Kaczynski: [joins O. J.] Hey, Juice,what’re you doin’?

O. J. Simpson: Ah, I’m just trying to get theketchup out of this bottle.

Ted Kaczynski: Is it Heinz?

O. J. Simpson: Yeah.

Ted Kaczynski: [conspiratorially] Well, look onthe side of the bottle and tap the “57.”

O. J. Simpson: Oh.

Louise Woodward: [shaking a martini shaker overher head] Does anyone want a martini?

Barry Scheck: Louise! For God’s sake! [takesshaker away from Louise as the doorbell rings] Mymartini shaker! [Barry sets shaker down and goes toanswer the door. Louise immediately picks up shakerand continues to shake it. Barry opens door.Bespectacled Oklahoma City bombing accomplice TerryNichols enters.]

Terry Nichols: How are you, Mr. Scheck? [shakeshands with Barry] Terry Nichols, here.

Barry Scheck: Oh, yeah.

Terry Nichols: Yeah, I came to see if you’d,uh, represent me …

Barry Scheck: Oh!

Terry Nichols: [takes his coat off] … in theOklahoma City bombing trial.

Barry Scheck: Yeah, well, I’m kind of busy withthe, uh, Unabomber.

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, Terry, can you help us getthe ketchup out of the bottle, here?

Terry Nichols: Sure, got any ammonium nitrateand fertilizer?

[Wild-eyed, Kaczynski laughs. Violently shaking themartini shaker, Louise laughs. O. J., knife in glovedhand and red ketchup spattered all over his whiteshirt, laughs.]

O. J. Simpson: I sure made a mess of thisketchup! Barry, you wanna get rid of this for me?[hands Barry the knife]

[Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World” plays.Barry, knife in hand, steps forward into a spotlightto address the camera. As he does, the room darkensand Barry’s “guests” crowd together in the background:Louise hands out drinks to the others, Nichols and O.J. toast one another, Kaczynski and Louise slow dance,Nichols pulls out a small camera and he and O. J. posefor a picture.]

Barry Scheck: Ah, well, I’ll never forget thatmagical night. Laughing and singing with TerryNichols, O. J., the British nanny, and the Unabomber.We became the best of friends. Then when I wake up thenext morning, I realized my wife had been stabbed, mybaby had been shaken, and my house had been blown uptwice. … You know, some people might call that atragedy, but I call it four new clients. And four newfriends.

[Barry rejoins his new friends. Applause. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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