Eye on Nagano


Eye on Nagano

Verne Lundquist…..Darrell Hammond
Brian Boitano…..Will Ferrell
Kerri Strug…..Chris Kattan
Tara Lipinsky…..Sarah Michelle Geller

Verne Lundquist: Not since Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding have weseen such firece rivalry between two Olympic hopefuls. Today, MichelleKwan and Tara Lipinsky go head-to-head on the Road to Nagano! Hi, I’mVerne Lundquist, and joining me this afternoon is a man who knows a little something about figure skating – 1988 Olympic gold medalist, Brian Boitano.

Brian Boitano: Vern, I’m practically pulling my hair out withexcitement! These two champions – Kawn and Lipinsky – are like two blossoming flowers waiting to be picked. [ casually puts his arm around Verne ] Come Olympics time, there will only be one flower in that golden vase!

Verne Lundquist: Rarely have I seen two skaters more evenly matched technically and artistically.

Brian Boitano: Verne, their talent scares me to death. Itfrightens me to death!

Verne Lundquist: Let’s go to Michelle Kwan, as she’s about to start her short program!

[ cut to video footage of Michelle Kwan ice-skating ]

Brian Boitano: There she is, she’s just electrifying!
Look at her, she’s having a lot of fun out there. I can’t believe her triple-toe lift! You know, Verne, usually execution is everything, but tonight it’s all about skating from the heart.

[ cut back to Brian and Verne ]

Verne Lundquist: Kwan’s seven perfect scores last week proved that her U.S. title was no fluke.

Brian Boitano: Michelle Kwan is flawless today, Verne, and her perfection makes me question my own inadequacies.

[ Kerri Strug walks past ]

Kerri Strug: Hi, Verne! Surprised to see me?

Brian Boitano: Why, hello, Kerri. Folks, joining us, Kerri Strug.

Kerri Strug: I thought you might need an Olympic specialist. Well, the doctor is in!

Brian Boitano: Kerri, you’ve experiecned the joy they call Olympics. What can Michelle Kwan expect to encounter?

Kerri Strug: Take it from me, Brian – Olympic competitioncan be pretty.. [ winces ] ..stressful. But it’s not quite asstressful as trying to find a way to make a living now.

Verne Lundquist: Well, I’m sure you’ll do fine, Kerri. Once achampion, always a champion!

Kerri Strug: Thanks. Verne, if Michelle Kwan and Tara Lipinsky can stay focused, 1998 will be the best Winter Olympics of all! Go U.S.A.! [ jumps and injures her knee ] Ow!

Verne Lundquist: Wow.. Michelle Kwan’s main competition, Tara Lipinsky, took an unexpected and disappointing fall in the U.S. Championship last week. The question is, can Tara Lipinsky mentally recover in time for Nagano?

Brian Boitano: Well, we’re about to find out, Verne, because joining us right now is Tara Lipinsky. [ Tara saunters forward, puffing on a cigarette ] Girlfriend, now you know that I think you’re Katarina Witt, Aksana Viule, and Elvis Stojko all rolled into one. But I also know from experiecne that the fall like the one you took can be devestating. How are you?

Tara Lipinsky: How am I?! How do you think I am?! I fell on national television! I worked my as off to become world champion, and now I’m this close to blowing my whole skating career! I only fell! It’s not like I choked my coach!

Brian Boitano: Tara, your fourth element – the Triple Flip – every time I see it, I think the same: That girl can skate!

Tara Lipinsky: Is that all you can come up with, Brian? I guess you don’t have to be that smart to be a commentator.

Brian Boitano: Ouch! Bring out the cat-scratching post.

Verne Lundquist: Or perhaps a dish of milk! Tara, I understand that one of your idols is Nancy Kerrigan.

Tara Lipinsky: Sure. She was my idol.. until I fell. But now Iknow how it is to be the underdog, which is why my new idol is Tonya Harding. I hung out with Jeff Gillooly, and, take it from me, he’s good people.

Verne Lundquist: Good people.

Brian Boitano: Tara, seeing you like this, two words come to mind: True Champion.

Loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen – Tara Lipinsky.

Tara Lipinsky: [ stomps out her cigarette ] Damn! I gotta go skate! [ glides away ]

Verne Lundquist: Tara Lipinsky. Clearly not herself today.

Brian Boitano: But looking fabulous as ever. And here she goes.

[ cut to Tara preparing to skate on the ice, as her theme song, “Bad to the Bone” starts to play. On the ice, Tara flashes her ass to the judges and drinks a beer ]

Tara Lipinsky: What the hell are you looking at?! [ sticks up her middle finger toward the judges ]

Brian Boitano: Tara Lipinsky. Making our team proud.

Verne Lundquist: She certainly does. See you in Nagano!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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