SNL Transcripts: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: 11/22/97: Friggin’ Giuliani!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Friggin’ Giuliani!

Irate Cabdriver…..Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
Fare #1…..Will Ferrell
Fare #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Fare #3…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on interior, New York City taxi cab ]

Cabdriver: Where to?

Fare #1: Uh.. 14th and 3rd.

Cabdriver: You got it.

Recording: This is Richard Dreyfuss. Just buckle your seatbelt. Don’t act like some bigshot. Just put it on. Now! [ eerie laughter ]

Fare #1: What the hell was that?

Cabdriver: Celebrities tellin’ people to put their seatbelts on. The Mayor put a tape in every cab. Friggin’ Guiliani! Can you believe what he did to 42nd Street?

Fare #1: Huh? Oh, yeah, it’s great!

Cabdriver: Great? You gotta be kiddin’. I’ll take porn over Disney any day! Friggin’ Guiliani!

Fare #1: Well, he’s just trying to clean up the city.

Cabdriver: Listen, I’ve lived in this city for forty-four years. I was born here, and I can tell ya, three things make New York great: crime, noise and porn!

Fare #1: You know, some people like a clean city.

Cabdriver: Where do you come from?

Fare #1: Boston.

Cabdriver: [ slams brakes ] Get outta my cab!

Fare #1: What?

Cabdriver: You heard me. Go back to Beantown, you hippie! [ Fare #1 exits the cab ]

Recording: This is Richard Dreyfuss again. Don’t forget your belongings, or you’ll be saying goodbye.. girl.. to your wallet. Just do it!

Cabdriver: [ honks horn ] Move it, you piece of garbage limo! [ slows down and picks up Fare #2 ]

Fare #2: 1236 Park Avenue, please.

Cabdriver: Well, la-dee-dah!

Fare #2: Eh-excuse me?

Cabdriver: Nothin’, nothin’, nothin’..

Recording: This is Bob Costas, reminding you to buckle up your seatbelt, to save and protect you. Like a young Willie Mayes reaching over his shoulder..

Fare #2: Can you shut this off?

Cabdriver: Sit tight, honey. It’s almost over.

Recording: ..Hall of Fame glove. So, buckle up. Willie Mayes.. and.. Henry James, would have wanted it that way.

Fare #2: Doesn’t that drive you crazy?

Cabdriver: What choice do I have? I’m driving double-shift on my brother-in-law’s rented medallion. Friggin’ Guiliani!

Fare #2: I’m sorry to hear that.

Cabdriver: The mayor says we have to buy a new cab every five years. He raised medallion rentals! I’ve been drivin’ eighty hours straight just to break even!

Fare #2: Shouldn’t you go home?

Cabdriver: I’ll be fine. [ slowly dozes off ]

Fare #2: Wake up!

Cabdriver: Wha..? What..?

Fare #2: You should get some sleep.

Cabdriver: Guiliani should get some sleep!

Fare #2: That doesn’t make any sense.

Cabdriver: Friggin’ Guiliani!

Fare #2: Actually, I agree with you. Guiliani has placed too much emphasis on safety for the rich instead of programs for the poor.

Cabdriver: Really? Is that what you think? Where are you from?

Fare #2: I moved here a year ago from Chicago.

Cabdriver: [ slams brakes ] Get outta my cab!

Fare #2: Because I’m from Chicago?

Cabdriver: Yeah! Now, get out! And tell Michael Jordan he travels every time he dribbles the ball! [ Fare #2 exits the cab ]

Recording: It’s time to leave.. and.. check your belongings.. and.. I’m reminded of the retirement of..

Cabdriver: [ bangs tape ] Shut up! Shut up! [ honks horn at pedestrian ] Stupid pedestrian! Move it, you bastard! What are you, blind?

Voice of Pedestrian: Yes, I am blind!

Cabdriver: [ stunned ] I’m very sorry. I didn’t know that. [ slows down and picks up Fare #3 ]

Fare #3: 87th and Columbus.

Cabdriver: You got it.

Recording: This is James Earl Jones. Buckle up your seatbelt or.. you.. will.. die! [ Fare #3 quickly buckles up ]

Cabdriver: [ laughing ] That’s the only one that works!

Fare #3: Hey, stop by the Disney Store on the way, man, I wanna get my daughter some Flub-A-Lub.

Cabdriver: That’s fine. I’ll catch a peep show while I wait.

Fare #3: Word is bond?

Cabdriver: Friggin’ Guiliani!

[ fade to black ]

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