SNL Transcripts: Clare Danes: 11/15/97: Peter Pan


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 6

97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

Peter Pan

Peter Pan…..Chris Kattan
Wendy…..Ana Gasteyer
Tinkerbell…..Claire Danes

[ open on Peter Pan in Wendy’s room ]

Peter Pan: You just can’t grow up! You have to come with me to Never Never Land!

Wendy: Never Never Land? How wonderful! Peter, I’m so excited.. I’d like to give you.. a kiss. [ as Peter leans in, Tinkerbell buzzes by ] Oh, my.. what’s wrong with Tinkerbell?

Peter Pan: Why.. I think she’s jealous!

Wendy: Jealous? Of me? How funny!

Peter Pan: Yep! She’s jealous, alright! She’s flittering and scattering around Pixie Dust so much, that’s how I can tell.

Wendy: I wonder what she’s saying?

[ close-up on Tinkerbell and her thoughts ]

Tinkerbell: [ angry ] You whore! You flithy, rotten slut! You keep your bony ass away from him, you hear me, you hatchet-faced tramp! This chunk is mine, bitch! I’ve been working that man for years, trying to get some of his greens! I own that piece of..

[ Peter and Wendy continue to laugh as Tinkerbell buzzes around the room ]

Wendy: Look at her go! It looks like you’ve got quite a frisky fairy on your hands.

Peter Pan: Yep, that’s Tink! She’s quite a little firecracker.

Wendy: I should say so. Just listen to all that merry little tinkling!

[ close-up on Tinkerbell and her thoughts ]

Tinkerbell: ..and you can just suck it! You hear that?! I’m gonna make you suck it! You do not wnat what I got! I’ll bitch-slap you! I’ll cut off your feet and mail them to your parents! And, you, Peter.. if you so much as touch that dirty piece of sailor-meat, I’ll handcuff you to a radiator and beat you with a curtain rod, you mother..

[ Peter and Wendy continue to laugh as Tinkerbell buzzes around the room ]

Peter Pan: Ah, Tink, you look like you got a bee in your bonnet!

Wendy: [ jumping across the room ] Oh, I wish I were a fairy! What a gay, gay time of it I would have!

[ close-up on Tinkerbell smoking a cigarette ]

Tinkerbell: What the hell have I done with my life? I’m the fairy equivalent of a thirty-eight year-old woman.. And I’ve spent most of my adult life chasing after a ten year-old in tights. I can’t read or write.. I’m named “Tinkerbell”, for God’s sake! Well, screw it! It’s time for Tink to get some booze in her gut, and her legs in the air!

[ cut to Peter telling Wendy all about Tinkerbell ]

Peter Pan: Yeah.. Tinkerbell’s been following me around for years. I give her an acorn every couple of days. She seems happy. [ Tinkerbell flies up to a bottle of booze ] Hey.. what’s Tink up to?

Wendy: [ laughing ] Oh! The silly little sprite seems to have taken a liking to Father’s brandy. [ Tinkerbell drinks the entire bottle ] Oh, naughty Tinkerbell!

[ close-up off a drunken Tinkerbell ]

Tinkerbell: [ hiccups ] You never loved me, you puke! I coulda been a dancer! Everybody said I was good enough, I coulda made it big! But, no! I had to crap it all away on you, Pan! But it all ends tonight!

[ Peter and Wendy laugh harder than ever at Tinkerbell’s antics ]

Wendy: Peter, look. Isn’t that cute! Tinkerbell’s got a knife!

[ Peter and Wendy laugh, until they notice Tinkerbell is pointing the knife straight at them ] [ close-up of Tinkerbell holding the knife determindedly ]

Tinkerbell: Oh, yeah.. I’m drunk, and someone’s gettin’ cut! I got nothin’ to lose, do you hear me?! I’m gonna gut you like a fish! Don’t screw with me! I’m Tinkerbell!!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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