Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 7
St. Monica’s Spelling Bee
Mr. Fry…Mayor Rudolph Giuliani
Sean Patrick Flanery…Will Ferrell
Shelly Peterbuilt…Cheri Oteri
Mary Katherine Gallagher…Molly Shannon
[open on school exterior with engraved lintel: St. Monica’s Catholic High School] [dissolve to interior with Mr Fry. and Sean on a stage with a blue banner behind them: St. Monica’s Intramural Spelling Bee]
Sean: Catastrophe: C-A-T-A-S-T-R-O-P-H-E, catastrophe.
Mr. Fry: That is correct.
Sean: Whoo! Yes! Look out St. Monica, the Spellmaster is in the house! [does the robot] Beep bop boop.
Mr. Fry: Terrific. I love, L-O-V-E, spelling. Okay, we’ve got our three finalists. Sean Patrick Flanery.
Sean: I prefer Spellmaster, Mr. Fry.
Mr. Fry: Okay. We also have Shelly Peterbuilt.[Shelly enters from stage right and approaches microphone]
Shelly: Oh, my God. [steps to the side, away from microphone]
Mr. Fry: And–[Mary Katherine Gallagher comes running in from stage right, and shakes Mr. Fry’s hand]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katerine Gallagher! [stands at the microphone] Mary Katerine Gallagher. Mary Katerine Gallagher. Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Mr. Fry: Yes, Mary, I’ve taught you for eight years.
Mark Katherine Gallagher: I just, I just want to say hello to a young lady who’s sitting in the audience. Her name is Allison Earl, and she’s my new lab partner. And she’s someone who I hope to become friends with in the coming year. Hello. Hello. Hello.
Mr. Fry: Friends are important. Okay. Let’s learn a little bit about our three finalists. Sean, other than spelling, what’s your favorite hobby?
Mr. Fry: Besides spelling.
Sean: Thinking about spelling.
Mr. Fry: Terrific. Okay, Shelly, why do you want to win tonight’s competition?
Shelly: My boyfriend said if I won, he would tongue-kiss me in the alley behind the Pizza Hut. [laughs frenetically]
Mr. Fry: Excellent. And Mary, how did you become interested in spelling?
Mark Katherine Gallagher: My grandmother, she lives in a motorized wheelchair. And sometimes, when I get really carried away, she makes me sit down and play Scrabble with her until my medicine kicks in.
Mr. Fry: Super-duper! Let’s get to the final round. Sean, are you ready for your word?
Sean: [moves to microphone] Yes, yes, bring it on. Spellmaster, woo-hoo.
Mr. Fry: Your word is entrecote.
Sean: Whoah, okay. Entrecote: E-N-T…time out, time out.
Mr. Fry: There’s no time out in a spelling bee.
Sean: Okay. Entrecote: E-N-T…oh, God, I’m gonna be sick. I’m gonna be sick. [runs off stage right]
Mr. Fry: Terrific! We’re down to two finalists. Shelly Peterbuilt, and Mary–
Mark Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Mr. Fry: And Mary Katherine Gallagher. Shelly, please step up to the mike.
Brad: [from offscreen] Go Shelly!
Shelly: Oh, my God, that’s my boyfriend Brad. He gave me this hickey. [points to her neck]
Mr. Fry: Your word is syzygy.
Shelly: Syzygy: S–[Mark Katherine Gallagher sits on a wooden chair that collapses under her, sending her sprawling, and then she stands back up]
Shelly: Syzygy: S-Y-Z…Oh, my God, I forgot the “ygy” part! Brad, don’t leave! Brad! Oh, God! [runs off stage right]
Mr. Fry: Mary Katerine, step up to the mike.[Mark Katherine Gallagher approaches the microphone, with her hands held under her arms]
Mark Katherine Gallagher: What are you doing?
Mark Katherine Gallagher: S…s…s…sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms, and then I smell them like that. [she sniffs her fingers] It’s not ladylike.
Mr. Fry: Thank you for sharing that with us, Mary. Mary, this is your chance to become St. Monica’s spelling champion. Are you ready? Okay, Mary, the word is syzygy.
Mark Katherine Gallagher: [covers her mouth with her hands while whispering the word] Syzygy. Okay. Syzygy. Am I correct in assuming that the word is of Greek origin?
Mr. Fry: You are correct.
Mark Katherine Gallagher: Alternate pronunciation?
Mr. Fry: There is none.
Mark Katherine Gallagher: Can you use the word in a sentence?
Mr. Fry: Sure. Your spelling bee word is syzygy.
Mark Katherine Gallagher: Can I have a glass of water?
Mr. Fry: Sister, [beckons off stage] sister.[a nun brings Mark Katherine Gallagher a glass of water, which she drinks and then returns to the nun]
Mark Katherine Gallagher: Thank you. Thanks, sister. Can you say the word again?
Mr. Fry: Syzygy.
Mark Katherine Gallagher: Can you say the word in slow motion?
Mr. Fry: Syz…er…gy.
Mark Katherine Gallagher: Can you say the word in Pig Latin?
Mr. Fry: Yzygy-say. Mary, are you stalling?
MarNo, I just, I just, I feel, I feel, I feel nervous and scared. And I feel like my feelings of nervousness would best be expressed in a monologue from the 1975 made-for-TV movie “Sara T. – Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic” starring the buxom young child actress turned temptress, Miss Linda Blair. Is that okay? Is that okay? [pulls her hair behind her head] “Mother, I am not drunk, okay! God, do you know me? I mean deep down inside, do you know Sara T.? Because I don’t think that you do. God, you do not know how much pressure it is being a teenager. ‘Go to the dance Sara.’ ‘Organize the yearbook Sara.’ ‘Sell candybars for the band Sara’ It is too damn much, Mama! [pushes over the microphone] But when I call out your name, you’re not there. So I got a new mama now. [lifts her hand as a glass and sips from it] Booze is my mama. [points to the “glass”] And this mama…this mama loves me all the time, see? [drinks again] So I drink, I drink her down”…I drink her…I drink her! I drink her! I drink her I drink her I drink I drink I drink! [launches backwards through the brick wall beneath the banner] [Mr. Fry helps Mark Katherine Gallagher back up and escorts her back to the microphone]
Mark Katherine Gallagher: Syzygy: S…Y…Z…Y…G…Y, syzygy.
Mr. Fry: We have a winner!
Mark Katherine Gallagher: [hugs Mr. Fry and does partial split with her arms lifted up] Spelling bee!
Submitted by: DavidK93