Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 10
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Harry Carey…..Will Ferrell
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn![dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: You know how you go to your favorite bar, and your local bartender isn’t there? You ask, “Where’s Jeff?” “Jeff no longer works here, I’m Steve.” And you’re thinking, “Hey, who’s this idiot? I like Jeff.” But you still want your drink? And even though Steve doesn’t mix your drink the same way you’re used to, like Jeff, you still like the same bar, you don’t want to have to go to a different bar. And even Steve might feel kinda bad because Jeff trained him. Jeff showed him how to work the cash register, where the tonic was on the soda gun, who tips, who doesn’t….Well…I’m Steve. What can I get you? [cheers and applause]…Thank ah!…All right….Thank you.
On Thursday, Unabomber Ted Kaczynski tried to hang himself with his underpants, but the elastic broke. Kaczynski immediately sent a letter bomb to inspector number 12.
Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn were married in Venice on December 23rd. The couple wrote their own vows. Woody told Soon-Yi, “The heart wants what it wants,” while Soon-Yi promised, “Me love you long time.” [some applause]…There’s my Woody Allen movie. Uh…I needed two minutes, most of Woody Allen mov–
Bob Dylan and his son Jakob Dylan are both nominated for Grammys this year. Can you imagine growing up being Jakob Dylan? You’re out in the garage practicing with your band, your friends, you know? Your father comes out, “Hey, turn that noise down!” You’re like, “Dad, come on, you just don’t understand my music.” He’s like, “No, I do understand your music. I’m Bob Dylan. You stink. I said turn it down.”
In the February issue of Esquire magazine, O.J. Simpson said that, “If I had killed Nicole, it would have been because I loved her very much.”…And then he said, “And if I had killed Ron Goldman, it would have been because he accidentally witnessed me loving Nicole very much.”…Somebody should buy this guy a John Gray book, all right?
Kathie Lee Gifford defended the late Michael Kennedy this week, saying that the babysitter he slept with was actually 16, not 14. But you have to look at this from Kathie Lee’s perspective. She runs a sweatshop full of underaged labor, all right? At 16, you get your gold watch. To her, that’s old….You know? [applause and a few cheers] All right! Thank you. Thank alle!
Two Russian cosmonauts ventured into space for more than three hours to repair a broken lock on the Mir space station. Is that what it’s come to, folks? You need to lock your doors in outer space? All right?
Last week, President Clinton proposed sweeping changes to Medicare. He wants to lower the age of eligibility to 55 for people who have lost their jobs. The President, who will be 55 when his term ends, said, “It just seemed like the smart thing to do.”
Chicago scientist Richard Seed is ready to start cloning. The physicist plans to clone a human baby by the year 2000. Now, a lot of groups who want to ban cloning research altogether. Why? We’re almost clones now. These scientists are just finishing up what the Gap started. Trust me, we don’t want cloning. We don’t really – want to really know who we are. And more importantly, we don’t want to know what we really look like. We can’t handle it. If you saw your clone…walking down the street in a pair of white shorts from behind, you’d kill yourself….You know? You’d be like, “Who’s that fat pig?” “That’s your clone.” “Ohhh, that’s me?” You know? Hey, cloning is fine if you’re Einstein. But if you spend every Saturday night sitting on your front porch in a children’s wading pool reading a…biography of Lenny Dykstra while the neighborhood kids shoot paintballs at you…now, we don’t need another you. One of you is plenty, all right?
As we all know, Jerry Seinfeld is leaving his top-rated show, citing his desire to return to New York and do stand-up. In a related story, Tony Danza announced that he would be leaving his show, citing the fact that it was cancelled and all the furniture was taken out of his office. [some applause]
And now with a look back at 1997 is our good friend, Hall-of-Fame broadcaster Harry Caray.[pan over to Harry]
Harry Caray: Hey everybody, Harry Caray here! Well, as you know, 1997 was quite a year! A lot of things happened: some good, some bad. Mother Teresa died. That wasn’t good. Unless you hated Mother Teresa. I, myself, was not a fan of hers, don’t ask why! We were like oil and water; we didn’t mix. In the world of sports, Mike Tyson bit a man’s ear off. I don’t know what all the hoopla was about. I’ve actually bit a man’s ear off on several occasions! And I’m not proud of it, but it helped me out of many a jam! In Scotland, they cloned a sheep, which a lot of people thought was fun….Hey, what if…hey!…Hey! If I was a scientist, you know what I would clone? Hot dogs!
Colin: [not surprised] Really?
Harry: Think of all the possibilities, Norm! [Colin starts laughing to himself] Imagine, a world with…[doesn’t realize that Colin is now the anchor] Hey, what’s going on? [some applause]…Imagine…hold on! Imagine a world, uh…of – with an endless supply of hot dogs! You could have a hot dog anytime you wanted!
Colin: Well, Harry, you can do that pretty much now.
Harry: They’d be so abundant, they’d become our currency! 20 hot dogs would equal roughly a nickel. Depending on the strength of the yen, I’m not quite sure, but…you know what, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s just keep praying that we can clone one of these hot dogs.
Colin: [sighs] All right, Harry. What else happened in ’97?
Harry: Hey, Norm! Did you gain weight?
Colin: Actually, Harry, I’m Colin.
Harry: Hey! If you were a hot dog…and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
Harry: I know I would! First, I’d smother myself with brown mustard and relish. I’d be so delicious!…So would you?
Colin: I don’t know.
Harry: Don’t jerk me around, Norm! It’s a simple question! A baby could answer it! If you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself? [some applause and cheers]
Colin: [complying] I guess so.
Harry: Oh, you made a wise choice, my friend! If you had said no, I would have bitten your ear off! I would have come at you like a tornado made of arms and teeth. And – and fingernails.
Colin: So anything else happen in 1997?
Harry: No, I covered everything!
Colin: Harry Caray, everybody!
Harry: Cubs win! Cubs win!
Colin: I’m Colin Quinn, and that’s the story I’m going with. Thank you![Harry claps, then Colin and Harry shake hands] [fade to black]