Goth Talk


Goth Talk

Circe Nightshade…..Molly Shannon
Azrael Abyss…..Chris Kattan
Glen…..Jim Breuer
Countess Cabuella…..Sarah Michelle Gellar

Circe Nightshade: Welcome to Goth Talk, I’m Circy Nightshade!

Azrael Abyss: And I’m Azriel Abyss, the Prince of Sorrow.

Circe Nightshade: Prepare yourself children of the night, tonight we are going to take you spiraling DOWN DOWN DOWN into the ecstasy of the unearthly!

Azrael Abyss: The ecstasy of the unearthly! Weeeeee!

Circe Nightshade: But we have to be quiet because Azriel’s brother Glenn came home wasted from a beach party, and he’s hiding out behind the couch until The Prince of Sorrow’s parents go to sleep.

Glen: [ singing ] She’s got legs! And she knows how to use them…

Azrael Abyss: Glenn, you’re ruining our dark spell!

Glen: Shhh-za Yo! I was doin’ it that loud?? I’m sorry, listen, listen. I’ll be hiding under here, okay? Be cool.

Azrael Abyss: Agghhhh! Anyway…

Circe Nightshade: Let’s begin our decent into madness with a Goth Talk concert review! Azriel.

Azrael Abyss: Last Saturday, I saw a new Goth band called “The Grim Reaper” And theirs is a morbid elegy to the horrible squallow of life… I think. Actually I missed most of the show when I accidentally dropped my retainer. I spent most of the time looking for it on the floor.

Circe Nightshade: So, if you were at the show Saturday, and have found a most demonic retainer, please return it to the address below. *Address Flashes*

Azrael Abyss: I had it wrapped in a napkin, if I don’t find it my dad’s going to kill me! Rrrraarrr! Our guest tonight is the goddess of the Goth seen in nearby Orlando. She hosts her own show, a cable access show, it’s called, “Black Magic Kingdom.”

Circe Nightshade: She’s a dark destroyer of men and empires… and we used to go to tennis camp together.

Azrael Abyss: But her family moved away last summer. Rrrrrraaryyeee! Please welcome-

Circe and Azrael: Countess Cabuella!

Azrael Abyss: Come on in… Come on in… Come on in… Come on in… Come on in…

Circe Nightshade: It’s a dark, dark delight to see you again Cabuella! There’s been a void in my soul ever since your dad got transferred to that marketing job in the Hardrock Cafe.

Countess Cabuella: Yes, Circy, parting is such a fiendish little slice of death! But Countess Cabuella was actually pretty phyched to get out of Tampa. Orlando is much more sinister.

Circe Nightshade: Well, Tampa’s pretty sinister too! It’s at least as sinister as Clearwater, or Tarpon Springs!

Azrael Abyss: Ooooohhhh! Yes! It’s very sinister! They just opened a water-slide park downtown, a very macabre water-slide park!

Countess Cabuella: Don’t make me laugh! Ha. Orlando is much more sinister. Tampa’s Goth scene is lame. It’s pretty much just you two and that weird guy Azriel works with a Cinnabuns!

Azrael Abyss: Gordy’s a creature of the night!

Countess Cabuella: No, Gordy is a 32-year-old Eagle Scout that rides a Huffy!

Azrael Abyss: Eeeeeeeyaaaaa!

Circe Nightshade: Well, Cabuella, we can’t all live in Orlando and do dark things like work part-time at the Epcot Center!

Countess Cabuella: I only do that to pay for the clothes, Stephanie!

Azrael Abyss: Ooooo-Eeeee-Ooooo-Yeeeeaaa.

Circe Nightshade: My name is not Stephanie! It’s Circy Nightshade, Denise! And anyway you can shove Orlando! I’m a hundred times more Goth than you are and I always have been!

Countess Cabuella: Yeah, you were real Goth when you modeled pajamas for Pic-and-Save.

Circe Nightshade: Oh, yeah, well you sure were the Dark Mistress of the Night when you… lip-synched to Ace of Base in our 8th grade talent show!

Azrael Abyss: So, Countess Cabuella, you’ve brought a clip of your show with you. Does it need a setup?

Countess Cabuella: Sure, this is a clip of my show: “Black Magic Kingdom,” a show about real Goth. Something Circe wouldn’t know anything about.

Circe Nightshade: Well, let’s see then.. [ inserts tape ] Behold: The voluptuous horror of Cabuella.

[ tape shows Countess Cabuella singing Ace of Base’s “All That She Wants” ]

Circe Nightshade: Uhhhh, huh! Yeah, you were really Goth, Cabuella!

Countess Cabuella: You #*$%&!! Where’d you get that?

Circe Nightshade: You’re the #*$%&!!

Countess Cabuella: You’re a #*$%&!!

Circe Nightshade: You’re a #*$%&!!

Azrael Abyss: All right, the evening has come to a close-

Glen: Oh man! My car! I left my car…

Azrael Abyss: Until next time…Stay out of the daylight!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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