SNL Transcripts: Helen Hunt: 12/13/97: Helen Hunt’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 9

97i: Helen Hunt / Hanson

Helen Hunt’s Monologue

…..Helen Hunt
…..Jack Nicholson
…..Jim Breuer
…..Darrell Hammondv…..Tim Meadows
…..Cheri Oteri
…..Colin Quinn

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Helen Hunt!

[ Cheers and applause from audience. ]

Helen Hunt: Thank you very much. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! This has been a really exciting week. Tonight, I’m fulfilling a lifelong, personal dream: getting to work with Hanson! In fact – in fact – few people don’t know this but I’m actually the oldest Hanson!

[ CUT TO: A manipulated photo of Helen rehearsing with Hanson. ]

Helen Hunt (V/O): Can you see it? I bet you can.

[ Back to Home Base. ]

Helen Hunt: I’m also excited because my new movie, “As Good as it Gets” with Jack Nicholson, opens next week. It was so amazing working with him –

[ Jim Breuer bursts onto Home Base. ]

Jim Breuer: “Wait till they get a load of me!”

[ He places his arm around Helen. ]

Jim Breuer: “Here’s Johnny!”

Helen Hunt: Jim Breuer, everybody! Yes, that’s good.

[ Jim removes his arm to compose himself. ]

Jim Breuer: “You know, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!”

Helen Hunt: Yes, yes, that’s great! It’s a really good Nicholson impersonation –

Jim Breuer: “Wendy…”

Helen Hunt: Never heard one of those ones before…

Jim Breuer: “Give me the bat!”

Helen Hunt: Yeah, okay, but the thing was, I was –

Jim Breuer: “You didn’t let me finish!”

Helen Hunt: Jim, please, you obviously respect…

Jim Breuer: “I said, I’m not going to hurt you!”

Helen Hunt: …Jack Nicholson and so do I, that’s great, but…

Jim Breuer: “WENDY!”

Helen Hunt: …I don’t know that now’s a great time to be doing this.

Jim Breuer: “Give me the bat, Wendy!”

Helen Hunt: Okay! We get it, Jim. You can do Nicholson!

Jim Breuer: “WENDY!”

[ Darrell Hammond joins in. ]

Darrell Hammond: “Wait till they get a load of me!”

Helen Hunt: That’s great Darrell! That’s great!

Darrell Hammond: Hi, Helen!

Helen Hunt: Hi, yeah…

Darrell Hammond: “I’m just your typical, horny little devil!”

Helen Hunt: Sounded more like Christian Slater, but…

Darrell Hammond: What?

Jim Breuer: “I am not an animal! I’m a human being for crying out loud!”

Helen Hunt: What are you doing!?

Jim Breuer: It’s Jack Nicholson from “The Elephant Man.”

Helen Hunt: Nicholson was not even in that movie!

Jim Breuer: Oh, yes he was!

Helen Hunt: Okay, let’s not argue.

[ Colin Quinn joins in. ]

Colin Quinn: Helen, ask me what I had for lunch today.

Helen Hunt: No!

Colin Quinn: Come on, just ask me…

Helen Hunt: Fine. What did you have for lunch today?

[ Colin holds his hair as if it were slicked like Nicholson. ]

Colin & Helen: “I had a chicken salad sandwich!”

Helen Hunt: Yes. Somehow, I thought maybe you’d be above this. Silly me.

[ Cheri Oteri joins in. ]

Cheri Oteri: Hi, Helen! You look nice.

[ Cheri holds her bangs back. ]

Cheri Oteri: “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!”

Helen Hunt: Not you, too! How could this happen?

[ Tim Meadows joins in. ]

Tim Meadows: Hey, Helen! Check this out…

[ Tim places his hand on his forehead. ]

Tim Meadows: “Here’s Johnny!”

Helen Hunt: Yeah, yeah, that’s great! Because that’s really gonna fool him!

Cast: [repeatedly] “Here’s Johnny!”

Helen Hunt: Okay, the thing is…

[ The spotlight shines on the host entrance as Nicholson himself emerges. The audience goes into hysterics upon seeing the Oscar-winning actor. ]

Jack Nicholson: Why don’t, why –

[ The audience continues to cheer and applause Jack. ]

Jack Nicholson: Thank you. Why don’t you leave this nice lady alone?

Helen Hunt: You know, Jack? Thank God! They’ve been assaulting me with horrible Nicholson impressions.

[ Jim brushes Helen aside. ]

Jim Breuer: Excuse me? Mr. Nicholson, how you doing?

[ Jim wags his tongue out of both cockiness and nervousness. ]

Jim Breuer: Jim Breuer here. Just wanted to know – what do you think of my impression?

[ Jack removes his trademark shades. ]

Jack Nicholson: You want to know the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

[ Jim’s jaw drops. He places his hands in his pockets and shies away from Nicholson. ]

Helen Hunt: We got a great show! Hanson is here! So stick around! We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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