Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 7
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani’s Monologue
…..Mayor Rudolph Giuliani
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Mayor Rudy Giuliani!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much! Hello, everyone. It’s GREAT to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Some people, uh, said this could be a big risk for me. Prosecuting the MOB is risky! After all, tonight, if I’m not good, what are they gonna do — blow up my car?
But it truly has been a fantastic year. As you know, I was recently re-elected to a second term as Mayor of New York City. [ the audience cheers ] Thank you. Thank you. And I’m proud to say that New York is now safer and more liveable than it’s EVER been! [ the audience cheers louder ] People are riding the subways again. And they’re walking in the park. In fact, New York is SO safe, I’d like to take this moment to officially announce that it is, once again, all right to… HITCHHIKE! That’s right! I’m launching a new campaign designed to get people hitching again, in New York![ Hitchhiking graphic appears on bottom left corner of the screen ]
Jingle: “Start Hitchhiking New Yoooork!!”
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Finally, New Yorkers can stick a thumb out and get a ride from a stranger again! Just like they could years ago! Now, let’s talk to am excited hitchhiker I picked up on the way over here! [ a disheveled hitchhiker named Sid steps out and joins Giuliani at Home Base ] This is Sid.
Sid: [ in a lightly disgruntled tone ] Hey.
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Sid, are you excited about the return of hitchhiking to New York?
Sid: Oh yeah… I’ve been waitin’ for this a long time.
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Will you — will you be hitching, or giving a ride?
Sid: Hell, I’ll do both — I can get a car, easy. Listen, anybody out there needs a ride, I’ll take ’em somewhere.
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: If they’re going your way, of course?
Sid: Yeahhhh, I’ll take ’em. I’ll take ’em to the reservoir, or the quarry, or the abandoned soap factory, wherever they want.
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: THAT’S the spirit! Thanks, Sid! [ Sid nods ] Il’l meet you by the car! Thank you!
Sid: Yeah. [ Sid steps away ]
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: So start hitchhiking, New Yorkers and tourists, one and all! Because the Big Apple is safe again! Safe for hitchhiking, and dozens of other activities. Activities, like: [ as the words appear onscreen ]
“Leaving your bike unlocked!”
“Going out with your front door wide open!”
“Dropping your children off in a subway station, in lieu of daycare!”
“Waving to youths on the streets and saying, “Nice colors!”
“Borrowing police hosses — horses!” [ he chuckles at his slip of the tongue, as the audience applauds ]
“And eating anything, no matter where you find it.”[ Giuliani bends over, plucks an object from the bottom of his shoe, and eats the object ]
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Yum! New York-y!
And, speaking of good New York-ies, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Sarah McLachlan is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!