SNL Transcripts: Nathan Lane: 12/06/97: Chess For Girls

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Chess For Girls

Mom…..Molly Shannon
Dad…..Will Ferrell

[ open on a boy and a girl playing a game of Chess, as their parents sit and read in the background ]

Girl: [ moves her piece ] Okay.

Boy: That’s your move? [ moves his You’re captured, sucker!

Girl: This is stupid! [ she knocks all the pieces off the board ] Chess is a boy’s game!

Announcer: Not anymore!

[ game board spins into view ]

Jingle: “Now there’s Chess For Girls!”

[ the Chess game pieces are shown individually, dressed in pink clothing ]

“Just like Dad’s, but with beautiful clothesNot too hard, just pretty and fun.”

[ three girls sit behind their posed and clothed Chess pieces ]

Girls: Pretty!!

[ various shots of the Chess pieces “in play” ]

“Here comes the Queen, in her long white gown
You can even braid her beautiful hair.”

Girl: I like Chess!

Jingle: “Real Chess pieces, with a special surprise.”

Girl: [ combing her knight piece’s mane ] She smells like strawberries!

[ show an interior scene of the Chess dollhouse, as a Tasty-Bake oven is pushed into the kitchen area ]

Announcer: Chess! It’s a classic game of strategy and wits —

Girl: [ blowing bubbles ] And bubbles!

[ a Chess van pulls into the scene ]

Girls: It’s Chess with a van!

[ show Bishop piece wearing a white dress, which is tugged loose to reveal a swimsuit underneath ]

Announcer: And Malibu Mystery Bishop is ready for a day at the beach, or a night of dancing!

Jingle: “Night of dancing!”

Girl: Let’s go shopping! [ bounces her Queen piece around the floor ]

Announcer: Now you’re playing Chess!

Boy: Hey! The Queen can’t move like that!

Girl: Shh! You’ll wake the baby. [ holds miniature bottle over the baby basket ]

Girl: Checkmate!

[ Mom and Dad peek into the room ]

Mom: Hey, what are you kids doing up here?

[ the three girls sit on the floor, surrounded by doll pieces, dresses, the van, and bubbles floating everywhere ]

Girls: We’re playing Chess!

[ Mom and Dad smile at each other ] [ show product ]

Announcer: Tasty-bake Chess oven sold seperately. Some assembly required. Chess.

Jingle: “Chess For Girls!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Notify of