Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 7
Janet Reno’s Dance Party
Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
Teen 1…..Ana Gasteyer
Teen 2…..Molly Shannon
Teen 3…..Jim Bruer
….. Mayor Rudolph Giuliani
Announcer: And now from the home of the attorney general of the United States, it’s time for Janet Reno’s Dance Party!
Janet Reno: [ Music stops ] Hi, I’m Janet Reno. Welcome to Janet Reno’s Dance Party, coming to you live from my basement. Say, I really like dancing to that song. I wanna dance to it again.[ Music: “My Sharona”, The Knack, Janet begins dancing ]
Janet Reno: [ Stops dancing ] OK, that’s enough dancing. [ Music stops ]. Now it’s time for a segment of the show that I like to call “Teen Talk”, where I roll up my sleeves and shoot straight with the kids of today, as we tackle the issues that affect them most.[ Janet and teens sit in bleachers ]
Janet Reno: [ to Teen 1 ] Well, hello, how’s this year’s school year going?
Teen 1: Um, pretty good, I like most of my classes —
Janet Reno: Shut your mouth, you dirty liar! [ to Teen 2 ] Do you belong to any clubs?
Teen 2: Yeah, um, I’m president of the Latin club.
Janet Reno: You’re such a liar. [ to Teen 3 ] Do you play any sports?
Teen 3: I run cross country.
Janet Reno: OK, I’m sick of all your lies. Now, I want you to shut up if you can, and listen to what my next guest has to say. He was named associate attorney general in 1981, but now he’s just the mayor of New York, so uuh. Please welcome super-hunk Rudolph Giuliani.[ Rudolph Giuliani comes down the stairs, walks over, and sits next to Janet ]
Rudolph Giuliani: Thank you, Janet. Hi kids!
Teens: Hi Mr. Giuliani!
Janet Reno: Shut it! Everyone shut up! So, how does it feel to be interviewed by the attorney general of the United States – the job you only dreamed about having. It must feel like crap.
Rudolph Giuliani: Well, Janet, I haven’t done that bad for myself. You know, I may not be in charge of the Justice Department, but I am the mayor of New York.
Janet Reno: My throwing stars and numchucks will make you the mayor of pain.
Rudolph Giuliani: What was that?
Janet Reno: Nothing. So, getting back to how jealous you are of me.
Rudolph Giuliani: I – I don’t know how you got that impression; I don’t want your job. I’d rather be in New York than in Washington. I’m not jealous of you, Janet.
Janet Reno: Then why don’t you prove that in the ring? Huh? How ’bout it, kids? Would you like to see us box? [ Puts on boxing gloves, steps down to the dance floor ]
Janet Reno: Ah, the sweet science! Boxing!
Rudolph Giuliani: Janet, this is ridiculous! I’m not gonna – I’m not gonna box with you!
Teens: Come on! Do it!
Rudolph Giuliani: I’m not gonna put these gloves on! [ Teens help him put boxing gloves on, he steps down to dance floor ]
Janet Reno: That ain’t regulation, chump! Alright, tough guy, if I win, you’ve gotta tell everybody that I’m the boss of you. How does that sound, you big baby?
Rudolph Giuliani: Janet, I wouldn’t hit anybody, let alone a middle-aged woman.
Janet Reno: [ Holds hand up to her ear ] What’s that, fist? He talks too much? Then I think it’s time for operation shutty uppy. [ Gets ready to fight ]
Rudolph Giuliani: [ Trying to hold Janet back ] Come on, Janet, stop this nonsense![Janet Reno punches Rudolph Giuliani in the gut ]
Rudolph Giuliani: Alright, there’s nothing that says a mayor can’t defend himself. Janet Reno, prepare to eat it, Giuliani-style![ Janet Reno and Rudolph Giuliani box. Janet Reno knees Rudolph Giuliani in the groin ]
Rudolph Giuliani: Oh! You box dirty!
Janet Reno: Then how comes my conscience is so clean??
Rudolph Giuliani: Alright, Janet, you win!
Janet Reno: Then, say it!
Rudolph Giuliani: Janet Reno is the boss of me.
Janet Reno: [ punches Rudolph Giuliani in the gut ] Again!
Rudolph Giuliani: Janet Reno is the boss of me!
Janet Reno: [ Punches Rudolph Giuliani in the gut ] Again!
Rudolph Giuliani: Thank God not that many people watch your show.
Janet Reno: Oh, guess again, punk! [ Punches Rudolph Giuliani in the gut ] Again!
Rudolph Giuliani Janet Reno is the boss of me —[ Camera zooms out to reveal big screen in Times Square playing the show ] [ Fade out ]
Submitted by: Rasberry0723