Buffy the Vampire Slayer


Buffy the Vampire Slayer

George Costanza…..Darrell Hammond
Jerry Seinfeld…..Will Ferrell
Cosmo Kramer…..Jim Breuer
Buffy…..Sarah Michelle Gellar

[Open on Seinfeld logo]

Announcer: “Seinfeld” is going off the air. [The logo disappears as a TV turning off. A question mark comes into view] Wondering what to watch on Thursday Nights? [The WB logo comes into view] This fall, it’s The WB that’s must see! [The WB logo becomes a watermark on the bottom right of the screen, revealing the Buffy logo] You’ll forget all about “Seinfeld”, because “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” is moving to Thursday Nights at 9 PM! And it’s got a whole new look! [Fade to shots of New York at night] Buffy’s in New York City now, and she’s facing a whole new vampire threat!

[Fade to Jerry Seinfeld’s apartment. The familiar bass lick plays. George is sitting on the couch. Jerry emerges from the kitchen.]

George: Jerry, how was your date with Cindy the other night?

Jerry: It was great, except for one thing…

George: What?

Jerry: One of her fangs is longer than the other one!

George: She has a freak fang?

Jerry: She has a freak fang!

George: Oh!

Jerry: She has an asymetrical fang situation!

George: Yeah?

Jerry: I was watching her eat, and it almost made me sick!

[Fade to shots of vampires in the city at night]

Announcer: Hell spawned creatures of evil, feasting on innocent human souls!

[Fade back to the apartment]

Jerry: Anyway, I got a date. I’ll…I gotta jump in the shower.

George: Hey, you know what you should try? Before you take a shower, turn into a bat. Shower as a bat.

Jerry: Why would I shower as a bat?

George: So you can save water! You’re a bat, you’re smaller, you save water in the shower, it’s genius!

Jerry: Who showers as a bat? How do you lather, rinse, repeat, when you’re a bat?

[Kramer enters the apartment and is greeted with audience applause]

Kramer: Hey, Jerry! I, uh…need to borrow your tape measure!

[Kramer goes into the kitchen, moving around spastically. He inadvertently knocks all the cereal off the shelf]

Jerry: What do you need a tape measure for?

Kramer: Listen to this, Jerry! I’m, uh…turning my whole apartment into one big coffin! That way I can sleep anywhere I want!

[Fade to shots of the city]

Announcer: When you’re a vampire slayer on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, terror lurks around every corner!

[Fade back to the apartment. The intercom buzzer rings. Jerry pushes the button]

Jerry: Who is it?

Buffy (V/O): It’s Buffy!

Jerry: Come on up!

[Jerry unlocks the door. Buffy enters, dressed–and whining–exactly like Elaine Benes. She shoves Jerry a few times.]

Buffy: Ugh! I had the worst day today! Hellooooo!

Jerry: What happened? Did you only slay five of my friends?

Buffy: [sarcastically] Ha, ha, ha, ha, no! Ugh, there’s this new vampire temp at work, and he is so annoying! [Buffy takes a water bottle out of the fridge] He makes this slurping noise when he sucks blood…all day long, it’s [slurp, slurp]

George: Wait, you’re working with a blood slurper?

Jerry: Maybe Blood Slurper should go out with Freak Fang. They’d make a perfect pair!

[Buffy shrugs her shoulders. Fade to a Seinfeld-style Buffy logo, as a bass lick plays again.]

Announcer: Thursdays at 9, catch the all-new “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”! It’s a show about nothing! And vampires!

Submitted by: doggans

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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