Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 7
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Cinder Calhoun…..Ana Gasteyer
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald![ Cheers and applause as we dissolve to NormMacDonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thanks, I’m Norm Macdonald. Nowthe fake news. Our top story tonight:
This week, the Clinton White House angrily deniedcharges that burial plots in Arlington NationalCemetery were being handed out as political favors. Although, Presidential Spokesman Mike McCurry didacknowledge that it is not easy to explain the Tomb ofthe Unknown Asian Contributor. …
This week, an angry President Clinton demanded thatCongress stop dragging its feet on something he haslong championed — a Medical Bill of Rights for U.S.citizens. In all, there are ten items in thePresident’s Bill of Rights, running from Number One: Arich satisfying sex life is the foundation of goodhealth” … to Number Ten: “A straight penis is not aprivilege — it is a right!” …
Toymaker Mattel has decided to give its Barbie doll anew and less curvaceous body. This in response tocriticism that Barbie’s current measurements, if shewere six feet tall, would read an unrealistic38-18-34. Feminists are applauding the move but,personally, I think that instead of all this pettytinkering with measurements, they should just make hersix feet tall. … [ applause ]
Speaking of toys, this year’s survey of the ten mostdangerous toys has been released. Topping the listthis year: Tyco’s new Throat Clogger Upper.…
The FDA is considering approval of a new highlyeffective treatment for baldness. The drug, Propecia,has been shown in trials to grow thick, luxurianthair. Although, there is a downside. It only workson ears, noses and backs. …
In next week’s Life magazine, pop star MichaelJackson appears in a pictorial with his infant son. The photos show Jackson changing, feeding and cradlingthe baby boy, in what Jackson himself promises will beLife magazine’s sexiest issue ever….
First Lady Hillary Clinton has been out of the countrythis week, visiting the remote region of Siberia. Said the President, quote, “When the cat’s away, themice– Ah, who am I kiddin’? The mouse screws plentyof women even when the cat’s right here.” … [applause ]
Has the lure of the almighty dollar finally made usforget the true meaning of Christmas? Well, in myopinion, the answer is yes — when you considerthat it’s not even Thanksgiving but the Christmasissue of Black Tail magazine is alreadyon newsstands. [ Cover of magazine with half-nakedwomen wearing Santa Claus hats ] … Shame on you,people at Black Tail magazine….
Wednesday on CBS’ “This Morning” program,correspondent Eleanor Mondale went toy shopping withKato Kaelin. According to producers, it was part of anew segment on the show called “Let’s Punish theAudience.” …
Well, now there is finally a matchmaking service fordogs. At “Happy Animals,” matchmakers guarantee tofind your dog a perfect mate based on height, weight,age and breed. So far, the dog dating service has hada one hundred percent success rate because, accordingto its founders, any dog will have sex withany other dog. …
An extremely rare albino lobster found recently inMaine will not end up on a dinner table but willinstead live out its days in a private aquarium. Thelobster’s already been flown from Casco Bay to Texas– where it will be lovingly cared for by rock legendJohnny Winter. [ Photo of the long-haired albinoguitarist ] …
I’d like now to make a correction to a story that wereported earlier tonight. It seems that the Christmasissue of Black Tail is not yet availableon newsstands. I’m sorry. So far, it’s only gone outto those of us who subscribe. … Our apologiesto the editors of Black Tail and — keepup the good work, boys! …
On Wednesday, NASA launched the space shuttle Columbiaon its eighty-seventh voyage. This trip by the shuttlewill feature the first space walk ever by a Japaneseastronaut who will get to take in the uniqueperspective of Earth from space. Gee, I wonder ifthere’s any chance he’ll, uh, take a picture.…
Norm Macdonald: Well, tonight’s musical guest,Sarah McLachlan, organized last week’s– lastsummer’s, rather, Lilith Festival, the largestcollection of female singers ever to tour together.Their opening act was stand-up comic Cinder Calhoun.Please welcome groundbreaking female artists SarahMcLachlan and Cinder Calhoun. [ cheers and applause ]
Cinder Calhoun: Thanks, Norm. Um, as Sarahknows, I’m still not really comfortable with the termstand-up comic. I, um, I really consider myself moreof a weaver of satiric truths in the, uh, tradition ofthe great Appalachian humorists, so, uh…yeah.
