Cass van Rye…..Cheri Oteri
Tom Wilkins…..Will Ferrell
Announcer: Good morning! Grab a cup and get ready to fill it with “Morning Latte!”
Cass van Rye: Wooo! Yeah! Yeah!
Tom Wilkins: Good morning! Welcome to “Morning Latte”, I’m TomWilkins!
Cass van Rye: And I’m Cass van Rye.. I think. I think I’m Cass van Rye!
Tom Wilkins: Yeah, you are! You’re Cass van Rye! You’re Cass van Rye!
Cass van Rye: Uh huh! huh! huh!
Tom Wilkins: We’re having just way too much fun here! You see our new producer, Frank Leonard, went fishing over the weekend and..
Cass van Rye: Oh, no no no! Don’t you tell the story, you’re just going to start cracking up again! Frank, tell them the story. This is great! Frank!
Frank: Well, really it was nothing, I just decided to go fishing so I called up foue of my best buddies and..
Cass van Rye: Oh! (to Tom) Did you go?
Tom Wilkins: No, didn’t get a call. Yeah.
Frank: Well, we were out in the boat, and I realized I forgot the bait so I.. I used a Fig Newton and caught a catfish.
[ Tom and Cass release crazed laughter ]
Cass van Rye: How funny is that? Come on! Woo! A Fig Newton. It’s not just a cookie, it’s fruit and cake!
Tom Wilkins: I know what it is. Yeah. Uh, how big was the fish, Frank? Was it about this big? [ makes a wide gesture ]
Frank: Oh no really, it was just a two pounder at best.
Tom Wilkins: Two pounds, that’s a hefty fish!
Frank: Oh, no, no, that’s just a little fish..
Cass van Rye: But a Fig Newton, come on! Cake and cookie!
Tom Wilkins: So, Cass, how was your weekend? Did you and Eli finally see “Good Will Hunting”?
Cass van Rye: No, I did something even better. I saw “Spice World!”
Tom Wilkins: Ooooohh! That’s supposed to be good.
Cass van Rye: Yeah.
Tom Wilkins: Hey Frank, have you seen “Spice World” yet?
Frank: I don’t know what that is.
Cass van Rye: Well, you know what I found myself saying after I saw this film? “Move over ‘Hard Days Night’!”
Frank: No kidding?
Cass van Rye: Yes, these gals are fabulous. Yeah, they have got more talent that anything out of Britain or England!
Tom Wilkins: Wow.. Wow.. I better get on the stick. Did Eli like this film?
Cass van Rye: No, he walked out, but I took my two nieces: Bridget Rose and Delila. I don’t have kids of my own, but I do have nieces!
Tom Wilkins: That’s right. You can’t have kids because you’re not able.
Cass van Rye: I can’t have children because my ovaries arecrossed. [ waves her hands ]
Tom Wilkins: They’re not like this, they’re like this! [ crosses arms ] You are barren! There’s no kids coming out of this Sahara Desert, no way!
Cass van Rye: No.. no.
Tom Wilkins: No fruit!
Cass van Rye: No fruit, no. I am barren! Case closed. Case closed So, what did you and Gail do this weekend? Were you guys gearing up for the Olympics?
Tom Wilkins: No, we’ve just been basically riveted to this Clinton story!
Cass van Rye: What story?
Tom Wilkins: That’s what I wanna.. Has anyone heard about this? Get this! They are accusing the president of having an affair with an intern gal.
Cass van Rye: What?!
Tom Wilkins: Did you read about this?
Cass van Rye: No, I don’t care for newspapers. But I do get my news from “Hard Copy”.
Tom Wilkins: Fair enough, fair enough. And some folks are accusing the president of perjury! Of course perjury meaning..
Cass van Rye: Oh, to make a payment. [ gestures ]
Tom Wilkins: Uh, no. No, actually, it means to lie under oath.
Cass van Rye: To lie. [ big gesture ] Lie.
Tom Wilkins: Now we’re supposed to believe he’s been sexual with this Lewinsky gal? You gotta be nuts!
Cass van Rye: Come on!
Tom Wilkins: Look at her! She’s heavy, am I wrong?
Cass van Rye: No, no she’s..
Tom Wilkins: She’s heavy!
Cass van Rye: She’s plump. She’s a stout gal. Frank, what’s your take on it?
Frank: I don’t think her weight has anything to do with it, she’s not that heavy.
Tom Wilkins: I mean, I mean.. maybe the president was trying to get milk from her cause she’s a cow! No, hey, come on, I’m not trying to be funny here.
Cass van Rye: No.
Tom Wilkins: She’s a fat, fat, fat cow!
Frank: By the way, these are just allegations, and a little note, I don’t know if it’s fair to compare a heavy person to a cow.. that’s just my opinion.
Tom Wilkins: You know, they are just allegations right now.
Cass van Rye: True, true.
Tom Wilkins: But she’s a fat tub of goo! And I’ll bet shesmells! That’s just my opinion.
Cass van Rye: You know, I’ll tell you something. I do not want to smell her. I do not want to go near there.
Tom Wilkins: No, no.
Frank: You guys want to tell them who we’ve got on the show today? They might find that interesting.
Cass van Rye: We have the Queen of Soul..
Together: Ms. Bernadette Peters! [ singing ] “You had to be a Big Shot! Didn’t you? You had to..”
Tom Wilkins: I love that song!
[ Frank steps up behind them ]
Cass van Rye: Woo! Everybody, our producer – Frank Leonard!
Frank: I brought my fish in to show you.
Tom Wilkins: Where’s the rest of it! I can’t believe how small this fish is!
Cass van Rye: Oh this isn’t a big fish, Frank!
Frank: I.. I.. I know, but..
Cass van Rye: This is not a big fish! You kept going on and on about a big fish and this is not a big fish! You were bragging and bragging about how..
Frank: [ screaming ] I never said it was a big fish, you stupid bitch!! [ pause ] I mean.. uh.. I’m just kidding! Here! Take it, it’s a gift!
Cass van Rye: Oh, Frank!
Tom Wilkins: Ha Ha Ha!
Cass van Rye: How funny is that! Coming up next, Bernadette Peters!
Together: [ singing ] “I am woman, hear me roar!”
[ fade ]
Thanks to Dustin of Saturday Night Live ’97-’98for this transcript.