Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 8
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Officer Lou Costello…..Nathan Lane
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald![ Cheers and applause as we dissolve to NormMacDonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you, that isvery kind of you. Thanks, I’m Norm MacDonald, now thefake news. Our top story tonight:
This week, Attorney General Janet Reno announced shewill not name an independent counsel to investigatecampaign fundraising by the president. At a pressconference, she said, quote, “The decision was mine. It was based on the facts, on the law, not pressure,not politics, not any other factor.” She was then ledaway at gunpoint by the First Lady and nine Chineseguys.
Meanwhile, President Clinton was in Akron, Ohio thisweek presiding at a town meeting about race relationsin America. The President chose Akron as the site ofthe meeting partly because it is the home of theComing Together Project, an organized effort to endracism, and partly because it is the home of SusanRosenberg, an old classmate from Oxford the Presidentstill has sex with. [ Photo of unattractive woman.]
The trial of Unabomber suspect Ted Kacynzski,underway. His lawyers are making arrangements now tomove their client’s 10 by 12-foot shack into thecourtroom. After the trial, the cabin will becarefully repacked and moved to Hollywood where itwill serve as home to actor Mickey Rourke.
Well, a sad story from Britain this week. According tothe Earl of Spencer, several intruders have recentlybroken into his family estate in search of souvenirsfrom Princess Diana’s grave. But the Earl says heknows just how to protect the site. Landmines![ applause ]
This week in the former Soviet Union, an Americanengineer for a San Diego-based company was arrestedand charged with spying for the United States. Russianauthorities say he was caught attempting to smuggleout their secret formula for alcoholism anddespair.
A new study has found that Americans are in the bestof health, and the worst of health, with lifespansthat can differ by as much as forty years from oneU.S. locality to another. The longest lifespans arefound in Sterns County, Minnesota, while the shortestlifespans are found in Drunkdriverville, New Jersey. [Photo of sign that reads “Welcome To Drunkdrivingvillepop. 33,000” ]
In January, production will begin on the seventhseason of MTV’s “The Real World.” The seven youngpeople appearing in the series will representdifferent backgrounds, ages, religions and sexualorientations. However, this year, they will share onetrait in common — I will hate them. [ applause]
In Maryland, Bell Atlantic plans to offer a servicethat would allow customers to learn the address of anylisted telephone number in the state. Critics say theservice would be an invasion of privacy, whileproponents of the plan say it will help them invadepeople’s privacy.
On “Tom Snyder” this week, actor Tony Danza said hethought the recent open display of affection bylesbian couple Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche in frontof President Clinton was “extremely disrespectful.” On hearing the comment, President Clinton responded,”Someone should tell Tony Danza to shut the hell up!”[applause]
Playing in a music store in New York this week, KennyG set a world record by holding a saxophone note forforty-five minutes. While he did warn spectators thatit would be quite boring, it should be noted, that itis every bit as boring to hear Kenny G playdifferent saxophone notes – for forty-fiveminutes.
Norm MacDonald: Well, earlier this week, folks,police made a gruesome discovery in the closet of aBronx apartment — the body of an elderly woman. Thewoman had been dead for some time, and her corpse had,in fact, been mummified. Here with more on this case,is the policeman who discovered the body, Officer LouCostello. [ applause for a nervous, chubby uniformedpoliceman with his cap askew ] Now, Officer Costello,why don’t you tell the folks here whathappened?
Officer Lou Costello: Well… [ starts to pant,wheeze and gasp ]
Norm MacDonald: Okay, now listen! Now listen!Pull – pull – pull yourself together! These – thesepeople don’t want to hear that nonsense! They– [cheers and applause ] This is ridiculous. Completelyridiculous! These people have no reason to hear this. They want to hear about the mummified corpse.
Officer Lou Costello: [ pants and gasps further]
Norm MacDonald: Now, don’t be ridiculous! Now,listen, listen, let me put it this way.. you’re anofficer of the law, aren’t you?
Officer Lou Costello: Of course.
Norm MacDonald: And, you must have written areport, a police report.
Officer Lou Costello: Why, certainly..
Norm MacDonald: Well, then why don’t you tellthe people what you wrote in the policereport?
Officer Lou Costello: Well, my partner Chickand I went into the apartment, and I smelledsomething. I – I smelled it and it was comin’ from thebedroom. So, I went in there, and I opened thecloset, and inside there was a.. [ pants, wheezes,gasps ] ..a muh-muh-muh.. a mummy!
Norm MacDonald: What are you talking about? Your mother was in the closet? What was she doingthere?
Officer Lou Costello: Not my mummy. Amuh-muh-muh… [ pants and wheezes ]
Norm MacDonald: All right, come on now! [ slapshim hard in the face ] Pull yourself together! You’rean officer of the law, for God’s sake! What are yougetting so excited for?
Officer Lou Costello: I’m a-scared!
Norm MacDonald: Ahhh… well, this isridiculous! All right, forget this! We’re gettingnowhere.
Officer Lou Costello: [ ad-libs ] You’retelling me.
Norm MacDonald: Let me ask you this. [ someapplause for the ad-lib; Norm, highly amused, mustpause to gather himself ]
Officer Lou Costello: [ ad-libs ] You know -you know, that’s why Bud and I broke up, he hit himtoo hard.
Norm MacDonald: [ laughs ] Now, let me ask youthis, now, finally, Officer Costello.
Officer Lou Costello: Yes?
Norm MacDonald: Now, the 70th Precinct, that’syour precinct, the precinct you work in – it hasrecently been accused of brutalizing suspects, andthen maintaining a police code of silence. Now, now,let me ask you this, Officer Costello: were youinvolved in this?
Officer Lou Costello: I’m a badboy!
Norm MacDonald: Oh, Lord. Officer LouCostello, everyone. That’s ridiculous! [ to Lou ]That’s ridiculous! [ Officer Lou starts beating Normwith his police cap as Norm breaks character] Andthat’s the news, folks! [ Norm cracks up and recoilsas Lou beats him ] What are you doing?!? [ Applause. Music. Title card. Fade. ]