SNL Transcripts: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: 11/22/97: Rita’s Thanksgiving


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Rita’s Thanksgiving

Rita…..Cheri Oteri
Rita’s Mom…..Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
Mike the Cop…..Colin Quinn

[ open on Rita Delvecchio’s Kitchen – Rita preparing Thanksgiving dinner as the phone rings ]

Rita: [ answers phone ] Happy Thanksgiving! Hi, Bella! Oh, yeah, you kidding? I got a full house going! Ah, some are watching the game, some are planning their next crime – don’t listen, Bella!

Nephew: [ runs into the kitchen ] Uncle Joe would like a beer!

Rita: In the fridge, baby, in the fridge.. [ into the phone ] How’s yuor turkey, how many pounds did you get? Yeah? How long did it.. [ hears her nephew open the beer and sip it ] Okay, that’s it! [ chases him out of the kitchen ] No more kids getting beers for adults! Okay!! Any kid who can’t walk a straight line by dinner gets my foot for dessert! [ back to the phone ] Ahh.. no, my mother’s down in the basement, I don’t know what the hell she’s doing down there. Hey! Listen, what’s the update on Frank Sinatra’s help? Let me hear. [ lights candle in front of Sinatra shrine above her microwave ] You’re kidding! Hold on, one second.. [ yells into the living room ] Everybody! Frank sat up! [ the family cheers, Rita returns to the phone ] Alright, baby, I gotta go. Talk to you later.Bye bye! [ Rita’s Mom pops out of the basement carrying a crate of sodas ] Ma! What the hell are you doing down there, don’t carry that yourself! What, are you crazy?

Rita’s Mom: The kids need more pop!

Rita: The kids are smashed, Ma!

Rita’s Mom: No, they’re not. They’re just happy.

Rita: Just sit down, Ma.

Rita’s Mom: [ flops into a chair ] Alright, alright, I’ll finishstuffing the shells. When was the last time you basted the turkey?

Rita: Three minutes ago, Ma!

Rita’s Mom: Rita, where did you the ricotta cheese to stuff these shells?

Rita: I don’t know.. Tony’s.

Rita’s Mom: How could you support Tony’s store?!

Rita: I know, I know.. when he spends all his money buying high-class jewelry for his girlfriends..

Rita’s Mom: His poor wife’s walking around in a rabbit fur poncho.

Rita: It don’t affect the cheese, Ma!

Rita’s Mom: It does if you cook it with love, like I taught ya.

Rita: There’s love in there. Keep beating. Keep beating.

Niece: [ runs into the kitchen ] Aunt Rita, we’re starving!

Rita: [ pushes her niece out of the kitchen ] Yeah? So are Sally Struthers’ kids! Now, go upstairs! Finish watching “The Sound of Music” upstairs! And stay away from Grandma’s moustache cream – it’s poison!

Rita’s Mom: It won’t hurt e’m! Let ’em have fun. [ notices Rita’s stirring in the pot ] Martha Stewart says not to stir while you simmer.

Rita: Martha Stewart. If I hear Martha Stewart tell me how to cook one more time, I’m gonna shove a cornish game hen down that WASPy bitch’s throat!

Rita’s Mom: She’s bad! I hear she doesn’t pay her bills – and she’s single. There’s a surprise.

[ a knock is heard at the kitchen door – Mike the Cop enters ]

Mike the Cop: Hi, Rita! Hi, Mrs. Sylvestri. Happy Thanksgiving. [ kisses Rita’s Mom on the cheek ]

Rita: Happy Thanksgiving, Mike! Ma, you know Mike the Cop?

Rita’s Mom: Sure, sure. Did ya eat?

Mike the Cop: Not yet. My wife forgot to thaw out the turkey, so we won’t be eating ’til after the Rose Bowl.

Rita: [ explaining to her curious Ma ] She’s Irish.

Rita’s Mom: Oh-h-h..

Mike the Cop: Rita, I hate to bug you about this, but you gotta get rid of some of those Thanksgiving decorations off your lawn, or I’m gonna have to give you a citation.

Rita’s Mom: Who called? Who called to complain?

Rita: I know who it was, Ma – my neighbor, Therese de Castiglione! The one with the see-through housecoat. Yeah, you oughtta give her latest hairdo a citation, that ugly pain in the ass!

Mike the Cop: Come on, Rita! You know it’s not me!

Rita’s Mom: She knows. Don’t worry, baby. Grab a piece of pepperoni and go in the living room with the guys!

Mike the Cop: Thanks. [ grabs a piece of pepperoni and retreats to the living room ] Sorry, Rita..

Rita: That’s okay.

[ the sound of something hitting the house is heard ]

Rita’s Mom: What the hell was that??!

Rita: What now?! What now?! [ runs onto her porch to inspect ]Sheesh! It’s the head of my Miles Standish! [ yells at the distant kids ] You mothers have no respect your forefathers, you know that! Guess what? I keep it! It’s mine! Wait a second.. it is mine.. Oh, yeah? Keep running, ’cause the next time I’ll kick you in your Plymouth Rocks!

Rita’s Mom: You heard her, you pill-poppers! Spoon-cookin’ bastards!! [ Rita’s Mom’s Mayflower is tossed onto the porch ] They broke my Mayflower!

Rita: Go get ’em, Ma! Show ’em what you’re made of! [ Rita’s Mom runs outside to take care of the delinquent kids ]

Rita’s Mom: [ hobbles back ] Great! I threw my shoe! Now I’m out a wedgie!

Rita: Come on, Ma, it’s Thanksgiving. It’s a day to think aboutwhat ya got.

Rita’s Mom: You’re right, Rita.. And I’m gonna have a dry turkey on my hands if you don’t baste it, for crying out loud!

Rita: Ma! If I baste it anymore, I’ll be committing a sin.

Rita’s Mom: Why?

Rita: ‘Cause I’ll be a Master-Baster! Ma!

Rita’s Mom: Oh, Rita, you’re bad!

Rita: Aw, Ma, you set me up, you bitch! I mean.. Ma! Ma!

[ they kiss and return to preparing the Thanksgiving feast ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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