Baseball Dreams

Baseball Dreams

Mom…..Helen Hunt
Danny…..Chris Kattan
Ted Brogan…..Will Ferrell

Mom: ..”And Santa told Teddy the Turtle, ‘Even turtles get presents for Christmas.'”

Danny: That’s a great story, Mom!

Mom: Goodnight, honey. Tomorrow’s Christmas! It’s going to be a big day.

Danny: I don’t care if I get any presents. I just wanna be a pro baseball player when I grow up!

Mom: You can do anything you want, Danny. Just follow your dreams. But in the meantime, get some sleep. [ exits Danny’s room ]

Danny: [ curls up in bed ] I’m gonna be a baseball player! [ a light appears in his closet ] Wha.. who’s there?

Todd Hunley: [ steps from out of the closet ] Hello, Danny.

Danny: [ excited ] Wow! Todd Hunley, from the New York Mets!

Todd Hunley: That’s right. I’m just here to tell you you should follow your dreams. You can do it! You can be a pro ballplayer!

Danny: [ excited ] I can?

Todd Hunley: Sure you can. You can do anything you set your mind to. Just ask Scott Rolan, National League Rookie of the Year.

[ Scott Rolan steps out from the closet ]

Danny: Wow! Scott Rolan!

Scott Rolan: Hey, Andy!

Danny: It’s not Andy. It’s Danny.

Scott Rolan: Whatever, kid. Hey! You can fulfill your dream. This is North America!

Todd Hunley: We usually just say America.

[ Mark Wohlers steps out of the closet ]

Mark Wohlers: That’s right, kid.

Danny: [ excited ] Mark Wohlers!

Mark Wohlers: You can do anything you wanna do. This ain’t Russia, sport!

Danny: [ confused ] But Russia’s a democracy now..

Mark Wohlers: Quit being a fag. You get the point.

Danny: Mark Wohlers called me a fag.. [ sniffs ]

Todd Hunley: Be cool, kid. Don’t cry.

Mom: [ from the hall ] Is everything okay, honey?

Todd Hunley: [ grabs Danny’s arm ] Tell your Mom that everything’s okay!

Scott Rolan: It’s too late! Hide! [ crouches behind the door, as the other two ballplayers crouch behind the bed ]

Mom: [ enters room ] Honey? Is everything okay?

Danny: [ scared ] I’m fine, Mom..

Mom: It smells like chew in here.

Danny: I don’t smell anything..

Mom: Alright. Get some sleep. [ exits ]

Mark Wohlers: [ stands up ] Hey.. your Mom’s hot!

Danny: Hey! What did you say?

Mark Wohlers: I said you can succeed at whatever you want.

Danny: No, you didn’t!

Mark Wohlers: Yeah, it’s true! Just ask Marty Cordova of the Minnesota Twins, and Jeff Fassero of the Seattle Mariners.

[ Marty Cordova and Jeff Fessero step out of the closet ]

Marty Cordova: Hey.. Benjamin..

Jeff Fassero: No. I think it’s Danny.

Danny: Yeah, it’s Danny!

Jeff Fassero: Mind if we smoke? [ smokes ]

Danny: Kind of.. [ coughs ] Listen, I want you guys to leave!

Jeff Fassero: You might want us to leave, but do you want Greg Jeffries of the Philadelphia Phillies, Mark Grudzielanek and Rondell White of the Montreal Expos to go?

[ Greg Jeffries, Mark Grudzielanek, and Rondell White step out of the closet ]

Danny: Yeah, I think I do!

Greg Jeffries: Listen, kid. You can be anything you wanna be. Just set your mind to it.

Rondell White: Yeah, kid. Go for your dreams.

Danny: A bunch of guys have said that already. It’s pretty much meaningless now!

Greg Jeffries: Well, sor-ry, you little punk!

Mark Wohlers: [ pulls propeller off of toy model airplane ] Hey, kid! I think I broke this!

Danny: [ angry ] Hey, come on! Imade that!

[ Todd Zeile, Russ Davis, and Cliff Floyd step out of the closet ]

Todd Zeile: Hi. I’m Todd Zeile. This is Russ Davis and Cliff Floyd. We’re professional ballplayers, too.

Cliff Floyd: Where’s the food? You got any food?

Danny: No! Get out!

[ ballplayers start to party in Danny’s room ]

Mark Wohlers: [ picks up radio ] Hey, man! Does this radio work?

Danny: [ annoyed ] Yes! I don’t even know who you guys are! Where’s Ken Griffey, Jr.

Todd Hunley: Ah, don’t worry about it. He’s gonna stop by later. We dropped him off at a strip joint down the street.
[ ballplayers cheer, as David Howard and Mike Sweeney step out of the closet with a keg ]

David Howard: Where’s the party!

Danny: David Howard and Mike Sweeney! Go away! Guys, you’re gonna wake up my Mom!

[ more ballplayers step out of the closet, including Ted Brogan and his dog ]

Ted Brogan: Hey, where are the girls?

Danny: Who’s that guy? Hey, he’s not even weating a uniform!

Ted Brogan: I’m Ted Brogan. I played a little minor league ball in the 80’s. I was supposed to play in Japan, but I failed a drug test. so.. This is my master, Hannibal. [ dog barks ]

Danny: Your dog scares me.

Mom: [ reenters room, turns off radio ] Honey.. what is going on in here? Who are these men?

Ted Brogan: I’m Ted Brogan. I got rollin’ papers, if you got weed!

Mom: What are you doing in my son’s room!

Mark Grudzielanek: [ puts his arm around Mom ] Hi, sweetheart. I’m Mark Grudzielanek.

Mom: I don’t care! Put that cigarette out, shut that dog up, and everybody get out!

Todd Hunley: Hey, look, lady, we’re just trying to help your kid!

Voice Outside Window: I’m naked! Whoo-hoo!

Greg Jeffries: [ looks out window ] It’s Griffey! He’s naked in the yard again!

[ police sirens can be heard ]

Todd Hunley: Come on! Lety’s go! It’s the cops!

[ ballplayers scatter out of the room ]

Ted Brogan: [ hands gun to Danny ] Can you hide this for me? Thanks. [ runs out of room ] [ Danny cries, as Mom comes to his side ]

Mom: It’s okay, honey.. they’re all gone now.

Danny: That was horrible!

Mom: Do you still wanna be a baseball player?
Danny: [ throws baseball glove to the floor ] No! I don’t wanna be a baseball player! [ pause ] I wanna be a basketball player!

[ suddenly, a group of basketball players run out of the closet and bounce into Danny’s bed and dribble a basketball on his head ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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