SNL Transcripts: Helen Hunt: 12/13/97: The Delicious Dish


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 9

97i: Helen Hunt / Hanson

The Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen …. Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto … Molly Shannon
Gertrude Mintz … Helen Hunt

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen …

Teri Rialto: … and I’m Teri Rialto …

Margaret Jo McCullen: … and you’re listening to …

Together: … The Delicious Dish on National Public Radio.

[they both are sipping eggnog and quite giddy]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Say, Teri, do you hear those sleigh bell jingling?

Teri Rialto: Yes … and ring-ting tingling, too. [giddy laughter]

Margaret Jo McCullen: That must mean it’s the holiday season again.

Teri Rialto: Yes.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And in honor of this special Yuletide edition of The Delicious Dish, our audio technician, Sylvia Spencer, prepared her special eggnog for us.

Teri Rialto: Yes. And it’s really noggy. [more giddy laughter] What a funny, funny, funny word “nooog”.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Sylvia really used her egg-noggin’ when she made this.

Teri Rialto: That’s funny.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s funny. Fun, fun times with nog.

Teri Rialto: Fun times with eggnog.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s nog. It’s nog. It’s nog.

Teri Rialto: Good times. It’s neat.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Neat.

Teri Rialto: I think I’m a little bit tipsy, Margaret Jo.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I’m totally wasted. It’s fun. It’s funny being drunk.

Teri Rialto: It’s fun being a little high. [more giddy laughter]

Margaret Jo McCullen: I’m a little bit blitzed. Good times.

Teri Rialto: Good times with nog.

[the down some more]

Teri Rialto: That is strong stuff.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Sylvia really makes a mean nog.

Teri Rialto: Yeah. But her cornbread is always a little dry.

Margaret Jo McCullen: [becomes serious really fast] Whoa, Terry. That was way out of line. I can’t believe you just said that.

Teri Rialto: I’m sorry. It’s the nog talking. I’ll have to write Sylvia a note.

Margaret Jo McCullen: You sure will. Boy, you can be a really mean drunk.

Teri Rialto: I know. I’m a monster.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well … so, I guess … anyway. Before this turns into a brawl, let’s share Sylvia’s wonderful eggnog recipe with our listeners.

Teri Rialto: Okay. [reading from a card] Okay. Sylvia Spencer’s Holiday Nonalcoholic Eggnog … nonalcoholic.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Oh. I guess we’re not drunk.

Teri Rialto: I could have sworn that we were hammered.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Me, too. I was about to make really sloppy phone calls to old boyfriends.

Teri Rialto: This is embarrassing.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s embarrassing.

Teri Rialto: A little humiliating.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s kind of humiliating.

Teri Rialto: Yeah. I guess it’s okay to be embarrassed sometimes.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, I guess we were just high on Yuletide cheer. So, let’s go ahead and bring out our special holiday guest.

Teri Rialto: Yes. She’s a very talented and cutting edge confectionary. In fact, we like to call her the Rock and Roll Pastry Chef.

Margaret Jo McCullen: She runs Viva Las Baked Goods outside of Memphis.

Teri Rialto: And she’s here today to shake, rattle and roll out some delicious holiday treats. Please welcome …

Together: … Gertrude Mintz.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi, Gertrude

Teri Rialto: Welcome to the show.

Gertrude Mintz: [very slow and deadpan] Please call me, Trudy … it rhymes with booty … which I shake all night long … while making pastries.

Teri Rialto: Why don’t you have some nog, Trudy?

Gertrude Mintz: I can’t. I’m allergic to dairy.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Neat.

Gertrude Mintz: Thanks.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, Booty Trudy, Christmas sure is a great time of year, isn’t it, for baked goodies?

Gertrude Mintz: It sure is. A lot of exciting confections are appropriate for the Holiday season. But the Christmas confection that really says “rock and roll” to me is the gingerbread house. [she sets an ordinary Gingerbread house on the desk]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooo. Neat.

Teri Rialto: Wow.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s neat.

Teri Rialto: Wow. Rock and Roll.

Gertrude Mintz: This took me 10 months to complete. It’s an exact replica of Elvis Presley’s glorious Memphis estate, Graceland.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow. That’s so interesting, Trudy. I didn’t realize that Graceland was just one big room.

Gertrude Mintz: Well, well, it’s not. I just ran out of time before Christmas. I wanted to make tiny gold records out of Neco Wafers. I also wanted the house to have real working plumbing but it was really hard.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Sure. Sure.

Teri Rialto: I see that you made a garage.

Gertrude Mintz: Yeah. It houses Elvis’ collection of vintage cars. I made the cars out of Matchbox cars.

Margaret Jo McCullen: So you really can’t eat the cars.

Gertrude Mintz: No. They’re made out of plastic and die cast metal.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s too bad they don’t make gummy cars. You could have used those.

Gertrude Mintz: That would have been neat.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. Too bad. It would have.

Teri Rialto: So, you say, Gertrude, that this took you 10 months to do?

Gertrude Mintz: Yes, but keep in mind that a lot of that time was spent rocking and rolling. It’s hard to bake when you rock like I do.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I know what you mean. Teri and I tried to make a Gingerbread Mount Vernon last year.

Teri Rialto: Yeah. It got really ugly. We almost killed ourselves.

[a disturbingly long pause]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, anyway. We’re all out of time. Thanks for joining us and thanks for our guest, Gertrude Mintz.

Gertrude Mintz: Hope I didn’t get you “all shook up”.

Teri Rialto: No. Thank you for your concern but we are A-OK.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Anyway. Have a Merry Christmas and join us for our upcoming New Year’s party-planning episode next week when we discuss ….

Together: … ketchup.

Gertrude Mintz: You sure you’re okay?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. We’re fine.

Teri Rialto: We’re fine.

[fade ]

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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