Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 9
Helen Hunts Monologue
…..Darrell Hammondv…..Tim Meadows
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Helen Hunt![ Cheers and applause from audience. ]
Helen Hunt: Thank you very much. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! This has been a really exciting week. Tonight, Im fulfilling a lifelong, personal dream: getting to work with Hanson! In fact – in fact – few people dont know this but Im actually the oldest Hanson![ CUT TO: A manipulated photo of Helen rehearsing with Hanson. ]
Helen Hunt (V/O): Can you see it? I bet you can.[ Back to Home Base. ]
Helen Hunt: Im also excited because my new movie, As Good as it Gets with Jack Nicholson, opens next week. It was so amazing working with him –
Jim Breuer: Wait till they get a load of me![ He places his arm around Helen. ]
Jim Breuer: Heres Johnny!
Helen Hunt: Jim Breuer, everybody! Yes, thats good.[ Jim removes his arm to compose himself. ]
Jim Breuer: You know, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!
Helen Hunt: Yes, yes, thats great! Its a really good Nicholson impersonation –
Jim Breuer: Wendy…
Helen Hunt: Never heard one of those ones before…
Jim Breuer: Give me the bat!
Helen Hunt: Yeah, okay, but the thing was, I was –
Jim Breuer: You didnt let me finish!
Helen Hunt: Jim, please, you obviously respect…
Jim Breuer: I said, Im not going to hurt you!
Helen Hunt: …Jack Nicholson and so do I, thats great, but…
Jim Breuer: WENDY!
Helen Hunt: …I dont know that nows a great time to be doing this.
Jim Breuer: Give me the bat, Wendy!
Helen Hunt: Okay! We get it, Jim. You can do Nicholson!
Jim Breuer: WENDY![ Darrell Hammond joins in. ]
Darrell Hammond: Wait till they get a load of me!
Helen Hunt: Thats great Darrell! Thats great!
Darrell Hammond: Hi, Helen!
Helen Hunt: Hi, yeah…
Darrell Hammond: Im just your typical, horny little devil!
Helen Hunt: Sounded more like Christian Slater, but…
Darrell Hammond: What?
Jim Breuer: I am not an animal! Im a human being for crying out loud!
Helen Hunt: What are you doing!?
Jim Breuer: Its Jack Nicholson from The Elephant Man.
Helen Hunt: Nicholson was not even in that movie!
Jim Breuer: Oh, yes he was!
Helen Hunt: Okay, lets not argue.[ Colin Quinn joins in. ]
Colin Quinn: Helen, ask me what I had for lunch today.
Helen Hunt: No!
Colin Quinn: Come on, just ask me…
Helen Hunt: Fine. What did you have for lunch today?[ Colin holds his hair as if it were slicked like Nicholson. ]
Colin & Helen: I had a chicken salad sandwich!
Helen Hunt: Yes. Somehow, I thought maybe youd be above this. Silly me.[ Cheri Oteri joins in. ]
Cheri Oteri: Hi, Helen! You look nice.[ Cheri holds her bangs back. ]
Cheri Oteri: All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!
Helen Hunt: Not you, too! How could this happen?[ Tim Meadows joins in. ]
Tim Meadows: Hey, Helen! Check this out…[ Tim places his hand on his forehead. ]
Tim Meadows: Heres Johnny!
Helen Hunt: Yeah, yeah, thats great! Because thats really gonna fool him!
Cast: [repeatedly] Heres Johnny!
Helen Hunt: Okay, the thing is…[ The spotlight shines on the host entrance as Nicholson himself emerges. The audience goes into hysterics upon seeing the Oscar-winning actor. ]
Jack Nicholson: Why dont, why –[ The audience continues to cheer and applause Jack. ]
Jack Nicholson: Thank you. Why dont you leave this nice lady alone?
Helen Hunt: You know, Jack? Thank God! Theyve been assaulting me with horrible Nicholson impressions.[ Jim brushes Helen aside. ]
Jim Breuer: Excuse me? Mr. Nicholson, how you doing?[ Jim wags his tongue out of both cockiness and nervousness. ]
Jim Breuer: Jim Breuer here. Just wanted to know – what do you think of my impression?[ Jack removes his trademark shades. ]
Jack Nicholson: You want to know the truth? YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH![ Jims jaw drops. He places his hands in his pockets and shies away from Nicholson. ]
Helen Hunt: We got a great show! Hanson is here! So stick around! Well be right back!
Submitted by: Cody Downs