Family Dinner Argument


Family Dinner Argument

Dad…..Will Ferrell
Daughter…..Sarah Michelle Geller
Mom…..Ana Gasteyer

[ open on suburban family sitting at the dinner table ] [ family makes a lot of noise with their forks and knives as the eat in disturbing silence ]

Dad: [ breaking silence ] How was school today, dear?

Daughter: Fine.

Mom: Did you have band practice today, or was Mr. Larson still sick?

Daughter: No, he’s still sick.

[ they continue to eat in silence, banging their knives and forks together as they eat ]

Dad: [ craving attention ] I had a.. funny thing happen today at work. When I left the office, I had trouble unlocking my car. Then I realized I had the wrong set of keys.

Mom: Did somebody take your keys?

Dad: [ annoyed ] Can I finish the story? [ pauses in stern silence ] It turns out that I had accidentally taken Jeff Peabody’s keys, and.. he had taken mine. We.. really had a long laugh.

Mom: Mmm, I thought that’s who took them..

Dad: Will you ever let me finish a damn story?!

Mom: I-I just assumed that Jeff Peabody –

Dad: I would love to finish one damn story!

Daughter: Your stories are lame, Dad!

Dad: [ angry ] You do not talk to me like that!

Mom: Do not raise your voice!

Shut up!!

Dad: You do not talk to me like that!

Daughter: I cannot believe –

Dad: I am a Division Manager!! That is very important!! That is very important!! You don’t talk to me like that!! People are scared of me!!

Daughter: Why would anybody be scared of you! I hate you, you big fat terd!

[ stunned, they continue to eat in awkward, confned silence ]

Mom: I spoke with Paula’s mother this afternoon.

Daughter: So?

Mom: I guess Paula’s really excited about the sleepover tomorrow night.

Daughter: Oh, shut up, you drunken witch!

[ they return to silence ]

Dad: Did you pick up my dry cleaning?

Mom: Hmm, it’s not ready until Thursday.

Dad: I thought you said it’d be ready today?

Mom: No, it’s going to be ready Thursday.

Dad: You know, I have that big meeting tomorrow.

Mom: Well, I’m sorry.

Dad: I wish you weren’t a liar!

Mom: I didn’t lie, Ted.

Dad: I wish you weren’t a liar!

Mom: I wish you wouldn’t call me a liar!

Dad: Don’t raise your voice at me!

Mom: I am not raising my voice!

Dad: You do not talk to me like that!! I work too hard to deal with this stuff!! I work too hard!! I’m a Division Manager in charge of 49 people!! I drive a Dodge Stratus!!

[ their screaming comes to an end, as the agonizing silence returns ]

Mom: Honey, do you want to go to Pottery class with me this weekend?

Daughter: I wish you were dead!

[ awkward silence, a struggle for a normal conversion ]

Dad: I’m gonna take the car into the shop tomorrow.

Daughter: You mean your lame Dodge Stratus?

Dad: You don’t talk about my car that way!!

Mom: Dear Lord..

Dad: I drive a Dodge Stratus!! You don’t talk about my Dodge Stratus that way!!

Daughter: Shut up!

Dad: You do not talk to your father that way!! I am a Division Manager!! I can do 100 push-ups in twenty minutes!!

Daughter: I’m going to Rob’s house! I hate you – both!

[ Daughter storms out of the house ] [ Dad grabs daughter’s plate, and seperates her food between him and Mom ]

Dad: This chicken is delicious.

Mom: It’s a recipe from Lipton Cup-a-Soup.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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