Buffy the Vampire Slayer
George Costanza…..Darrell Hammond
Jerry Seinfeld…..Will Ferrell
Cosmo Kramer…..Jim Breuer
Buffy…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
[Open on Seinfeld logo]
Announcer: “Seinfeld” is going off the air. [The logo disappears as a TV turning off. A question mark comes into view] Wondering what to watch on Thursday Nights? [The WB logo comes into view] This fall, it’s The WB that’s must see! [The WB logo becomes a watermark on the bottom right of the screen, revealing the Buffy logo] You’ll forget all about “Seinfeld”, because “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” is moving to Thursday Nights at 9 PM! And it’s got a whole new look! [Fade to shots of New York at night] Buffy’s in New York City now, and she’s facing a whole new vampire threat!
[Fade to Jerry Seinfeld’s apartment. The familiar bass lick plays. George is sitting on the couch. Jerry emerges from the kitchen.]
George: Jerry, how was your date with Cindy the other night?
Jerry: It was great, except for one thing…
Jerry: One of her fangs is longer than the other one!
George: She has a freak fang?
Jerry: She has a freak fang!
Jerry: She has an asymetrical fang situation!
Jerry: I was watching her eat, and it almost made me sick!
[Fade to shots of vampires in the city at night]
Announcer: Hell spawned creatures of evil, feasting on innocent human souls!
[Fade back to the apartment]
Jerry: Anyway, I got a date. I’ll…I gotta jump in the shower.
George: Hey, you know what you should try? Before you take a shower, turn into a bat. Shower as a bat.
Jerry: Why would I shower as a bat?
George: So you can save water! You’re a bat, you’re smaller, you save water in the shower, it’s genius!
Jerry: Who showers as a bat? How do you lather, rinse, repeat, when you’re a bat?
[Kramer enters the apartment and is greeted with audience applause]
Kramer: Hey, Jerry! I, uh…need to borrow your tape measure!
[Kramer goes into the kitchen, moving around spastically. He inadvertently knocks all the cereal off the shelf]
Jerry: What do you need a tape measure for?
Kramer: Listen to this, Jerry! I’m, uh…turning my whole apartment into one big coffin! That way I can sleep anywhere I want!
[Fade to shots of the city]
Announcer: When you’re a vampire slayer on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, terror lurks around every corner!
[Fade back to the apartment. The intercom buzzer rings. Jerry pushes the button]
Jerry: Who is it?
Buffy (V/O): It’s Buffy!
Jerry: Come on up!
[Jerry unlocks the door. Buffy enters, dressed–and whining–exactly like Elaine Benes. She shoves Jerry a few times.]
Buffy: Ugh! I had the worst day today! Hellooooo!
Jerry: What happened? Did you only slay five of my friends?
Buffy: [sarcastically] Ha, ha, ha, ha, no! Ugh, there’s this new vampire temp at work, and he is so annoying! [Buffy takes a water bottle out of the fridge] He makes this slurping noise when he sucks blood…all day long, it’s [slurp, slurp]
George: Wait, you’re working with a blood slurper?
Jerry: Maybe Blood Slurper should go out with Freak Fang. They’d make a perfect pair!
[Buffy shrugs her shoulders. Fade to a Seinfeld-style Buffy logo, as a bass lick plays again.]
Announcer: Thursdays at 9, catch the all-new “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”! It’s a show about nothing! And vampires!
Submitted by: doggans