Family Dinner Argument
Dad…..Will Ferrell
Daughter…..Sarah Michelle Geller
Mom…..Ana Gasteyer
[ open on suburban family sitting at the dinner table ]
[ family makes a lot of noise with their forks and knives as the eat in disturbing silence ]
Dad: [ breaking silence ] How was school today, dear?
Daughter: Fine.
Mom: Did you have band practice today, or was Mr. Larson still sick?
Daughter: No, he’s still sick.
[ they continue to eat in silence, banging their knives and forks together as they eat ]
Dad: [ craving attention ] I had a.. funny thing happen today at work. When I left the office, I had trouble unlocking my car. Then I realized I had the wrong set of keys.
Mom: Did somebody take your keys?
Dad: [ annoyed ] Can I finish the story? [ pauses in stern silence ] It turns out that I had accidentally taken Jeff Peabody’s keys, and.. he had taken mine. We.. really had a long laugh.
Mom: Mmm, I thought that’s who took them..
Dad: Will you ever let me finish a damn story?!
Mom: I-I just assumed that Jeff Peabody –
Dad: I would love to finish one damn story!
Daughter: Your stories are lame, Dad!
Dad: [ angry ] You do not talk to me like that!
Mom: Do not raise your voice!
Shut up!!
Dad: You do not talk to me like that!
Daughter: I cannot believe –
Dad: I am a Division Manager!! That is very important!! That is very important!! You don’t talk to me like that!! People are scared of me!!
Daughter: Why would anybody be scared of you! I hate you, you big fat terd!
[ stunned, they continue to eat in awkward, confned silence ]
Mom: I spoke with Paula’s mother this afternoon.
Daughter: So?
Mom: I guess Paula’s really excited about the sleepover tomorrow night.
Daughter: Oh, shut up, you drunken witch!
[ they return to silence ]
Dad: Did you pick up my dry cleaning?
Mom: Hmm, it’s not ready until Thursday.
Dad: I thought you said it’d be ready today?
Mom: No, it’s going to be ready Thursday.
Dad: You know, I have that big meeting tomorrow.
Mom: Well, I’m sorry.
Dad: I wish you weren’t a liar!
Mom: I didn’t lie, Ted.
Dad: I wish you weren’t a liar!
Mom: I wish you wouldn’t call me a liar!
Dad: Don’t raise your voice at me!
Mom: I am not raising my voice!
Dad: You do not talk to me like that!! I work too hard to deal with this stuff!! I work too hard!! I’m a Division Manager in charge of 49 people!! I drive a Dodge Stratus!!
[ their screaming comes to an end, as the agonizing silence returns ]
Mom: Honey, do you want to go to Pottery class with me this weekend?
Daughter: I wish you were dead!
[ awkward silence, a struggle for a normal conversion ]
Dad: I’m gonna take the car into the shop tomorrow.
Daughter: You mean your lame Dodge Stratus?
Dad: You don’t talk about my car that way!!
Mom: Dear Lord..
Dad: I drive a Dodge Stratus!! You don’t talk about my Dodge Stratus that way!!
Daughter: Shut up!
Dad: You do not talk to your father that way!! I am a Division Manager!! I can do 100 push-ups in twenty minutes!!
Daughter: I’m going to Rob’s house! I hate you – both!
[ Daughter storms out of the house ]
[ Dad grabs daughter’s plate, and seperates her food between him and Mom ]
Dad: This chicken is delicious.
Mom: It’s a recipe from Lipton Cup-a-Soup.
[ fade out ]
