Ted Brogan…..Will Ferrell
Mom: ..”And Santa told Teddy the Turtle, ‘Even turtles get presents for Christmas.'”
Danny: That’s a great story, Mom!
Mom: Goodnight, honey. Tomorrow’s Christmas! It’s going to be a big day.
Danny: I don’t care if I get any presents. I just wanna be a pro baseball player when I grow up!
Mom: You can do anything you want, Danny. Just follow your dreams. But in the meantime, get some sleep. [ exits Danny’s room ]
Danny: [ curls up in bed ] I’m gonna be a baseball player! [ a light appears in his closet ] Wha.. who’s there?
Todd Hunley: [ steps from out of the closet ] Hello, Danny.
Danny: [ excited ] Wow! Todd Hunley, from the New York Mets!
Todd Hunley: That’s right. I’m just here to tell you you should follow your dreams. You can do it! You can be a pro ballplayer!
Danny: [ excited ] I can?
Todd Hunley: Sure you can. You can do anything you set your mind to. Just ask Scott Rolan, National League Rookie of the Year.
Danny: Wow! Scott Rolan!
Scott Rolan: Hey, Andy!
Danny: It’s not Andy. It’s Danny.
Scott Rolan: Whatever, kid. Hey! You can fulfill your dream. This is North America!
Todd Hunley: We usually just say America.[ Mark Wohlers steps out of the closet ]
Mark Wohlers: That’s right, kid.
Danny: [ excited ] Mark Wohlers!
Mark Wohlers: You can do anything you wanna do. This ain’t Russia, sport!
Danny: [ confused ] But Russia’s a democracy now..
Mark Wohlers: Quit being a fag. You get the point.
Danny: Mark Wohlers called me a fag.. [ sniffs ]
Todd Hunley: Be cool, kid. Don’t cry.
Mom: [ from the hall ] Is everything okay, honey?
Todd Hunley: [ grabs Danny’s arm ] Tell your Mom that everything’s okay!
Scott Rolan: It’s too late! Hide! [ crouches behind the door, as the other two ballplayers crouch behind the bed ]
Mom: [ enters room ] Honey? Is everything okay?
Danny: [ scared ] I’m fine, Mom..
Mom: It smells like chew in here.
Danny: I don’t smell anything..
Mom: Alright. Get some sleep. [ exits ]
Mark Wohlers: [ stands up ] Hey.. your Mom’s hot!
Danny: Hey! What did you say?
Mark Wohlers: I said you can succeed at whatever you want.
Danny: No, you didn’t!
Mark Wohlers: Yeah, it’s true! Just ask Marty Cordova of the Minnesota Twins, and Jeff Fassero of the Seattle Mariners.[ Marty Cordova and Jeff Fessero step out of the closet ]
Marty Cordova: Hey.. Benjamin..
Jeff Fassero: No. I think it’s Danny.
Danny: Yeah, it’s Danny!
Jeff Fassero: Mind if we smoke? [ smokes ]
Danny: Kind of.. [ coughs ] Listen, I want you guys to leave!
Jeff Fassero: You might want us to leave, but do you want Greg Jeffries of the Philadelphia Phillies, Mark Grudzielanek and Rondell White of the Montreal Expos to go?[ Greg Jeffries, Mark Grudzielanek, and Rondell White step out of the closet ]
Danny: Yeah, I think I do!
Greg Jeffries: Listen, kid. You can be anything you wanna be. Just set your mind to it.
Rondell White: Yeah, kid. Go for your dreams.
Danny: A bunch of guys have said that already. It’s pretty much meaningless now!
Greg Jeffries: Well, sor-ry, you little punk!
Mark Wohlers: [ pulls propeller off of toy model airplane ] Hey, kid! I think I broke this!
Danny: [ angry ] Hey, come on! Imade that![ Todd Zeile, Russ Davis, and Cliff Floyd step out of the closet ]
Todd Zeile: Hi. I’m Todd Zeile. This is Russ Davis and Cliff Floyd. We’re professional ballplayers, too.
Cliff Floyd: Where’s the food? You got any food?
Danny: No! Get out![ ballplayers start to party in Danny’s room ]
Mark Wohlers: [ picks up radio ] Hey, man! Does this radio work?
Danny: [ annoyed ] Yes! I don’t even know who you guys are! Where’s Ken Griffey, Jr.
Todd Hunley: Ah, don’t worry about it. He’s gonna stop by later. We dropped him off at a strip joint down the street.
[ ballplayers cheer, as David Howard and Mike Sweeney step out of the closet with a keg ]
David Howard: Where’s the party!
Danny: David Howard and Mike Sweeney! Go away! Guys, you’re gonna wake up my Mom![ more ballplayers step out of the closet, including Ted Brogan and his dog ]
Ted Brogan: Hey, where are the girls?
Danny: Who’s that guy? Hey, he’s not even weating a uniform!
Ted Brogan: I’m Ted Brogan. I played a little minor league ball in the 80’s. I was supposed to play in Japan, but I failed a drug test. so.. This is my master, Hannibal. [ dog barks ]
Danny: Your dog scares me.
Mom: [ reenters room, turns off radio ] Honey.. what is going on in here? Who are these men?
Ted Brogan: I’m Ted Brogan. I got rollin’ papers, if you got weed!
Mom: What are you doing in my son’s room!
Mark Grudzielanek: [ puts his arm around Mom ] Hi, sweetheart. I’m Mark Grudzielanek.
Mom: I don’t care! Put that cigarette out, shut that dog up, and everybody get out!
Todd Hunley: Hey, look, lady, we’re just trying to help your kid!
Voice Outside Window: I’m naked! Whoo-hoo!
Greg Jeffries: [ looks out window ] It’s Griffey! He’s naked in the yard again![ police sirens can be heard ]
Todd Hunley: Come on! Lety’s go! It’s the cops![ ballplayers scatter out of the room ]
Ted Brogan: [ hands gun to Danny ] Can you hide this for me? Thanks. [ runs out of room ] [ Danny cries, as Mom comes to his side ]
Mom: It’s okay, honey.. they’re all gone now.
Danny: That was horrible!
Mom: Do you still wanna be a baseball player?
Danny: [ throws baseball glove to the floor ] No! I don’t wanna be a baseball player! [ pause ] I wanna be a basketball player!