Morning Latte

Morning Latte

Cass van Rye…..Cheri Oteri
Tom Wilkins…..Will Ferrell
Frank…..John Goodman

Announcer: Good morning! Grab a cup and get ready to fill it with “Morning Latte!”

Cass van Rye: Wooo! Yeah! Yeah!

Tom Wilkins: Good morning! Welcome to “Morning Latte”, I’m TomWilkins!

Cass van Rye: And I’m Cass van Rye.. I think. I think I’m Cass van Rye!

Tom Wilkins: Yeah, you are! You’re Cass van Rye! You’re Cass van Rye!

Cass van Rye: Uh huh! huh! huh!

Tom Wilkins: We’re having just way too much fun here! You see our new producer, Frank Leonard, went fishing over the weekend and..

Cass van Rye: Oh, no no no! Don’t you tell the story, you’re just going to start cracking up again! Frank, tell them the story. This is great! Frank!

Frank: Well, really it was nothing, I just decided to go fishing so I called up foue of my best buddies and..

Cass van Rye: Oh! (to Tom) Did you go?

Tom Wilkins: No, didn’t get a call. Yeah.

Frank: Well, we were out in the boat, and I realized I forgot the bait so I.. I used a Fig Newton and caught a catfish.

[ Tom and Cass release crazed laughter ]

Cass van Rye: How funny is that? Come on! Woo! A Fig Newton. It’s not just a cookie, it’s fruit and cake!

Tom Wilkins: I know what it is. Yeah. Uh, how big was the fish, Frank? Was it about this big? [ makes a wide gesture ]

Frank: Oh no really, it was just a two pounder at best.

Tom Wilkins: Two pounds, that’s a hefty fish!

Frank: Oh, no, no, that’s just a little fish..

Cass van Rye: But a Fig Newton, come on! Cake and cookie!

Tom Wilkins: So, Cass, how was your weekend? Did you and Eli finally see “Good Will Hunting”?

Cass van Rye: No, I did something even better. I saw “Spice World!”

Tom Wilkins: Ooooohh! That’s supposed to be good.

Cass van Rye: Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Hey Frank, have you seen “Spice World” yet?

Frank: I don’t know what that is.

Cass van Rye: Well, you know what I found myself saying after I saw this film? “Move over ‘Hard Days Night’!”

Frank: No kidding?

Cass van Rye: Yes, these gals are fabulous. Yeah, they have got more talent that anything out of Britain or England!

Tom Wilkins: Wow.. Wow.. I better get on the stick. Did Eli like this film?

Cass van Rye: No, he walked out, but I took my two nieces: Bridget Rose and Delila. I don’t have kids of my own, but I do have nieces!

Tom Wilkins: That’s right. You can’t have kids because you’re not able.

Cass van Rye: I can’t have children because my ovaries arecrossed. [ waves her hands ]

Tom Wilkins: They’re not like this, they’re like this! [ crosses arms ] You are barren! There’s no kids coming out of this Sahara Desert, no way!

Cass van Rye: No.. no.

Tom Wilkins: No fruit!

Cass van Rye: No fruit, no. I am barren! Case closed. Case closed So, what did you and Gail do this weekend? Were you guys gearing up for the Olympics?

Tom Wilkins: No, we’ve just been basically riveted to this Clinton story!

Cass van Rye: What story?

Tom Wilkins: That’s what I wanna.. Has anyone heard about this? Get this! They are accusing the president of having an affair with an intern gal.

Cass van Rye: What?!

Tom Wilkins: Did you read about this?

Cass van Rye: No, I don’t care for newspapers. But I do get my news from “Hard Copy”.

Tom Wilkins: Fair enough, fair enough. And some folks are accusing the president of perjury! Of course perjury meaning..

Cass van Rye: Oh, to make a payment. [ gestures ]

Tom Wilkins: Uh, no. No, actually, it means to lie under oath.

Cass van Rye: To lie. [ big gesture ] Lie.

Tom Wilkins: Now we’re supposed to believe he’s been sexual with this Lewinsky gal? You gotta be nuts!

Cass van Rye: Come on!

Tom Wilkins: Look at her! She’s heavy, am I wrong?

Cass van Rye: No, no she’s..

Tom Wilkins: She’s heavy!

Cass van Rye: She’s plump. She’s a stout gal. Frank, what’s your take on it?

Frank: I don’t think her weight has anything to do with it, she’s not that heavy.

Tom Wilkins: I mean, I mean.. maybe the president was trying to get milk from her cause she’s a cow! No, hey, come on, I’m not trying to be funny here.

Cass van Rye: No.

Tom Wilkins: She’s a fat, fat, fat cow!

Frank: By the way, these are just allegations, and a little note, I don’t know if it’s fair to compare a heavy person to a cow.. that’s just my opinion.

Tom Wilkins: You know, they are just allegations right now.

Cass van Rye: True, true.

Tom Wilkins: But she’s a fat tub of goo! And I’ll bet shesmells! That’s just my opinion.

Cass van Rye: You know, I’ll tell you something. I do not want to smell her. I do not want to go near there.

Tom Wilkins: No, no.

Frank: You guys want to tell them who we’ve got on the show today? They might find that interesting.

Cass van Rye: We have the Queen of Soul..

Together: Ms. Bernadette Peters! [ singing ] “You had to be a Big Shot! Didn’t you? You had to..”

Tom Wilkins: I love that song!

[ Frank steps up behind them ]

Cass van Rye: Woo! Everybody, our producer – Frank Leonard!

Frank: I brought my fish in to show you.

Together: Oh!

Tom Wilkins: Where’s the rest of it! I can’t believe how small this fish is!

Cass van Rye: Oh this isn’t a big fish, Frank!

Frank: I.. I.. I know, but..

Cass van Rye: This is not a big fish! You kept going on and on about a big fish and this is not a big fish! You were bragging and bragging about how..

Frank: [ screaming ] I never said it was a big fish, you stupid bitch!! [ pause ] I mean.. uh.. I’m just kidding! Here! Take it, it’s a gift!

Cass van Rye: Oh, Frank!

Tom Wilkins: Ha Ha Ha!

Cass van Rye: How funny is that! Coming up next, Bernadette Peters!

Together: [ singing ] “I am woman, hear me roar!”

[ fade ]

Thanks to Dustin of Saturday Night Live ’97-’98for this transcript.

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