Baseball Dreams


Baseball Dreams

Mom…..Helen Hunt
Danny…..Chris Kattan
Ted Brogan…..Will Ferrell

Mom: ..”And Santa told Teddy the Turtle, ‘Even turtles get presents for Christmas.'”

Danny: That’s a great story, Mom!

Mom: Goodnight, honey. Tomorrow’s Christmas! It’s going to be a big day.

Danny: I don’t care if I get any presents. I just wanna be a pro baseball player when I grow up!

Mom: You can do anything you want, Danny. Just follow your dreams. But in the meantime, get some sleep. [ exits Danny’s room ]

Danny: [ curls up in bed ] I’m gonna be a baseball player! [ a light appears in his closet ] Wha.. who’s there?

Todd Hunley: [ steps from out of the closet ] Hello, Danny.

Danny: [ excited ] Wow! Todd Hunley, from the New York Mets!

Todd Hunley: That’s right. I’m just here to tell you you should follow your dreams. You can do it! You can be a pro ballplayer!

Danny: [ excited ] I can?

Todd Hunley: Sure you can. You can do anything you set your mind to. Just ask Scott Rolan, National League Rookie of the Year.

[ Scott Rolan steps out from the closet ]

Danny: Wow! Scott Rolan!

Scott Rolan: Hey, Andy!

Danny: It’s not Andy. It’s Danny.

Scott Rolan: Whatever, kid. Hey! You can fulfill your dream. This is North America!

Todd Hunley: We usually just say America.

[ Mark Wohlers steps out of the closet ]

Mark Wohlers: That’s right, kid.

Danny: [ excited ] Mark Wohlers!

Mark Wohlers: You can do anything you wanna do. This ain’t Russia, sport!

Danny: [ confused ] But Russia’s a democracy now..

Mark Wohlers: Quit being a fag. You get the point.

Danny: Mark Wohlers called me a fag.. [ sniffs ]

Todd Hunley: Be cool, kid. Don’t cry.

Mom: [ from the hall ] Is everything okay, honey?

Todd Hunley: [ grabs Danny’s arm ] Tell your Mom that everything’s okay!

Scott Rolan: It’s too late! Hide! [ crouches behind the door, as the other two ballplayers crouch behind the bed ]

Mom: [ enters room ] Honey? Is everything okay?

Danny: [ scared ] I’m fine, Mom..

Mom: It smells like chew in here.

Danny: I don’t smell anything..

Mom: Alright. Get some sleep. [ exits ]

Mark Wohlers: [ stands up ] Hey.. your Mom’s hot!

Danny: Hey! What did you say?

Mark Wohlers: I said you can succeed at whatever you want.

Danny: No, you didn’t!

Mark Wohlers: Yeah, it’s true! Just ask Marty Cordova of the Minnesota Twins, and Jeff Fassero of the Seattle Mariners.

[ Marty Cordova and Jeff Fessero step out of the closet ]

Marty Cordova: Hey.. Benjamin..

Jeff Fassero: No. I think it’s Danny.

Danny: Yeah, it’s Danny!

Jeff Fassero: Mind if we smoke? [ smokes ]

Danny: Kind of.. [ coughs ] Listen, I want you guys to leave!

Jeff Fassero: You might want us to leave, but do you want Greg Jeffries of the Philadelphia Phillies, Mark Grudzielanek and Rondell White of the Montreal Expos to go?

[ Greg Jeffries, Mark Grudzielanek, and Rondell White step out of the closet ]

Danny: Yeah, I think I do!

Greg Jeffries: Listen, kid. You can be anything you wanna be. Just set your mind to it.

Rondell White: Yeah, kid. Go for your dreams.

Danny: A bunch of guys have said that already. It’s pretty much meaningless now!

Greg Jeffries: Well, sor-ry, you little punk!

Mark Wohlers: [ pulls propeller off of toy model airplane ] Hey, kid! I think I broke this!

Danny: [ angry ] Hey, come on! Imade that!

[ Todd Zeile, Russ Davis, and Cliff Floyd step out of the closet ]

Todd Zeile: Hi. I’m Todd Zeile. This is Russ Davis and Cliff Floyd. We’re professional ballplayers, too.

Cliff Floyd: Where’s the food? You got any food?

Danny: No! Get out!

[ ballplayers start to party in Danny’s room ]

Mark Wohlers: [ picks up radio ] Hey, man! Does this radio work?

Danny: [ annoyed ] Yes! I don’t even know who you guys are! Where’s Ken Griffey, Jr.

Todd Hunley: Ah, don’t worry about it. He’s gonna stop by later. We dropped him off at a strip joint down the street.
[ ballplayers cheer, as David Howard and Mike Sweeney step out of the closet with a keg ]

David Howard: Where’s the party!

Danny: David Howard and Mike Sweeney! Go away! Guys, you’re gonna wake up my Mom!

[ more ballplayers step out of the closet, including Ted Brogan and his dog ]

Ted Brogan: Hey, where are the girls?

Danny: Who’s that guy? Hey, he’s not even weating a uniform!

Ted Brogan: I’m Ted Brogan. I played a little minor league ball in the 80’s. I was supposed to play in Japan, but I failed a drug test. so.. This is my master, Hannibal. [ dog barks ]

Danny: Your dog scares me.

Mom: [ reenters room, turns off radio ] Honey.. what is going on in here? Who are these men?

Ted Brogan: I’m Ted Brogan. I got rollin’ papers, if you got weed!

Mom: What are you doing in my son’s room!

Mark Grudzielanek: [ puts his arm around Mom ] Hi, sweetheart. I’m Mark Grudzielanek.

Mom: I don’t care! Put that cigarette out, shut that dog up, and everybody get out!

Todd Hunley: Hey, look, lady, we’re just trying to help your kid!

Voice Outside Window: I’m naked! Whoo-hoo!

Greg Jeffries: [ looks out window ] It’s Griffey! He’s naked in the yard again!

[ police sirens can be heard ]

Todd Hunley: Come on! Lety’s go! It’s the cops!

[ ballplayers scatter out of the room ]

Ted Brogan: [ hands gun to Danny ] Can you hide this for me? Thanks. [ runs out of room ] [ Danny cries, as Mom comes to his side ]

Mom: It’s okay, honey.. they’re all gone now.

Danny: That was horrible!

Mom: Do you still wanna be a baseball player?
Danny: [ throws baseball glove to the floor ] No! I don’t wanna be a baseball player! [ pause ] I wanna be a basketball player!

[ suddenly, a group of basketball players run out of the closet and bounce into Danny’s bed and dribble a basketball on his head ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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