Christmas Caroling With The Culps


Christmas Caroling With The Culps

Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbi Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer
Senor Franklin…..Tim Meadows
Connie Davenport…..Helen Hunt

[ open on interior, household foyer during Christmas – the doorbell rings, a hand reaches out to open the door, revealing Marty and Bobby Mohan-Culp at the door with a keyboard ]

Culps: [ singing ]Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la!”

[ the door is shut ]

Marty Culp: Wo wo wo wo wo! [ pushes the door back open ] Jesse? You probably don’t recognize us! I’m Marty Culp.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And I’m Bobbie Mohan-Culp. We were your musicteachers back at Altadina Middle School.

Marty Culp: Yeah. Yeah. It probably feels like ancient history to Jesse here – he’s already a sophomore at Vasser.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [ laughs ] Oh, gosh, Jesse, it looks like yourfamily’s in the middle of a Christmas bash.. But you are the last house on our annual caroling tour.

Marty Culp: And we knew your parents always get a real charge out of our holiday house call.. Hi, Eileen! Oh.. she’s moving real fast there!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Those quiches look real good!

Marty Culp: They sure look good, yeah..

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Listen, Jesse.. we’ve been caroling for sevenhours. Could we maybe just use your facilities..?

[ the door is closed, but Marty pushes it back open in time ]

Marty Culp: Yeah, you’re right.. it’s probably better that we stay out here, if you’ve got a house full of people in there!

Senor Franklin: Heads up! entering the caroling zone!

Never fear, the tenor section’s here!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Oh, the gang’s all here! Jesse, I’m sure youremember your old Spanish teacher – Senor Franklin.

Senor Franklin: Feliz navidad, Jesse!

Marty Culp: And, of course, Connie Davenport, the only typing teacher around who knows all the words to every Gilbert & Sullivan operetta.

Connie Davenport: Sorry, Jesse, we took so long. Your rottweiler really took a liking to my 19th Century cape.

Senor Franklin: Well, I have to admit, Connie – it does smell a little like bacon!

Connie Davenport: It’s a rental.

Marty Culp: It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

Connie Davenport: Boy, that wind chill is really starting to kick in..!

[ the door is closed, but Marty pushes it open again ]

Marty Culp: Boy.. no room at the inn, huh?

Senor Franklin: Looks like Jesse wants us to sing for our supper! [ camera moves back and forth “no” ]

Marty Culp: No? Oh. Well.. uh.. let’s get the carols cooking. Uh.. Jesse, real quick bathroom break? [ camera moves back and forth “no” ] No?

Connie Davenport: Maybe you’ll change your mind after we make you a musical snowman, and stuff your stocking with a lump of funk!

Marty Culp: Sounds good to me. 1, 2, 3, 4! [ plays the keyboard ]

Men: “Jingle bells, jingle all the..
Jingle bells, jingle all the..”

Connie Davenport: “Jing-jing-jing that bell.
Jing-jing-jing that bell.”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “You can ring my be-e-ell!”

All: Ring-ding-ding.. ding-a-ling-a-ling!”

“Angels we have heard on high, seetly singing o’er the plains.
Men: “Gloria!”

Woman: “G-L-O-R-I-A!”

Men: “Gloria!”

Woman: “G-L-O-R-I-A!”

Men: “Gloria!”

[ the door is pushed closed, but they all push it back open and change their tune ]

Men: “It came upon a midnight..

Women: “Midnight at the oasis.”

Men: “Send your camels to bed.”

Women: “We don’t need no camels.”

Men: “No, no.”

All: “‘Cause the Christ child’s in our hands!
‘Cause the Christ child’s in our hands!”

Women: “Silent night, holy night..”

Men: “Nights in white satin, never reaching the end
Letters I’ve written.”

Connie Davenport: “Never meaning to send.”

All: “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Two turtle doves..
This is what it sounds like, when doves cry!
Do do-do-do-do!
Do do-do-do-do!

Here we come a-wassailin’ among the leaves so green
Here we come a.. sailing, take me away to where I’m going..”

Senor Franklin: “And so, I hope I’m offering this simple phrase..”

All: “ kids from 1 to..
99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Jeder war ein grosser Krieger

Marty Culp: “Hielten sich fuer Captain Kirk!”

All: “Merry Christmas.. to..”
[ the door closes again ]

Connie Davenport: No, no, no.. wait, wait, wait.. [ pushes it open once more ] ..”Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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