Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMACDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald![Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thankyou, I’m Norm Macdonald, and now the fake news. Ourtop story tonight:
This week, following revelations that he lied abouthis military service, the body of former diplomat andDemocratic contributor Larry Lawrence was removed fromArlington Cemetery. Commenting on the affair, an angryPresident Clinton called it, quote, “The mostoutrageous deception regarding one’s military servicesince me!” …
At a press conference this week, FAA officialsstudying last year’s crash of TWA flight 800,announced that they have pinpointed the cause: afrayed wire leading from the jet’s fuel tank.According to the investigators, the wire became frayedwhen it was struck by a missile. … That’ll – that’llfray a wire.
Golden State Warriors star Latrell Sprewell, suspendedlast week for attacking and choking his coach, hashired attorney Johnnie Cochran to represent him. At apress conference Tuesday, Cochran said his client didnot choke his coach, and even offered a reward to helpfind the real chokers. … [cheers andapplause]
President Clinton met this week with Chinese dissidentWei Jingsheng, a leading advocate of democracy inChina, who had been imprisoned and tortured for nearlyeighteen years. However, the meeting had to beabruptly cut short when the president learned that Mr.Jingsheng is broke. … [some applause]
At a congressional hearing this week, Republicansblasted Attorney General Janet Reno for her refusal toinvestigate White House fundraising. Responding tocriticisms, Reno said, “Wow! Some congressmen mustreally want their homes firebombed and run over bytanks, huh?” …
Well, our best wishes to North Carolina Senator JesseHelms, who at 76 years old, recently underwent surgeryto repair an old knee injury. Doctors say the senatorwill no longer need his cane for walking but Helmssays he will continue to use it to scare off youngwhippersnappers. … Nothin’ better than a cane toscare off young whippersnappers.
This week, computer hackers broke into Yahoo!, theinternet’s most popular website, and vowed to unleasha crippling computer virus if a fellow hacker is notreleased from prison. Experts warn that catching thesecyberterrorists will not be an easy task, and mayrequire the cooperation of both nerds AND geeks. …[some applause]
Well, President Clinton received an early Christmaspresent this week — an adorable Labrador puppy. Andpresidential historians say that it will be good forhis image. According to these scholars, in comparisonto a male dog, the president’s sex life will seemrelatively normal. …
Norm MacDonald: Well, the recent bailout ofSouth Korea by the International Monetary Fund ishaving ramifications that will be felt globally. Herewith a comment is our own Colin Quinn. Hey, Col.[Cheers and applause as we pan over to a drunken ColinQuinn who has loosened his collar and necktie andcarries a plastic cup of eggnog.]
Colin Quinn: Thanks, Norm. You know, Norm, theInternational Monetary Fund is abrout to bring –about to bring its own type — [glares at Norm whowatches him sadly] What?!
Norm MacDonald: [quietly] You had a little eggnog there, huh, Col?
Colin Quinn: [annoyed] Yes, I had a little eggnog. [tries to continue] The International MonetaryFund — [abruptly, to Norm] I’m sorry I don’t live upto your standards of supposed excellence in how toact. … My — I can’t — Ya sit here like its asophisticated part of the show or something. You know?[drops cup, spills egg nog on desk]
Norm MacDonald: Ah, you seemed to have a littlespill there, huh, Col?
Colin Quinn: [while trying to put eggnog backin cup with tiny red cocktail napkin] Sorry yourprecious little Update desk, from whence the oraclewill enlighten us, while all of us — you sit up onyour desk like the anti-hero or some contentiousCanadian — Leonard Cohen as Weekend anchor orsomething.
Norm MacDonald: Leonard Cohen? I don’t evenknow who that is.
Colin Quinn: [sighs] Don’t be ridiculous, Norm.You’re a ridiculous person. [stares at Norm, one elbowon desk clutching nearly empty cup of eggnog]…
Norm MacDonald: Look, Colin, you’d better watchout. You know, if Lorne sees this, you’re in bigtrouble.
Colin Quinn: [laughs] Yeah, we don’t want toupset the boss at the office Christmas party. He mightnot give us our little movie deals like the Roxburytwins or whatever the hell they’re supposed to becalled.
Norm MacDonald: Okay! All right! That’s enough!Get him out of here, guys. Come on.[Uniformed security guard enters wielding anightstick, grabs Colin’s hair and forces him facedown in the desk.]
Colin Quinn: [struggles, face down in eggnog]Get off me! Get him off me, Norm!
Norm MacDonald: No, well, are–?
Colin Quinn: Get him off me!
Norm MacDonald: Are you gonna stop?
Colin Quinn: Get off me!
Norm MacDonald: Are you gonna stop?!
Colin Quinn: Get him off me and I’ll tellyou!
Norm MacDonald: Well, you just say you’re goingto stop first.
Colin Quinn: All right, Norm, I’ll stop.
Norm MacDonald: [to the guard] All right, lethim go.
Colin Quinn: Get him off![Guard pulls Colin to his feet and releases him. Colinstands there with eggnog running down his face as theguard exits.]
Colin Quinn: [points an accusing a finger atNorm] You’re messed up, Norm! You’re bush league,Norm! You’re lightweight! [Colin exits.]
Norm MacDonald: Colin Quinn, everybody. [Cheersand applause.]
Well, this week, after a Los Angeles restaurantrefused to seat him, O. J. Simpson demanded and gotfive hundred dollars in compensation. In addition, therestaurant must now offer separate “murderer” and”non-murderer” sections. … [cheers and applause][Pie chart graphic of poll results] Who are saferdrivers? Men or women? Well, according to a newsurvey, 55 percent of adults feel that women are mostresponsible for minor fenderbenders, while 78 percentblame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that thepercentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100percent because the math was done by a woman. …[crowd groans and boos] For those of you hissing atthat joke, it should be, uh, noted that that joke waswritten by a woman, so– … Now, you don’t know whatthe hell to do, do ya? … No, I’m just kidding, wedon’t hire women. Tel– … [applause]
Tel Aviv’s Hard Rock Cafe, which is sandwiched betweenthe sites of two gruesome suicide bombings, has closeddue to slumping tourism in Israel. Also contributingto the closing of the Hard Rock: the restaurant’s bestpiece of rock memorabilia is — [doctored photo offormer Secretary of State Henry Kissinger pointing toa mounted ukulele] — Henry Kissinger’s ukulele. So…
Well, a sad story from the world of entertainment thisweek. Actor Bob Bell, better known to millions as Bozothe Clown, has died at the age of seventy-five.Commenting on his passing, President Clinton said,quote, “You know, for fifty thousand dollars, he canbe buried next to JFK.” …
Finally, in entertainment news, there are rumors thatactor Don Johnson is dating 71-year-old San Franciscosocialite Denise Hale. An observer, who spotted thecouple necking in a restaurant, will have troublegetting an erection for the rest of his life. …
That’s the news folks, thanks![Norm unclasps the microphone from his necktie for thelast time: not long after, he is abruptly removed fromthe WU desk by NBC executives who apparently believed,based on ratings, that “Weekend Update with NormMacDonald” had become too sophisticated for SNL’s coreaudience and reassigned not only Norm butHarvard-educated segment producer Jim Downey. Music,cheers and well-deserved applause as we dissolve tothe WU graphic.]