Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 7
…..Mayor Rudolph Giuliani
[ open on Chris Kattan talking to a showgirl backstage ]
Chris Kattan: — As I was saying: I play this character called “Mr. Peppers”. He’s a half-man, half-monkey, and he eats an apple like this — [ he demonstrates the motion as Molly Shannon walks forward ]
Showgirl: I see —
Molly Shannon: Excuse me… excuse me. I need Kattan for one minute. [ the showgirl steps away ] Okay, thanks. Chris, have you seen the Mayor? He’s, like — he’s, like, really gotten into this performing thing.
Chris Kattan: Yeah, of course he’s into it. The guy throws himself into everything he does.
Molly Shannon: No! That’s not what I mean!
Chris Kattan: Look, Molly, don’t even worry about it. I mean, the guy — he’s the mayor of the toughest city in the world. Come on.
Molly Shannon: Yeah —[ Mayor Rudolph Giuliani walks up to Chris and Molly, dressed in a foppish outfit with a powdered wig atop his head ]
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Chris, Molly — could you do me a favor?
Chris Kattan: Yeah — sure.
Molly Shannon: Ss–sure.
Chris Kattan: Yeah.
Molly Shannon: Whatever.
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Let’s not bother with the formalities, “Chrissie”. Please call me… “Rudolph”.
Chris Kattan: O-kayyy… “Rudolph.” Um — shouldn’t you get dressed for the monologue?
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Well, that’s exactly the problem, . That dreadful man in the costume department is trying to put me in some drab, tacky little suit for my entrance! I look like a… begger!
Chris Kattan: Why don’t they just let you wear your own clothes?
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: These are my clothes! Isn’t it marvelous? [ Chris and Molly appear dumbfounded ] Oh, and the wig they want me to wear. It’s just not ME!
Molly Shannon: [ glances at the powdered wig and nods ] Oh. Yeah, th-that wig is just awful! You can definitely do better than — than — that!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: My dear girl — this is my real hair! [ Colin Quinn suddenly steps forward ] Colin. Do you think this — this works without the cape?
Colin Quinn: [ to Chris and Molly ] Can you guys give me a second? [ they nod and run away without further prompting ] Listen… Mayor Giuliani —
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Call me… “Rudolph”.
Colin Quinn: [ holds up his finger ] No! Listen to me: you’re the mayor of New York City, not Sgt. Pepper!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Oh, “Mayor” is just another one of the characters I do. I can slip into it as easily as any — any of my characters! [ demonstrates ] “Show me the money!! Show me the money!!”
Colin Quinn: Please! Stop that!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: I’m doing this show so I can have some fun and be myself — not that dreary “Mayor Giuliani” character. So drab, drab, drab! All day long, it’s potholes and zoning, those horrid people from the press!
Colin Quinn: Listen! If you were going down to bust up the Fulton Fish Market dressed like that, we’d still be eating Clams Gambino!! You gotta be the Mayor! Yuo gotta ACT like the Mayor!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Colin, I think not.
Colin Quinn: Well, I think so! Look — you probably don’t know this, but I’m from Brooklyn!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: How can I not know it? It’s half your act!
Colin Quinn: There’s no need for that! [ a beat ] Now, shave that thing off your lip, and GET OUT THERE and show ’em what New York City is all about!! [ music rises ] This is the city where DiMaggio played center field! Where Gershwin wrote “Rhapsody in Blue”! Where Washington was inaugurated President! Half the families in this country came through Ellis Island! It’s the Empire State Building! It’s Martin Scorcese! It’s The Ramones! It’s The Apollo! It’s Leonard Bernstein! Emmett’s Field! Birdland! Roseland! Peepland! It’s Fiorello LaGuardia!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Don’t forget the New York Yankees!!
Colin Quinn: That’s right! The Yankees! This is New York City! And you are the Mayor! Now, say it!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: “Live, from the Capitol of the World, it’s Saturday Night!”