1997

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

… Colin Quinn
O. J. Simpson … Tim Meadows


[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We flyinto the impenetrable discharge of twosmokestacks.]

Announcer: And now, from the news capital ofthe world, it’s “Weekend Update with ColinQuinn.”

[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of NewYork from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / withCOLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve toStudio 8H and Colin Quinn seated at the WUdesk.]

Colin Quinn: Good evening, I’m Colin Quinn. Idon’t see why there should be any problem.

It was announced this week that NBC will spendthirteen million dollars an episode for the hospitaldrama “ER.” Meanwhile, on the set of “Chicago Hope,”the cast is anxiously awaiting the arrival of theirnew soda machine. …

[Photo of presidential accuser Paula Jones] Clintonsat across from Paula Jones today, as he gave hisdeposition in her sexual harassment suit. He said, “Inever exposed myself to this woman. The woman Iexposed myself to was kind of skanky, with a badperm.” [Photo of a younger, frizzier Paula Jones] …[applause] Ah!

[Photo of elderly John Glenn] NASA announced that,next fall, former astronaut John Glenn will once againorbit the earth. The senator, now 77, says he’s readyfor another venture into the unknown. I would say he’spretty close to that anyway. … He’ll be the firstman to break his hip in space. …

FOX got the rights to the NFC, CBS got the rights tothe AFC, and NBC retains the rights to all of EdMarinaro’s TV movies. [Photo of former NFL runningback turned actor Ed Marinaro] …

After twenty-seven years of broadcasting “Monday NightFootball,” Frank Gifford was replaced by BoomerEsiason. Let me tell you something. If you lose yourjob to a guy named Boomer, you are a Jeff Foxworthyjoke waiting to happen. …

Christian Slater, currently serving a ninety day jailsentence, was released for one night to attend thepremiere of his new film, “Hard Rain.” Twenty minutesinto the movie, Mr. Slater asked to be escorted backto his cell. … [applause]

[Photos of two crooks] In New York this week, threegunmen stole 1.6 million from the World Trade Centerin broad daylight. On their way out, they took theirmasks off in front of thirty security cameras and thenwent home and hung out in their neighborhood wherethey were later arrested. Authorities say they wereeasy to spot because of their distinctive walk –caused by their huge balls. … [applause] On atrue personal note, these guys grew up in myneighborhood. I knew these guys. I went to school withone of these guys — the one that went to school. But,you know … The years go by, you lose touch, you goyour separate ways, but it all works out — here weare all these years later working together on TV. …I knew them, I swear.

South Korea elected a Roman Catholic President lastweek. You know what that means: no dog on Friday. …[groans] Ah, I guess I won’t be going to my local delitonight for anything.

Saw the Spice Girls on “Letterman” — they had backupsingers. Hey, I don’t want to judge anybody but ifthere are five of you and you just sing and don’t playinstruments and you need backup singers — there’ssomething wrong. … [applause]

[Headline: “Walter E. Diemer; Inventor of Bubble Gum”]The inventor of bubble gum died this week. His bodywas found stuck under a movie seat. … [Colin ismomentarily confused by a switch of cameras]Oh!

Karla Faye Tucker is scheduled to be the first womanin this century to be executed. This woman committedmurders with a pickax and said she had an orgasm everytime she struck. First of all, I’m sure she was fakingsome of those. … Second of all, you have to feel badfor this woman ‘cuz I read in the L.A. Times she was arunaway, she had a drug habit when she was ten, andshe toured with the Allman Brothers when she wasthirteen. I mean, think about that, all right? You’rethirteen years old, you still smell like baby powder,you’re suppose to be playin’ “Spin the Bottle.”Instead, you’re in a tour bus, Greg Allman steals yourdiary, reads it out loud, everybody’s laughin’ at you.You have your first period, there’s no one to tellexcept Dickey Betts. He’s like, [Dickey Bettsimpression:] “Miss, this is a beautiful moment in ayoung girl’s life, you know.” [zero response fromcrowd, Colin is momentarily flustered] Well, mm …[gestures to the crowd not to attempt pity applause]Nope. …

Roseanne and her third husband, Ben Thomas, aregetting a divorce. You know, if that couple ofwide-eyed, innocent kids couldn’t make it, what hopeis there for the rest of us? …

[Photo of Kevin Costner standing in front of a posterfor his horrible movie “The Postman.”] Actee! No moredirectee, no more writee, no more producee. Actee. …[cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank ah!