Norm Macdonald: Well, Sarah, how did youdiscover, uh, Cinder, here?
Sarah McLachlan: Actually, it’s a pretty funnystory.
Cinder Calhoun: Yeah, we were, um, we werehanging out one night backstage with Alanis Morissetteat the, uh, Follow Your Bliss Tibetan freedom concertsand everyone was in kind of a real like giddyslaphappy mood ’cause I was on a roll telling somepretty righteously funny [ exaggerated Spanish accent] Guatemalan animal riddles … um, that I, uh,I had heard from a [ exaggerated accent ]Latina friend. … And, uh, Alanis was liketotally stumped by the one about the trickster owl andthe hungry bird and she goes “I don’t get it” and Ilooked at Sarah and I just go “Alanis, [ singing ]you you you oughta know.”
Sarah McLachlan: And I laughed so hard the babaganoush I was eating came out of my nose.
Cinder Calhoun: It was unbelievable. It wasunreal.
Norm Macdonald: So I guess that’s the point yourealized you were hittin’ somethin’ big here?
Sarah McLachlan: Oh, yeah. I got her for thetour right away.
Norm Macdonald: So you guys gonna do some ofyour comedy for us tonight?
Cinder Calhoun: Um, actually, Norm, Sarah and Ifeel that we’d be really remiss if we didn’t use thisplatform to address an issue tonight. Um, we were at aMaya Angelou poetry reading, um, last night with FionaApple. … She is so wise. Um. …Yeah.
Sarah McLachlan: Well, we were discussing theritual torture and senseless slaughters of turkeys inthe name of the gluttonous, nationalistic,patriarchal holiday that we call Thanksgiving.
Cinder Calhoun: [ increasingly emotional ]Right, and the sickest thing that Fiona told us is,apparently, that one company has a 1-800 number thatgives out cooking tips and recipes encouraging themutilation and consumption of these beautifulbirds! [ gasps ]
Sarah McLachlan: [ comforting Cinder ] Willyou be okay?
Cinder Calhoun: Yeah. So um, we wrote a songabout it, um, for all the turkeys out there whocelebrate Thanksgiving. [ Sarah and Cinder are handedacoustic guitars ] It’s called “Basted in Blood.” …
Cinder & Sarah: [ playing guitars, singing ]“We gather together for yams, beans, and cranberrysauce.
But have you given much thought lately to the TurkeyHolocaust?
Twenty million noble birds slaughtered every fall.
Ain’t no difference between Hitler, Stalin — and thefolks at Butterball!
[ Briefly cut wide to reveal Norm glancing aroundskeptically. ]
Cinder & Sarah: [ playing guitars, singing ]So set your tables, America, from Birmingham toBranson.
But when you carve that turkey you’re a finger-lickingCharlie Manson.
Enjoy your pumpkin pie, your buttery Idaho spud.
Grandma’s chestnut stuffing, and a turkey basted inblood…
Basted in blood! Basted in blood!
Basted in blood! Basted in blood!
Basted in blood! Basted in blood!
Basted in blood! Basted in blood!”
Norm MacDonald: [ about to chew on a turkeyleg ] Cinder Calhoun and Sarah MacLachlan — [ putsaway the turkey leg ] — everybody! Thanks. Thanks,Cinder Calhoun and Sarah MacLachlan. … [ to thecrowd ] I wonder if Cinder is related to HaystackCalhoun? … Okay, folks. That’s it! Goodnight![ Pull back and dissolve to WU graphic. Music. Cheersand applause. Fade. ]