Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 9
Torturing Hanson
Man in black…..Will Ferrell
Woman in black…..Helen Hunt
Record Executive…..Darrell Hammond
…..Taylor Hanson
…..Isaac Hanson
…..Zac Hanson
[Opens with a shot of a building. Cut to a lobby in front of an elevator. Teen pop group Hanson are talking with a record executive. Isaac shakes hands with him.]
Isaac Hanson: Hey, nice meeting you, man.
Record Executive: Absolutely. You kids are fantastic! Give some thought to the double-album. We can make a mint, kids! “Mmmbop”! I love that tune![leaves]
Taylor Hanson: Yeah, thanks.
Zac Hanson: Yeah, take it easy.
[The trio get on the elevator, door closes and a man and woman dressed in black spring into action]
Both: NOW!!
[The man in black stops the elevator. Alarm rings. The woman in black pulls out a machine gun]
Woman in Black: Do not move!!! I swear to God!! Do not make me use this!!
Man in Black: Ok, we have stoppage and go verification.
Woman in Black: Are you the pop group known as Hanson?
Taylor Hanson: Look lady, we don’t want any—
Woman in Black: ANSWER ME!!![points machine gun]
[alarm stops]
Taylor Hanson: Yeah.
Woman in Black: Did you write the song “Mmmbop”?
Isaac Hanson: Yeah?
Taylor Hanson: Yeah, we did.
Woman in Black: Are you aware that during the spring and summer of 1997 your song “Mmmbop” was played over 7.8 million times worldwide?
Isaac Hanson: Yeah, it was a big hit for us….
Both in Black: SHUT UP!!!
[Man in black pulls out a radio]
Woman in Black: Now you will suffer like we did.
Isaac Taylor: Look, we’re just trying to make fun-catchy music…
Woman in Black: No, no, no! Don’t try to pull that “we’re just trying to make people happy crap”!!
Man in Black: Put on your earplugs. [Both in black put on earplugs] You will now listen to the song for as long as it takes for you to feel the pain that we felt this past summer.
Taylor Hanson: We play the song. It doesn’t bother us.
Woman in Black: Just listen!
[“Mmmbop” plays. “Mmmbop, badubidap unbop, budia badumbop, budiambadump, hey, hey, Mmmmbop….]
[Caption: One hour later]
Taylor Hanson: I’m telling you, we like the song. This is ridiculous…
[Song continues and Isaac freaks out]
Isaac Hanson: AAAAAHH!!! STOP IT!!! ITS BANGING MY HEAD!!! OH GOD!!! [Taylor grabs his brother] Get your hands off me! You made me play the song and now I’m having nightmares!
[Song continues]
[Caption: 3 hours later]
[Isaac is catatonic]
Taylor Hanson: We’ve got to get him to a hospital.
Man in Black: We can’t hear you.
Isaac Hanson: Don’t worry, we’ll….
[Zac freaks out]
Zac Hanson: OOOOHH, GOD!!! IT HURTS!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT!!!
[“Mmmbop” continues]
[Caption: 10 hours later. Zac And Isaac are in a catatonic state]
Woman in Black: It’s not affecting the middle one.
[Taylor is cool]
Man in Black:[pulls out earplugs] What?
Woman in Black: He doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.
[Song continues]
Man in Black: God! I don’t know how! Its horrifying!!
Taylor Hanson: Give it a chance. Its kind of have a cool groove.
Man in Black: Hey, it kind of does!
Woman in Black: Bobby, don’t let them get to you!
Man in Black: [dances to “Mmmbop”] Hey, hey, Mmmbop, yeah! Its just fun!
Woman in Black: Damn you! Your wicked melody has claimed him!
[Elevator door opens and the Hanson trio run out. The Man in black keeps singing “Mmmbop” and the woman looks at him with sadness while slowly pointing the machine gun at him.]
Woman in Black: That’s right, Bobby. “Mmmbop”. Just “Mmmbop”. That’s right. Just “Mmmbop”
[Elevator door closes.]
[BANG!]
[Elevator door opens, blood is sprayed on the wall, Bobby is shot in the head. The woman in black cradles his dead body and weeps. Record Executive gets inside elevator. “Mmmbop” continues playing.]
Record Executive: “Mmmbop”! I love this tune!
[cheers and applause]
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
