SNL Transcripts: Helen Hunt: 12/13/97: The Delicious Dish

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 9

97i: Helen Hunt / Hanson

The Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen …. Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto … Molly Shannon
Gertrude Mintz … Helen Hunt

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen …

Teri Rialto: … and I’m Teri Rialto …

Margaret Jo McCullen: … and you’re listening to …

Together: … The Delicious Dish on National Public Radio.

[they both are sipping eggnog and quite giddy]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Say, Teri, do you hear those sleigh bell jingling?

Teri Rialto: Yes … and ring-ting tingling, too. [giddy laughter]

Margaret Jo McCullen: That must mean it’s the holiday season again.

Teri Rialto: Yes.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And in honor of this special Yuletide edition of The Delicious Dish, our audio technician, Sylvia Spencer, prepared her special eggnog for us.

Teri Rialto: Yes. And it’s really noggy. [more giddy laughter] What a funny, funny, funny word “nooog”.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Sylvia really used her egg-noggin’ when she made this.

Teri Rialto: That’s funny.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s funny. Fun, fun times with nog.

Teri Rialto: Fun times with eggnog.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s nog. It’s nog. It’s nog.

Teri Rialto: Good times. It’s neat.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Neat.

Teri Rialto: I think I’m a little bit tipsy, Margaret Jo.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I’m totally wasted. It’s fun. It’s funny being drunk.

Teri Rialto: It’s fun being a little high. [more giddy laughter]

Margaret Jo McCullen: I’m a little bit blitzed. Good times.

Teri Rialto: Good times with nog.

[the down some more]

Teri Rialto: That is strong stuff.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Sylvia really makes a mean nog.

Teri Rialto: Yeah. But her cornbread is always a little dry.

Margaret Jo McCullen: [becomes serious really fast] Whoa, Terry. That was way out of line. I can’t believe you just said that.

Teri Rialto: I’m sorry. It’s the nog talking. I’ll have to write Sylvia a note.

Margaret Jo McCullen: You sure will. Boy, you can be a really mean drunk.

Teri Rialto: I know. I’m a monster.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well … so, I guess … anyway. Before this turns into a brawl, let’s share Sylvia’s wonderful eggnog recipe with our listeners.

Teri Rialto: Okay. [reading from a card] Okay. Sylvia Spencer’s Holiday Nonalcoholic Eggnog … nonalcoholic.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Oh. I guess we’re not drunk.

Teri Rialto: I could have sworn that we were hammered.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Me, too. I was about to make really sloppy phone calls to old boyfriends.

Teri Rialto: This is embarrassing.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s embarrassing.

Teri Rialto: A little humiliating.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s kind of humiliating.

Teri Rialto: Yeah. I guess it’s okay to be embarrassed sometimes.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, I guess we were just high on Yuletide cheer. So, let’s go ahead and bring out our special holiday guest.

Teri Rialto: Yes. She’s a very talented and cutting edge confectionary. In fact, we like to call her the Rock and Roll Pastry Chef.

Margaret Jo McCullen: She runs Viva Las Baked Goods outside of Memphis.

Teri Rialto: And she’s here today to shake, rattle and roll out some delicious holiday treats. Please welcome …

Together: … Gertrude Mintz.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi, Gertrude

Teri Rialto: Welcome to the show.

Gertrude Mintz: [very slow and deadpan] Please call me, Trudy … it rhymes with booty … which I shake all night long … while making pastries.

Teri Rialto: Why don’t you have some nog, Trudy?

Gertrude Mintz: I can’t. I’m allergic to dairy.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Neat.

Gertrude Mintz: Thanks.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, Booty Trudy, Christmas sure is a great time of year, isn’t it, for baked goodies?

Gertrude Mintz: It sure is. A lot of exciting confections are appropriate for the Holiday season. But the Christmas confection that really says “rock and roll” to me is the gingerbread house. [she sets an ordinary Gingerbread house on the desk]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooo. Neat.

Teri Rialto: Wow.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s neat.

Teri Rialto: Wow. Rock and Roll.

Gertrude Mintz: This took me 10 months to complete. It’s an exact replica of Elvis Presley’s glorious Memphis estate, Graceland.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow. That’s so interesting, Trudy. I didn’t realize that Graceland was just one big room.

Gertrude Mintz: Well, well, it’s not. I just ran out of time before Christmas. I wanted to make tiny gold records out of Neco Wafers. I also wanted the house to have real working plumbing but it was really hard.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Sure. Sure.

Teri Rialto: I see that you made a garage.

Gertrude Mintz: Yeah. It houses Elvis’ collection of vintage cars. I made the cars out of Matchbox cars.

Margaret Jo McCullen: So you really can’t eat the cars.

Gertrude Mintz: No. They’re made out of plastic and die cast metal.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s too bad they don’t make gummy cars. You could have used those.

Gertrude Mintz: That would have been neat.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. Too bad. It would have.

Teri Rialto: So, you say, Gertrude, that this took you 10 months to do?

Gertrude Mintz: Yes, but keep in mind that a lot of that time was spent rocking and rolling. It’s hard to bake when you rock like I do.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I know what you mean. Teri and I tried to make a Gingerbread Mount Vernon last year.

Teri Rialto: Yeah. It got really ugly. We almost killed ourselves.

[a disturbingly long pause]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, anyway. We’re all out of time. Thanks for joining us and thanks for our guest, Gertrude Mintz.

Gertrude Mintz: Hope I didn’t get you “all shook up”.

Teri Rialto: No. Thank you for your concern but we are A-OK.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Anyway. Have a Merry Christmas and join us for our upcoming New Year’s party-planning episode next week when we discuss ….

Together: … ketchup.

Gertrude Mintz: You sure you’re okay?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. We’re fine.

Teri Rialto: We’re fine.

[fade ]

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

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