Circe Nightshade…..Molly Shannon
Azrael Abyss…..Chris Kattan
Countess Cabuella…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
Circe Nightshade: Welcome to Goth Talk, I’m Circy Nightshade!
Azrael Abyss: And I’m Azriel Abyss, the Prince of Sorrow.
Circe Nightshade: Prepare yourself children of the night, tonight we are going to take you spiraling DOWN DOWN DOWN into the ecstasy of the unearthly!
Azrael Abyss: The ecstasy of the unearthly! Weeeeee!
Circe Nightshade: But we have to be quiet because Azriel’s brother Glenn came home wasted from a beach party, and he’s hiding out behind the couch until The Prince of Sorrow’s parents go to sleep.
Glen: [ singing ] She’s got legs! And she knows how to use them…
Azrael Abyss: Glenn, you’re ruining our dark spell!
Glen: Shhh-za Yo! I was doin’ it that loud?? I’m sorry, listen, listen. I’ll be hiding under here, okay? Be cool.
Azrael Abyss: Agghhhh! Anyway…
Circe Nightshade: Let’s begin our decent into madness with a Goth Talk concert review! Azriel.
Azrael Abyss: Last Saturday, I saw a new Goth band called “The Grim Reaper” And theirs is a morbid elegy to the horrible squallow of life… I think. Actually I missed most of the show when I accidentally dropped my retainer. I spent most of the time looking for it on the floor.
Circe Nightshade: So, if you were at the show Saturday, and have found a most demonic retainer, please return it to the address below. *Address Flashes*
Azrael Abyss: I had it wrapped in a napkin, if I don’t find it my dad’s going to kill me! Rrrraarrr! Our guest tonight is the goddess of the Goth seen in nearby Orlando. She hosts her own show, a cable access show, it’s called, “Black Magic Kingdom.”
Circe Nightshade: She’s a dark destroyer of men and empires… and we used to go to tennis camp together.
Azrael Abyss: But her family moved away last summer. Rrrrrraaryyeee! Please welcome-
Circe and Azrael: Countess Cabuella!
Azrael Abyss: Come on in… Come on in… Come on in… Come on in… Come on in…
Circe Nightshade: It’s a dark, dark delight to see you again Cabuella! There’s been a void in my soul ever since your dad got transferred to that marketing job in the Hardrock Cafe.
Countess Cabuella: Yes, Circy, parting is such a fiendish little slice of death! But Countess Cabuella was actually pretty phyched to get out of Tampa. Orlando is much more sinister.
Circe Nightshade: Well, Tampa’s pretty sinister too! It’s at least as sinister as Clearwater, or Tarpon Springs!
Azrael Abyss: Ooooohhhh! Yes! It’s very sinister! They just opened a water-slide park downtown, a very macabre water-slide park!
Countess Cabuella: Don’t make me laugh! Ha. Orlando is much more sinister. Tampa’s Goth scene is lame. It’s pretty much just you two and that weird guy Azriel works with a Cinnabuns!
Azrael Abyss: Gordy’s a creature of the night!
Countess Cabuella: No, Gordy is a 32-year-old Eagle Scout that rides a Huffy!
Azrael Abyss: Eeeeeeeyaaaaa!
Circe Nightshade: Well, Cabuella, we can’t all live in Orlando and do dark things like work part-time at the Epcot Center!
Countess Cabuella: I only do that to pay for the clothes, Stephanie!
Azrael Abyss: Ooooo-Eeeee-Ooooo-Yeeeeaaa.
Circe Nightshade: My name is not Stephanie! It’s Circy Nightshade, Denise! And anyway you can shove Orlando! I’m a hundred times more Goth than you are and I always have been!
Countess Cabuella: Yeah, you were real Goth when you modeled pajamas for Pic-and-Save.
Circe Nightshade: Oh, yeah, well you sure were the Dark Mistress of the Night when you… lip-synched to Ace of Base in our 8th grade talent show!
Azrael Abyss: So, Countess Cabuella, you’ve brought a clip of your show with you. Does it need a setup?
Countess Cabuella: Sure, this is a clip of my show: “Black Magic Kingdom,” a show about real Goth. Something Circe wouldn’t know anything about.
Circe Nightshade: Well, let’s see then.. [ inserts tape ] Behold: The voluptuous horror of Cabuella.
[ tape shows Countess Cabuella singing Ace of Base’s “All That She Wants” ]
Circe Nightshade: Uhhhh, huh! Yeah, you were really Goth, Cabuella!
Countess Cabuella: You #*$%&!! Where’d you get that?
Circe Nightshade: You’re the #*$%&!!
Countess Cabuella: You’re a #*$%&!!
Circe Nightshade: You’re a #*$%&!!
Azrael Abyss: All right, the evening has come to a close-
Glen: Oh man! My car! I left my car…
Azrael Abyss: Until next time…Stay out of the daylight!