Christmas Caroling With The Culps
Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbi Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer
Senor Franklin…..Tim Meadows
Connie Davenport…..Helen Hunt
[ open on interior, household foyer during Christmas – the doorbell rings, a hand reaches out to open the door, revealing Marty and Bobby Mohan-Culp at the door with a keyboard ]
Culps: [ singing ]
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la!”
[ the door is shut ]
Marty Culp: Wo wo wo wo wo! [ pushes the door back open ] Jesse? You probably don’t recognize us! I’m Marty Culp.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And I’m Bobbie Mohan-Culp. We were your musicteachers back at Altadina Middle School.
Marty Culp: Yeah. Yeah. It probably feels like ancient history to Jesse here – he’s already a sophomore at Vasser.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [ laughs ] Oh, gosh, Jesse, it looks like yourfamily’s in the middle of a Christmas bash.. But you are the last house on our annual caroling tour.
Marty Culp: And we knew your parents always get a real charge out of our holiday house call.. Hi, Eileen! Oh.. she’s moving real fast there!
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Those quiches look real good!
Marty Culp: They sure look good, yeah..
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Listen, Jesse.. we’ve been caroling for sevenhours. Could we maybe just use your facilities..?
[ the door is closed, but Marty pushes it back open in time ]
Marty Culp: Yeah, you’re right.. it’s probably better that we stay out here, if you’ve got a house full of people in there!
Senor Franklin: Heads up! entering the caroling zone!
Never fear, the tenor section’s here!
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Oh, the gang’s all here! Jesse, I’m sure youremember your old Spanish teacher – Senor Franklin.
Senor Franklin: Feliz navidad, Jesse!
Marty Culp: And, of course, Connie Davenport, the only typing teacher around who knows all the words to every Gilbert & Sullivan operetta.
Connie Davenport: Sorry, Jesse, we took so long. Your rottweiler really took a liking to my 19th Century cape.
Senor Franklin: Well, I have to admit, Connie – it does smell a little like bacon!
Connie Davenport: It’s a rental.
Marty Culp: It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
Connie Davenport: Boy, that wind chill is really starting to kick in..!
[ the door is closed, but Marty pushes it open again ]
Marty Culp: Boy.. no room at the inn, huh?
Senor Franklin: Looks like Jesse wants us to sing for our supper! [ camera moves back and forth “no” ]
Marty Culp: No? Oh. Well.. uh.. let’s get the carols cooking. Uh.. Jesse, real quick bathroom break? [ camera moves back and forth “no” ] No?
Connie Davenport: Maybe you’ll change your mind after we make you a musical snowman, and stuff your stocking with a lump of funk!
Marty Culp: Sounds good to me. 1, 2, 3, 4! [ plays the keyboard ]
Men: “Jingle bells, jingle all the..
Jingle bells, jingle all the..”
Connie Davenport: “Jing-jing-jing that bell.
Jing-jing-jing that bell.”
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “You can ring my be-e-ell!”
All: Ring-ding-ding.. ding-a-ling-a-ling!”
“Angels we have heard on high, seetly singing o’er the plains.
[ the door is pushed closed, but they all push it back open and change their tune ]
Men: “It came upon a midnight..
Women: “Midnight at the oasis.”
Men: “Send your camels to bed.”
Women: “We don’t need no camels.”
Men: “No, no.”
All: “‘Cause the Christ child’s in our hands!
‘Cause the Christ child’s in our hands!”
Women: “Silent night, holy night..”
Men: “Nights in white satin, never reaching the end
Letters I’ve written.”
Connie Davenport: “Never meaning to send.”
All: “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Two turtle doves..
This is what it sounds like, when doves cry!
Here we come a-wassailin’ among the leaves so green
Here we come a.. sailing, take me away to where I’m going..”
Senor Franklin: “And so, I hope I’m offering this simple phrase..”
All: “..to kids from 1 to..
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Jeder war ein grosser Krieger
Marty Culp: “Hielten sich fuer Captain Kirk!”
All: “Merry Christmas.. to..”
[ the door closes again ]
Connie Davenport: No, no, no.. wait, wait, wait.. [ pushes it open once more ] ..”Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!