SNL Transcripts: Nathan Lane: 12/06/97: Chess For Girls


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Chess For Girls

Mom…..Molly Shannon
Dad…..Will Ferrell

[ open on a boy and a girl playing a game of Chess, as their parents sit and read in the background ]

Girl: [ moves her piece ] Okay.

Boy: That’s your move? [ moves his You’re captured, sucker!

Girl: This is stupid! [ she knocks all the pieces off the board ] Chess is a boy’s game!

Announcer: Not anymore!

[ game board spins into view ]

Jingle: “Now there’s Chess For Girls!”

[ the Chess game pieces are shown individually, dressed in pink clothing ]

“Just like Dad’s, but with beautiful clothesNot too hard, just pretty and fun.”

[ three girls sit behind their posed and clothed Chess pieces ]

Girls: Pretty!!

[ various shots of the Chess pieces “in play” ]

“Here comes the Queen, in her long white gown
You can even braid her beautiful hair.”

Girl: I like Chess!

Jingle: “Real Chess pieces, with a special surprise.”

Girl: [ combing her knight piece’s mane ] She smells like strawberries!

[ show an interior scene of the Chess dollhouse, as a Tasty-Bake oven is pushed into the kitchen area ]

Announcer: Chess! It’s a classic game of strategy and wits —

Girl: [ blowing bubbles ] And bubbles!

[ a Chess van pulls into the scene ]

Girls: It’s Chess with a van!

[ show Bishop piece wearing a white dress, which is tugged loose to reveal a swimsuit underneath ]

Announcer: And Malibu Mystery Bishop is ready for a day at the beach, or a night of dancing!

Jingle: “Night of dancing!”

Girl: Let’s go shopping! [ bounces her Queen piece around the floor ]

Announcer: Now you’re playing Chess!

Boy: Hey! The Queen can’t move like that!

Girl: Shh! You’ll wake the baby. [ holds miniature bottle over the baby basket ]

Girl: Checkmate!

[ Mom and Dad peek into the room ]

Mom: Hey, what are you kids doing up here?

[ the three girls sit on the floor, surrounded by doll pieces, dresses, the van, and bubbles floating everywhere ]

Girls: We’re playing Chess!

[ Mom and Dad smile at each other ] [ show product ]

Announcer: Tasty-bake Chess oven sold seperately. Some assembly required. Chess.

Jingle: “Chess For Girls!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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