Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 11
Barbara Walters…..Cheri Oteri
Glenn Close…..Ana Gasteyer
Meredith Viera…..Molly Shannon
Star Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Debbie Matenopoulus…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
[ background music starts ]
[ The View logo ]
[ hosts enter and sit at the table ]
Meredith Viera: Good morning, Im Meredith Viera and welcome to The View. We got a fabulous show today, right ladies?
Barbara Walters: Sure, we do Meredith. We surely do.
Meredith Viera: Okay, lets take a look at the news. Paula Jones went face to face with president Clinton today. He gave his disposition regarding her sexual harassment suit. Now Star, youre a lawyer…
Star Jones: Yes I am. Now President Clinton allegedly exposed himself to Ms. Jones and allegedly asked for sex and allegedly Ms. Jones said no, was disappointed the president, allegedly.
Barbara Walters: You know I was paired with Paula Jones in a three legged race in Larry Kings fourth of July barbecue bash and she assured me that President Clintons member had more twist and turns than a curly fries at Arbys.
[ audience laughs ]
Barbara Walters: It’s true.
Debbie Matenopoulus: Well, I just dont understand what the big deal is. I mean if a guy whips it out, you just have to be assertive and say like hey dont whip it out, you know?
Barbara Walters: You are very young Debbie… very very young.
Meredith Viera: [ clears throat ] Alright, this next story is amazing. A Chicago physicist, Richard Seed wants to open a clinic that would clone human babies. Amazing, right?
Star Jones: Now allegedly, hes going to clone a baby by the year 2000 and what this means is that hes gonna take a baby and using science hell make an identical baby to that baby really really soon
Barbara Walters: You know there are three people that I would clone. Albert Einstein, Diana princess of Whiz and Hugh Downs, my co-host this week on 20/20.
Debbie Matenopoulus: Well, if I had a clone Id make out with myself. I’m just kidding.
Barbara Walters: Do not speak again.
Meredith Viera: Our guest today is a big star. She is one of the big actresses in the world allegedly. Please welcome my girl, Glenn Close.
[ Glenn enters and sits down ]
[ everyone speaking at the same time ]
Star Jones: You are one of the whitest woman I’ve ever seen.
Glenn Close: I’m delighted to be here!
Barbara Walters: Glenn you have done so much, acted in award winning films, performed on Broadway only. One question remains… what do you think of me?
Glenn Close: Well Barbara, I admire you tremendously I’ve always
Star Jones: Oh oh! You know what I have to ask you about… I wanna ask you about that scene in the big chair, where you let your husband get that other lady pregnant. I could not do that, cause I am a do right woman and I’d have to have me a do right man.
[ everyone agrees ]
Meredith Viera: Oh, I have a question about John Malkovich.
Glenn Close: Whats that?
Meredith Viera: He is so sexy, uhh…
Glenn Close: Whats the question?
Meredith Viera: Oh, speaking of questions, it’s time for the question of the day. Okay, todays question comes from Marilyn Kimble of Tulsa, Oklahoma and, Glenn, this question should be really good for you. If you could change one thing about your face, what would it be?
Glenn Close: Well, uh… nothing. This face has served me very well… I think woman need to embrace the uniqueness of their flaws, wouldnt you all agree?
[ everyone is silent ]
[ everyone speaking at the same time ]
Star Jones: I would tell those doctors to suck some of these fats out of my neck.
Meredith Viera: Well thank you Glenn for coming by…
Glenn Close: Thats it?
Debbie Matenopoulus: Oh my GOD. You know what I just realized? You’re the mean lady from the 101 Dalmatians.
Glenn Close: Cruela Devile. Yes, Cruela Devile.
Debbie Matenopoulus: Now I know who you are! [ short pause ] You’re evil!
Barbara Walters: Stand over there. Go, stand over there
[ Debbie stands up ]
Barbara Walters: Quicker.
[ Debbie stands at the corner ]
Meredith Viera: Stick around. In our next segment, well be talking about female circumcision with Naomi Judd.
Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell