Neil Diamond…..Will Ferrell
Gary the Bass Player…..John Goodman
Kenny the Keyboard Player…..Tim Meadows
Neil: Hello, everyone. They told me before I came on this show, that I was supposed to tell the stories behind my most popular songs, and then play them. I said, “Cool let’s do it!” But, Gary over here was a little shy..
Gary the Bass Player: Now, come on, Neil, give me a break, man.
Neil: Ah, ha ha ha ha! This first song.. [ Kenny the Keyboard Player intros “Sweet Caroline”, crowd applauds ] Thank you. That, of course, “Sweet Caroline”. I wrote that song after a big show at the Forum. Gary and I had been drinking pretty heavily, and we were driving..
Gary: [ worried ] Oh, I can’t believe you’re gonna tell this story..
Neil: Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, well, we were driving down this dark road, and I hit a kid. [ the crowd is stunned ] So, we got out, and sure enough he was dead. So, we just took off. Pretty fast. And, two hours later, I wrote “Sweet Caroline”. Sweet Caroline. Good times never seemed so good. Thank you.[ crowd struggles to applaud, still stunned by the story ]
Neil: It gets crazy on the road, and awful lonely. That’s why I love pornography. This next song is all about my love of hardcore, barely-legal pornography. Gary knows what I’m talking about.
Gary: Yeaaahhh, he likes that really weird porno you can’t send through the mail. I’ll be honest. It ain’t cool, it creeps out the whole band.
Neil: Well, my bizarre, insatiable, and downright dangerous sexual habits led me to write this song. [ Kenny intros “Cracklin’ Rosie” ] Oh, Cracklin’ Rose, get on board. We’re gonna ride ’til there ain’t no more to go. We’re takin’ it slow. Let’s all do the best we can. And I can turn invincible if I really try-y hard! [ crowd barely applauds ] Uh, I can’t quite remember how that one goes. I-I gotta admit, I’m a little high. Kenny over here gave me some dynamite pills.
Kenny the Keyboard Player: Hey, come on, man..
Neil: Hey! Cool out! Just everyone cool out. COOL OUT!! [ pause ] This next song, you all might like. Few people know that I am fueled creatively by my massive hatred of immigrants. [ Kenny intros “America” ] Gary and I have gone on for hours about how much we hate foreignors. Right, Gary?
Gary: Leave me out of this, man.
Neil: NO, I WILL LEAVE YOU IN!! [ back to story ] Well, my love of this great and beautiful nation, and my hatred of all people with dark skin, led me to write this. On the boats and on the trains. They’re coming to America. Never looking back again. Just do the best you can! You hate your keyboard player because he’s black! Never had the courage to tell him sooo—AAUUGGHH!! AAUUGGH!! OW!!
Kenny: Hey, man, you’re a wreck!
Neil: Ow! Come on.. I think I tore some stitches. Come on, Gary, help me out..
Gary: No, that’s enough, Neil, man, you gotta chill out.
Neil: I’ll smack you in the mouth, I’m Neil Diamond!
Kenny: Okay, that’s it, I’m gone. That’s it. [ Kenny and members of the crowd exit ]
Neil: Wait! This next song, I wrote after I killed a drifter to get an erection. [ more members of the crowd exit ] Forever in blue jeans.. Where you goin’? Do the best you can. Reach for the stars like a champion. John Elway finally won—AAUUGGHH!! I put clown make-up on my penis, blue jeans. AAUUGGHH, AAUUGHH!!
Gary: Neil, Neil.. Come on, it’s over. Let’s go, buddy.
Neil: Ow! My heart! My, my ass! My heart and ass hurt. [ Gary pulls Neil off the stage, fade to title ]
Announcer: [ Music Outro: “I Am..I Said” ] This has been VH-1 Storytellers, with Neil Diamond.
Thanks to Dustin of Saturday Night Live ’97-’98for this transcript.