Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 7
97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan
Friggin’ Giuliani!
Irate Cabdriver…..Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
Fare #1…..Will Ferrell
Fare #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Fare #3…..Tracy Morgan
[ open on interior, New York City taxi cab ]
Cabdriver: Where to?
Fare #1: Uh.. 14th and 3rd.
Cabdriver: You got it.
Recording: This is Richard Dreyfuss. Just buckle your seatbelt. Don’t act like some bigshot. Just put it on. Now! [ eerie laughter ]
Fare #1: What the hell was that?
Cabdriver: Celebrities tellin’ people to put their seatbelts on. The Mayor put a tape in every cab. Friggin’ Guiliani! Can you believe what he did to 42nd Street?
Fare #1: Huh? Oh, yeah, it’s great!
Cabdriver: Great? You gotta be kiddin’. I’ll take porn over Disney any day! Friggin’ Guiliani!
Fare #1: Well, he’s just trying to clean up the city.
Cabdriver: Listen, I’ve lived in this city for forty-four years. I was born here, and I can tell ya, three things make New York great: crime, noise and porn!
Fare #1: You know, some people like a clean city.
Cabdriver: Where do you come from?
Fare #1: Boston.
Cabdriver: [ slams brakes ] Get outta my cab!
Fare #1: What?
Cabdriver: You heard me. Go back to Beantown, you hippie! [ Fare #1 exits the cab ]
Recording: This is Richard Dreyfuss again. Don’t forget your belongings, or you’ll be saying goodbye.. girl.. to your wallet. Just do it!
Cabdriver: [ honks horn ] Move it, you piece of garbage limo! [ slows down and picks up Fare #2 ]
Fare #2: 1236 Park Avenue, please.
Cabdriver: Well, la-dee-dah!
Fare #2: Eh-excuse me?
Cabdriver: Nothin’, nothin’, nothin’..
Recording: This is Bob Costas, reminding you to buckle up your seatbelt, to save and protect you. Like a young Willie Mayes reaching over his shoulder..
Fare #2: Can you shut this off?
Cabdriver: Sit tight, honey. It’s almost over.
Recording: ..Hall of Fame glove. So, buckle up. Willie Mayes.. and.. Henry James, would have wanted it that way.
Fare #2: Doesn’t that drive you crazy?
Cabdriver: What choice do I have? I’m driving double-shift on my brother-in-law’s rented medallion. Friggin’ Guiliani!
Fare #2: I’m sorry to hear that.
Cabdriver: The mayor says we have to buy a new cab every five years. He raised medallion rentals! I’ve been drivin’ eighty hours straight just to break even!
Fare #2: Shouldn’t you go home?
Cabdriver: I’ll be fine. [ slowly dozes off ]
Fare #2: Wake up!
Cabdriver: Wha..? What..?
Fare #2: You should get some sleep.
Cabdriver: Guiliani should get some sleep!
Fare #2: That doesn’t make any sense.
Cabdriver: Friggin’ Guiliani!
Fare #2: Actually, I agree with you. Guiliani has placed too much emphasis on safety for the rich instead of programs for the poor.
Cabdriver: Really? Is that what you think? Where are you from?
Fare #2: I moved here a year ago from Chicago.
Cabdriver: [ slams brakes ] Get outta my cab!
Fare #2: Because I’m from Chicago?
Cabdriver: Yeah! Now, get out! And tell Michael Jordan he travels every time he dribbles the ball! [ Fare #2 exits the cab ]
Recording: It’s time to leave.. and.. check your belongings.. and.. I’m reminded of the retirement of..
Cabdriver: [ bangs tape ] Shut up! Shut up! [ honks horn at pedestrian ] Stupid pedestrian! Move it, you bastard! What are you, blind?
Voice of Pedestrian: Yes, I am blind!
Cabdriver: [ stunned ] I’m very sorry. I didn’t know that. [ slows down and picks up Fare #3 ]
Fare #3: 87th and Columbus.
Cabdriver: You got it.
Recording: This is James Earl Jones. Buckle up your seatbelt or.. you.. will.. die! [ Fare #3 quickly buckles up ]
Cabdriver: [ laughing ] That’s the only one that works!
Fare #3: Hey, stop by the Disney Store on the way, man, I wanna get my daughter some Flub-A-Lub.
Cabdriver: That’s fine. I’ll catch a peep show while I wait.
Fare #3: Word is bond?
Cabdriver: Friggin’ Guiliani!
[ fade to black ]
