Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 10
97j: Samuel L. Jackson / Ben Folds Five
Judge Judy…..Cheri Oteri
Byrd the Bailiff…..Tracy Morgan
Ordell Roby…..Samuel L. Jackson
Brenda Shank…..Ana Gasteyer
Byrd the Bailiff: Your Honor, this is Case #140: Roby vs. Shank. The parties have been sworn in.
Judge Judy: how was your weekend, Byrd?
Byrd the Bailiff: It was good. I seen “Amistad”.
Judge Judy: See “Mouse Hunt”, it’ll change your life.
Ordell Roby: [ piping in ] I saw “Mouse Hunt”, your Honor, it changed MY life, too..
Judge Judy: [ peeved ] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Sir! Is your name “Byrd”, Sir?
Ordell Roby: No, your Honor..
Judge Judy: Then shut your stinking trap, Sir! ‘Cause I’m Judge Judy, and I’m tough!
Byrd the Bailiff: [ mimicking ] She’s tough!
Judge Judy: But I’m fair.
Byrd the Bailiff: She’s talkin’ ’bout fair!
Judge Judy: Now, Mr. Roby, Sir, what is it exactly that you do for a living? What is your occupation?
Ordell Roby: Well, my primary occupation concerns the wholesalin’ of bullet proportion devices. But recently, I started moonlightin’ as a physical fitness trainer – or, in layman’s terms, your Honor, a Personal Trainer.
Judge Judy: Yeah, thanks for the clarification, Jack LaLanne.. Okay, now what seems to be the problem here?
Ordell Roby: Well, your Honor, my client has done refused to render payment for services rendered that I rendered to her in the week of December.
Brenda Shank: Your Honor, I hired Ordell to help me get back into shape, and he failed!
Judge Judy: Buh-buh-buh! I’ll tell you when it’s your turn to talk, you fat sack of fat! Continue, Ordell.
Ordell Roby: Your Honor, Miss Shank done succumbed to the pressure to become what the media dictates as the Ideal Woman – e.1., such as your supermodels and what not. You seem there’s only so much I can do with a white woman’s ass![ Byrd laughs ]
Judge Judy: You think that’s funny, Byrd?
Byrd the Bailiff: Uh.. no, Judge.
Judge Judy: There you go. Continue, Miss Shank.
Brenda Shank: Your Honor, he had me doing leg lifts while balancing an ashtray on my butt!
Ordell Roby: [ excited ] That exercise works the lower lumbar area, your Honor! And the ashtray merely provides resistance. It also allows me to enjoy me a filterless Camel, you know, while the interim’s going on.
Judge Judy: I’ll tell you what resistance is, Sir! Resistance is what’s keeping me from jumping over this bench and ripping that rat’s tail off of your chin! [ to Miss Shank ] Go on, Chunky Nut.
Brenda Shank: I also feel it is very inappropriate for a trainer to bring friends over during a workout!
Ordell Roby: [ alarmed ] Uh, they was professional spotters, Ma’am!
Brenda Shank: All they did was drink, run up my phone bill, and break my tea set!
Ordell Roby: Your Honor, that is a falsity!
Judge Judy: A what?
Ordell Roby: A falsity, Judge!
Judge Judy: Uh.. I see. You mean, as in.. untruthitude?
Ordell Roby: That’s it!
Judge Judy: Okay. Now I understandify. [ pause ] Byrd, I made a joke.
Byrd the Bailiff: [ laughs ] Judge made a joke![ Ordell Roby laughs with Byrd ]
Judge Judy: Thanks for the bone, fellas. So, Miss Shank, you felt you were in jeopardy, correct?
Brenda Shank: Yes. And I drew the line when my cardio workout meant dragging bags of money through airport security at 11:30 at night..
Ordell Roby: Uh, that’s really good for the gloots, your Honor!
Judge Judy: Ordell! Ordell, don’t pee on my shoe and tell me it’s raining, Sir!
Ordell Roby: I’m not peeing! I’m not..!
Judge Judy: Hey, buh-buh-buh! One minute, Ponytail! It sounds to me like you’ve got other activities going on besides personal training. Is that correct, Sir?
Ordell Roby: No, that’s an untruthitude, your Honor..
Judge Judy: No! Is that correct, Mr. Roby?
Ordell Roby: I wouldn’t say that..
Judge Judy: Answer the question, Mr. Roby!
Ordell Roby: Aw, come on, let me say my piece, you fine, fine, pretty lady, you!
Judge Judy: [ flattered ] Okay.
Ordell Roby: Thank you. Now, I do the best I can with my female clientele. Everybody wants to look sexy like Jackee! But what they don’t understand is there ain’t no amount of exercise gonna turn Shirley Hemphill into Toni Braxton. I mean, not every woman can keep a tight, fine body like yours, your Honor..
Judge Judy: Don’t you try to get on my good side, Sir! I’ve heard enough, I’m ready to rule!
ert the Bailiff: She’s ready to rule!
Judge Judy: Now.. I’ve had a lot of shysters come through my courtroom. But, Miss Shank, you take the cake. And it seems you also eat it.
Brenda Shank: [ appalled ] Your Honor!
Judge Judy: One minute, Cowpie! This man has done nothing but his personal best to find creative ways to get you in shape! And you have done nothing but put up walls to impede your progress! This court rules in favor of the Plaintiff, in the amount of $460 for the services rendered in the week of December. In layman’s terms – Ordell, you are the bomb, Sir.
Ordell Roby: [ exhilirated ] Judy, Judy, Judy!
Judge Judy: This court is dismissed! [ bangs gavel ]