Recently released secret documents show that R. J.Reynolds used marketing techniques to attract littlekids to smoking. The most insidious plan they had wasto develop cigarettes that tasted like boogers. …But let’s face this, this has been going on for years.Remember gum cigarettes? Deviant behavior was muchmore acceptable when we were little. You know, you hadtoy cigarettes, toy guns, toy money. You’d takeBarbie’s top off, you play with her. Afterwards you’dsit around with a gum cigarette in your mouth. Youthrow her a Monopoly $20. “Here’s your money, baby,get out.” You know? …

Colin Quinn: Well, the Unabomber is undergoingpsychiatric examinations this week to determine if heis mentally competent to stand trial. Here, with acommentary on that, is Weekend Update’s newestcontributing editor, former Football Hall of Famer, O.J. Simpson.

[Cheers and applause for smartly-attired and extremelycheerful O. J. Simpson.]

O. J. Simpson: [very friendly, to Colin] Hey,man, how’s it goin’?

Colin Quinn: Uh, okay.

O. J. Simpson: [big smile] Yeah, you’re allright, man. … [to the camera] Now, is Ted Kaczynskimentally competent to stand trial for murder? Well,when making that determination, you have to look atthe motives for the alleged crimes. Now, let’s for amoment, say that the Unabomber DID kill numerousunsuspecting strangers by mailing them letter bombs.If that’s true, it would mean that he only did itbecause he loved them very, very much. … You see?Now, there are other examples of this in the news. Forinstance, Terry Nichols and Timothy McVeigh. Now, thisis not a case about a bomb blowin’ up a building. Thisis a case about two guys who just loved the buildingso much, they had to blow it up! You know?

Now, if we look back in history, there are otherexamples of this. Now, take for instance, Hiroshimaand Nagasaki. Yeah. Now, the United States didn’t dropthe bomb on those cities to end the war. They did itbecause they loved the Japanese people too much. Now,if in fact the United States DID drop the bomb onHiroshima and Nagasaki, which no one has proven — …In fact, I have two detectives workin’ full time tosolve that one. … And I promise you all, Iwill not rest until the real bombers are found.

Now, history has shown us on more than one occasionthat, uh, if you love something, it is okay to killit. … Like, for instance, the Titanic.

Colin Quinn: What do you mean?

O. J. Simpson: Well, you know, the iceberg –he loved the Titanic, you know? Now, if that icebergdid not love that ship, it could have never ripped theside of the ship and sink it. Now, how ’bout the Ebolavirus?

Colin Quinn: What are you talkin’ about?…

O. J. Simpson: Well, Colin, the Ebola virusloves flesh too much. That’s why it kills. You know?But I don’t see people suing the Ebola virus andtakin’ away its Heisman Trophy. … You know? Idon’t see people, you know, makin’ the Ebola virusmove to a smaller home in Brentwood. They don’t yell”Murderer!” at the Ebola virus whenever it goes andplays a round of golf. I mean, what kind of place dowe live in where a black man acquitted of murder can’tenjoy a nice, quiet dinner at a restaurant? Meanwhile,the Ebola virus is over at the other table, laughin’it up and eatin’ prime rib and enjoyin’ the company oftwo hot blondes, you know? … I don’t get it — but Iguess that’s America.

[turns to Colin, dead serious] You know what, Colin? Ilove you, man. …

Colin Quinn: [Colin doesn’t like the sound ofthat, after a pause] O. J. Simpson, everyone.

O. J. Simpson: [over the cheers and applause]Come on, baby.

Colin Quinn: I’m Colin Quinn, and that’s thestory I’m going with. Good night.

[Music. Colin and O. J. hug each other.Fade.]

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