Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 8
Chess For Girls
Mom…..Molly Shannon
Dad…..Will Ferrell
[ open on a boy and a girl playing a game of Chess, as their parents sit and read in the background ]
Girl: [ moves her piece ] Okay.
Boy: That’s your move? [ moves his You’re captured, sucker!
Girl: This is stupid! [ she knocks all the pieces off the board ] Chess is a boy’s game!
Announcer: Not anymore!
[ game board spins into view ]
Jingle: “Now there’s Chess For Girls!”
[ the Chess game pieces are shown individually, dressed in pink clothing ]
Jingle:
“Just like Dad’s, but with beautiful clothesNot too hard, just pretty and fun.”
[ three girls sit behind their posed and clothed Chess pieces ]
Girls: Pretty!!
[ various shots of the Chess pieces “in play” ]
Jingle:
“Here comes the Queen, in her long white gown
You can even braid her beautiful hair.”
Girl: I like Chess!
Jingle: “Real Chess pieces, with a special surprise.”
Girl: [ combing her knight piece’s mane ] She smells like strawberries!
[ show an interior scene of the Chess dollhouse, as a Tasty-Bake oven is pushed into the kitchen area ]
Announcer: Chess! It’s a classic game of strategy and wits —
Girl: [ blowing bubbles ] And bubbles!
[ a Chess van pulls into the scene ]
Girls: It’s Chess with a van!
[ show Bishop piece wearing a white dress, which is tugged loose to reveal a swimsuit underneath ]
Announcer: And Malibu Mystery Bishop is ready for a day at the beach, or a night of dancing!
Jingle: “Night of dancing!”
Girl: Let’s go shopping! [ bounces her Queen piece around the floor ]
Announcer: Now you’re playing Chess!
Boy: Hey! The Queen can’t move like that!
Girl: Shh! You’ll wake the baby. [ holds miniature bottle over the baby basket ]
Girl: Checkmate!
[ Mom and Dad peek into the room ]
Mom: Hey, what are you kids doing up here?
[ the three girls sit on the floor, surrounded by doll pieces, dresses, the van, and bubbles floating everywhere ]
Girls: We’re playing Chess!
[ Mom and Dad smile at each other ]
[ show product ]
Announcer: Tasty-bake Chess oven sold seperately. Some assembly required. Chess.
Jingle: “Chess For Girls!”
[ fade ]
