Morning Latte


Morning Latte

Cass van Rye…..Cheri Oteri
Tom Wilkins…..Will Ferrell
Frank…..John Goodman

Announcer: Good morning! Grab a cup and get ready to fill it with “Morning Latte!”

Cass van Rye: Wooo! Yeah! Yeah!

Tom Wilkins: Good morning! Welcome to “Morning Latte”, I’m TomWilkins!

Cass van Rye: And I’m Cass van Rye.. I think. I think I’m Cass van Rye!

Tom Wilkins: Yeah, you are! You’re Cass van Rye! You’re Cass van Rye!

Cass van Rye: Uh huh! huh! huh!

Tom Wilkins: We’re having just way too much fun here! You see our new producer, Frank Leonard, went fishing over the weekend and..

Cass van Rye: Oh, no no no! Don’t you tell the story, you’re just going to start cracking up again! Frank, tell them the story. This is great! Frank!

Frank: Well, really it was nothing, I just decided to go fishing so I called up foue of my best buddies and..

Cass van Rye: Oh! (to Tom) Did you go?

Tom Wilkins: No, didn’t get a call. Yeah.

Frank: Well, we were out in the boat, and I realized I forgot the bait so I.. I used a Fig Newton and caught a catfish.

[ Tom and Cass release crazed laughter ]

Cass van Rye: How funny is that? Come on! Woo! A Fig Newton. It’s not just a cookie, it’s fruit and cake!

Tom Wilkins: I know what it is. Yeah. Uh, how big was the fish, Frank? Was it about this big? [ makes a wide gesture ]

Frank: Oh no really, it was just a two pounder at best.

Tom Wilkins: Two pounds, that’s a hefty fish!

Frank: Oh, no, no, that’s just a little fish..

Cass van Rye: But a Fig Newton, come on! Cake and cookie!

Tom Wilkins: So, Cass, how was your weekend? Did you and Eli finally see “Good Will Hunting”?

Cass van Rye: No, I did something even better. I saw “Spice World!”

Tom Wilkins: Ooooohh! That’s supposed to be good.

Cass van Rye: Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Hey Frank, have you seen “Spice World” yet?

Frank: I don’t know what that is.

Cass van Rye: Well, you know what I found myself saying after I saw this film? “Move over ‘Hard Days Night’!”

Frank: No kidding?

Cass van Rye: Yes, these gals are fabulous. Yeah, they have got more talent that anything out of Britain or England!

Tom Wilkins: Wow.. Wow.. I better get on the stick. Did Eli like this film?

Cass van Rye: No, he walked out, but I took my two nieces: Bridget Rose and Delila. I don’t have kids of my own, but I do have nieces!

Tom Wilkins: That’s right. You can’t have kids because you’re not able.

Cass van Rye: I can’t have children because my ovaries arecrossed. [ waves her hands ]

Tom Wilkins: They’re not like this, they’re like this! [ crosses arms ] You are barren! There’s no kids coming out of this Sahara Desert, no way!

Cass van Rye: No.. no.

Tom Wilkins: No fruit!

Cass van Rye: No fruit, no. I am barren! Case closed. Case closed So, what did you and Gail do this weekend? Were you guys gearing up for the Olympics?

Tom Wilkins: No, we’ve just been basically riveted to this Clinton story!

Cass van Rye: What story?

Tom Wilkins: That’s what I wanna.. Has anyone heard about this? Get this! They are accusing the president of having an affair with an intern gal.

Cass van Rye: What?!

Tom Wilkins: Did you read about this?

Cass van Rye: No, I don’t care for newspapers. But I do get my news from “Hard Copy”.

Tom Wilkins: Fair enough, fair enough. And some folks are accusing the president of perjury! Of course perjury meaning..

Cass van Rye: Oh, to make a payment. [ gestures ]

Tom Wilkins: Uh, no. No, actually, it means to lie under oath.

Cass van Rye: To lie. [ big gesture ] Lie.

Tom Wilkins: Now we’re supposed to believe he’s been sexual with this Lewinsky gal? You gotta be nuts!

Cass van Rye: Come on!

Tom Wilkins: Look at her! She’s heavy, am I wrong?

Cass van Rye: No, no she’s..

Tom Wilkins: She’s heavy!

Cass van Rye: She’s plump. She’s a stout gal. Frank, what’s your take on it?

Frank: I don’t think her weight has anything to do with it, she’s not that heavy.

Tom Wilkins: I mean, I mean.. maybe the president was trying to get milk from her cause she’s a cow! No, hey, come on, I’m not trying to be funny here.

Cass van Rye: No.

Tom Wilkins: She’s a fat, fat, fat cow!

Frank: By the way, these are just allegations, and a little note, I don’t know if it’s fair to compare a heavy person to a cow.. that’s just my opinion.

Tom Wilkins: You know, they are just allegations right now.

Cass van Rye: True, true.

Tom Wilkins: But she’s a fat tub of goo! And I’ll bet shesmells! That’s just my opinion.

Cass van Rye: You know, I’ll tell you something. I do not want to smell her. I do not want to go near there.

Tom Wilkins: No, no.

Frank: You guys want to tell them who we’ve got on the show today? They might find that interesting.

Cass van Rye: We have the Queen of Soul..

Together: Ms. Bernadette Peters! [ singing ] “You had to be a Big Shot! Didn’t you? You had to..”

Tom Wilkins: I love that song!

[ Frank steps up behind them ]

Cass van Rye: Woo! Everybody, our producer – Frank Leonard!

Frank: I brought my fish in to show you.

Together: Oh!

Tom Wilkins: Where’s the rest of it! I can’t believe how small this fish is!

Cass van Rye: Oh this isn’t a big fish, Frank!

Frank: I.. I.. I know, but..

Cass van Rye: This is not a big fish! You kept going on and on about a big fish and this is not a big fish! You were bragging and bragging about how..

Frank: [ screaming ] I never said it was a big fish, you stupid bitch!! [ pause ] I mean.. uh.. I’m just kidding! Here! Take it, it’s a gift!

Cass van Rye: Oh, Frank!

Tom Wilkins: Ha Ha Ha!

Cass van Rye: How funny is that! Coming up next, Bernadette Peters!

Together: [ singing ] “I am woman, hear me roar!”

[ fade ]

Thanks to Dustin of Saturday Night Live ’97-’98for this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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