Dr. John Gray


Dr. John Gray

Dr. John Gray…..Norm MacDonald
Woman…..Sarah Michelle Geller
Man…..Will Ferrell

Dr. John Gray: Women talk to discover how they’re feeling.. through the process. And men, we talk to convey information. We’re like, “I want that football!”

[ cut to a man and a woman ]

Woman: John Gray helped us in our relationship. Now I know that Craig needs time to do his man things.

[ cut to Dr. John Gray ]

Dr. John Gray: We men will be working under the bonnet of our cars, and we’ll be like, “I have to change a tire! And.. and.. test the oil!” That’s what we men like to do. We like to go to our woodshops.. and saw a big.. two-by-fours.. and make ourselves a nice.. moosehead. That’s what we men do.

[ cut to the man and woman ]

Man: I need to be alone sometimes, and she didn’t understand that.

Woman: Then I heard the tape. And now I know he needs his football. And his wood.

[ cut to Dr. John Gray ]

Dr. John Gray: Women like to have things look pretty. They’ll have some irises and Queen-Annes lace, to create a spectacular floral arrangement. But we men, we will come home from work, and we’re like, “I want a steak! And a nice charming bottle of Merlaeux, and.. I’m a man! I need to watch my Monday evening football! Notre Dame is playing tonight! Give me my cup of beer!” Because football, is like a war. Think about it: we march down the field, we men, and we.. throw our long bomb. And marching, and bombs, are used in war. And.. pinks, and what-nots..

[ cut to the man and woman ]

Woman:Now I know that Craig needs to pretend he’s an Army man, and shoot grenades at the football guys. Which is why I give him time to do that.

Man: And she gives me that time, even though I’d rather spend it with her.

[ cut to Dr. John Gray ]

Dr. John Gray: One thing we men love.. is women. Am I right? That’s one thing all men love – big, curvy women, with their wonderful fannies. Big, wonderful fannies, don’t we love that, Men? Fannies and chests, that’s what we men love!

[ cut to the man and woman ]

Woman: John Gray taught me that there’s two kinds of men – Chest Men, and Fanny Men. [ whispering ] And Craig’s a Fanny Man!

Man: Yeah, I’m a.. huge Fanny Man.

Woman: I also learned that, besides the football, they love watching the punching guys.

Man: You mean Boxing.

Announcer: Finally, John Gray puts relationships in perspective, with his famous section on Hunting.

[ cut to Dr. John Gray ]Dr. John Gray: Men are hunters. We go to the woods, bestooned in the expressive flannels and sporty trousers. And we go there, we want to hunt our bears, and leopards, and elephants, and what-not.. with our big.. guns. We also like to chop wood, with an ax! And, of course, we like to wear a mesh t-shirt, because it gets hot out there, you know.. Then we’ll drink a, you know, a nice glass of lemonade, or soda.. because we have to be men!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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