SNL Transcripts: Helen Hunt: 12/13/97: Helen Hunt’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 9

97i: Helen Hunt / Hanson

Helen Hunt’s Monologue

…..Helen Hunt
…..Jack Nicholson
…..Jim Breuer
…..Darrell Hammondv…..Tim Meadows
…..Cheri Oteri
…..Colin Quinn

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Helen Hunt!

[ Cheers and applause from audience. ]

Helen Hunt: Thank you very much. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! This has been a really exciting week. Tonight, I’m fulfilling a lifelong, personal dream: getting to work with Hanson! In fact – in fact – few people don’t know this but I’m actually the oldest Hanson!

[ CUT TO: A manipulated photo of Helen rehearsing with Hanson. ]

Helen Hunt (V/O): Can you see it? I bet you can.

[ Back to Home Base. ]

Helen Hunt: I’m also excited because my new movie, “As Good as it Gets” with Jack Nicholson, opens next week. It was so amazing working with him –

[ Jim Breuer bursts onto Home Base. ]

Jim Breuer: “Wait till they get a load of me!”

[ He places his arm around Helen. ]

Jim Breuer: “Here’s Johnny!”

Helen Hunt: Jim Breuer, everybody! Yes, that’s good.

[ Jim removes his arm to compose himself. ]

Jim Breuer: “You know, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!”

Helen Hunt: Yes, yes, that’s great! It’s a really good Nicholson impersonation –

Jim Breuer: “Wendy…”

Helen Hunt: Never heard one of those ones before…

Jim Breuer: “Give me the bat!”

Helen Hunt: Yeah, okay, but the thing was, I was –

Jim Breuer: “You didn’t let me finish!”

Helen Hunt: Jim, please, you obviously respect…

Jim Breuer: “I said, I’m not going to hurt you!”

Helen Hunt: …Jack Nicholson and so do I, that’s great, but…

Jim Breuer: “WENDY!”

Helen Hunt: …I don’t know that now’s a great time to be doing this.

Jim Breuer: “Give me the bat, Wendy!”

Helen Hunt: Okay! We get it, Jim. You can do Nicholson!

Jim Breuer: “WENDY!”

[ Darrell Hammond joins in. ]

Darrell Hammond: “Wait till they get a load of me!”

Helen Hunt: That’s great Darrell! That’s great!

Darrell Hammond: Hi, Helen!

Helen Hunt: Hi, yeah…

Darrell Hammond: “I’m just your typical, horny little devil!”

Helen Hunt: Sounded more like Christian Slater, but…

Darrell Hammond: What?

Jim Breuer: “I am not an animal! I’m a human being for crying out loud!”

Helen Hunt: What are you doing!?

Jim Breuer: It’s Jack Nicholson from “The Elephant Man.”

Helen Hunt: Nicholson was not even in that movie!

Jim Breuer: Oh, yes he was!

Helen Hunt: Okay, let’s not argue.

[ Colin Quinn joins in. ]

Colin Quinn: Helen, ask me what I had for lunch today.

Helen Hunt: No!

Colin Quinn: Come on, just ask me…

Helen Hunt: Fine. What did you have for lunch today?

[ Colin holds his hair as if it were slicked like Nicholson. ]

Colin & Helen: “I had a chicken salad sandwich!”

Helen Hunt: Yes. Somehow, I thought maybe you’d be above this. Silly me.

[ Cheri Oteri joins in. ]

Cheri Oteri: Hi, Helen! You look nice.

[ Cheri holds her bangs back. ]

Cheri Oteri: “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!”

Helen Hunt: Not you, too! How could this happen?

[ Tim Meadows joins in. ]

Tim Meadows: Hey, Helen! Check this out…

[ Tim places his hand on his forehead. ]

Tim Meadows: “Here’s Johnny!”

Helen Hunt: Yeah, yeah, that’s great! Because that’s really gonna fool him!

Cast: [repeatedly] “Here’s Johnny!”

Helen Hunt: Okay, the thing is…

[ The spotlight shines on the host entrance as Nicholson himself emerges. The audience goes into hysterics upon seeing the Oscar-winning actor. ]

Jack Nicholson: Why don’t, why –

[ The audience continues to cheer and applause Jack. ]

Jack Nicholson: Thank you. Why don’t you leave this nice lady alone?

Helen Hunt: You know, Jack? Thank God! They’ve been assaulting me with horrible Nicholson impressions.

[ Jim brushes Helen aside. ]

Jim Breuer: Excuse me? Mr. Nicholson, how you doing?

[ Jim wags his tongue out of both cockiness and nervousness. ]

Jim Breuer: Jim Breuer here. Just wanted to know – what do you think of my impression?

[ Jack removes his trademark shades. ]

Jack Nicholson: You want to know the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

[ Jim’s jaw drops. He places his hands in his pockets and shies away from Nicholson. ]

Helen Hunt: We got a great show! Hanson is here! So stick around! We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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