SNL Transcripts: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: 11/22/97: Friggin’ Giuliani!


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Friggin’ Giuliani!

Irate Cabdriver…..Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
Fare #1…..Will Ferrell
Fare #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Fare #3…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on interior, New York City taxi cab ]

Cabdriver: Where to?

Fare #1: Uh.. 14th and 3rd.

Cabdriver: You got it.

Recording: This is Richard Dreyfuss. Just buckle your seatbelt. Don’t act like some bigshot. Just put it on. Now! [ eerie laughter ]

Fare #1: What the hell was that?

Cabdriver: Celebrities tellin’ people to put their seatbelts on. The Mayor put a tape in every cab. Friggin’ Guiliani! Can you believe what he did to 42nd Street?

Fare #1: Huh? Oh, yeah, it’s great!

Cabdriver: Great? You gotta be kiddin’. I’ll take porn over Disney any day! Friggin’ Guiliani!

Fare #1: Well, he’s just trying to clean up the city.

Cabdriver: Listen, I’ve lived in this city for forty-four years. I was born here, and I can tell ya, three things make New York great: crime, noise and porn!

Fare #1: You know, some people like a clean city.

Cabdriver: Where do you come from?

Fare #1: Boston.

Cabdriver: [ slams brakes ] Get outta my cab!

Fare #1: What?

Cabdriver: You heard me. Go back to Beantown, you hippie! [ Fare #1 exits the cab ]

Recording: This is Richard Dreyfuss again. Don’t forget your belongings, or you’ll be saying goodbye.. girl.. to your wallet. Just do it!

Cabdriver: [ honks horn ] Move it, you piece of garbage limo! [ slows down and picks up Fare #2 ]

Fare #2: 1236 Park Avenue, please.

Cabdriver: Well, la-dee-dah!

Fare #2: Eh-excuse me?

Cabdriver: Nothin’, nothin’, nothin’..

Recording: This is Bob Costas, reminding you to buckle up your seatbelt, to save and protect you. Like a young Willie Mayes reaching over his shoulder..

Fare #2: Can you shut this off?

Cabdriver: Sit tight, honey. It’s almost over.

Recording: ..Hall of Fame glove. So, buckle up. Willie Mayes.. and.. Henry James, would have wanted it that way.

Fare #2: Doesn’t that drive you crazy?

Cabdriver: What choice do I have? I’m driving double-shift on my brother-in-law’s rented medallion. Friggin’ Guiliani!

Fare #2: I’m sorry to hear that.

Cabdriver: The mayor says we have to buy a new cab every five years. He raised medallion rentals! I’ve been drivin’ eighty hours straight just to break even!

Fare #2: Shouldn’t you go home?

Cabdriver: I’ll be fine. [ slowly dozes off ]

Fare #2: Wake up!

Cabdriver: Wha..? What..?

Fare #2: You should get some sleep.

Cabdriver: Guiliani should get some sleep!

Fare #2: That doesn’t make any sense.

Cabdriver: Friggin’ Guiliani!

Fare #2: Actually, I agree with you. Guiliani has placed too much emphasis on safety for the rich instead of programs for the poor.

Cabdriver: Really? Is that what you think? Where are you from?

Fare #2: I moved here a year ago from Chicago.

Cabdriver: [ slams brakes ] Get outta my cab!

Fare #2: Because I’m from Chicago?

Cabdriver: Yeah! Now, get out! And tell Michael Jordan he travels every time he dribbles the ball! [ Fare #2 exits the cab ]

Recording: It’s time to leave.. and.. check your belongings.. and.. I’m reminded of the retirement of..

Cabdriver: [ bangs tape ] Shut up! Shut up! [ honks horn at pedestrian ] Stupid pedestrian! Move it, you bastard! What are you, blind?

Voice of Pedestrian: Yes, I am blind!

Cabdriver: [ stunned ] I’m very sorry. I didn’t know that. [ slows down and picks up Fare #3 ]

Fare #3: 87th and Columbus.

Cabdriver: You got it.

Recording: This is James Earl Jones. Buckle up your seatbelt or.. you.. will.. die! [ Fare #3 quickly buckles up ]

Cabdriver: [ laughing ] That’s the only one that works!

Fare #3: Hey, stop by the Disney Store on the way, man, I wanna get my daughter some Flub-A-Lub.

Cabdriver: That’s fine. I’ll catch a peep show while I wait.

Fare #3: Word is bond?

Cabdriver: Friggin’ Guiliani!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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