Monica Lewinsky/Linda Tripp Luncheon

Monica Lewinsky/Linda Tripp Luncheon

Linda Tripp…..John Goodman
Monica Lewinsky…..Molly Shannon
Waiter…..Chris Kattan
Vernon Jordan…..Tim Meadows
Bob Dole…..Dan Aykroyd

[ SUPER: “Ritz Carlton Hotel, January 13th, 1998, Pentagon City, VA” ] [ open on Linda Tripp seated at table, as Monica Lewinsky approaches ]

Linda Tripp: Monica! Monica Lewinsky! [ they hug, Linda’s fake flower/hidden microphone on her lapel emitting a high pitch ]

Monica Lewinsky: Ow!

Linda Tripp: You look nice.

Monica Lewinsky: Oh, thank you! [ removes jacket ] It’s my lucky dress! [ they sit ]

Waiter: What can I get you two lovely ladies to drink?

Monica Lewinsky: [ looking ] I’ll have a Bartyle’s & James.

Linda Tripp: I’ll have a Bloody Mary and two Double A batteries. [ Waiter walks away – Linda cocks her head to speak into her fake flower ] So.. former White House intern Monica Lewinsky! Hmm.. I enjoyed talking to you last night about your numerous sexual trysts with President Bill Clinton.

Monica Lewinsky: Oh, I’m really sorry about that. I really talked your ear off, huh? All those names, and dates, blah blah blah..

Linda Tripp: Well, actually, I was hoping we could talk about all that stuff again – but slowly, and a little bit louder.

Monica Lewinsky: You know, Linda, you have been such an amazing friend to me, and all I do is talk about myself. I want to hear what’s going on with you! Do you still want to get liposuction on your jowls?

Linda Tripp: [ covers her flower, emitting a high pitch ] Let’s talk about something else. Tell me what Vernon Jordan said to you.

Monica Lewinsky: Oh, my God! Okay, remember I told you that Vernon and I were talking? And he was giving me advice, and stuff?

Linda Tripp: Yes, yes. Go on. What did Vernon Jordan say?

Monica Lewinsky: He thinks you should get liposuction, too.

Linda Tripp: [ covers her flower ] Anything else?

Monica Lewinsky: [ whispering ] He also said.. he doesn’t think that I should tell anybody about how Bill and I used to.. [ jumps ] Ow! Did you just kick me?!

[ Vernon Jordan pokes his head up from under the table ]

Linda Tripp: Vernon Jordan!

Vernon Jordan: Hello, Miss Tripp. [ to Monica ] Hello, you unidentified young lady. [ winks ] I was just searching for my contact lenses down here. [ in Monica’s ear ] Listen.. ixnay on the ellitio-fay. Or there’ll be no job at evlon-Ray. Enjoy your meal! [ stands and walks away ]

Linda Tripp: Damn, those Democrats and their secret languages!

[ Waiter returns with the drinks ]

Waiter: Here’s your Bloody Mary.. and here’s your Bartyles & James.

Monica Lewinsky: Thanks. I love BJs!

[ Waiter walks away ]

Linda Tripp: Now, Monica, tell me about the sexual liasions you have with Preisdent Clinton at the White House.

Monica Lewinsky: Well.. okay. Last time I saw Bill was, like, right after Thanksgiving. He had this private screening of that movie “Titanic”. God, it was wild. That thing was so big and so long. I couldn’t believe it took two full hours for it to go down! It really surprised me when it bent in the middle..

[ camera pans right to reveal Bob Dole sitting at a table in the rear. He turns to face the camera. ]

Bob Dole: [ shakes head ] Bob Dole would never let the American presidency sink to this level. You know it, Bob Dole knows it.. the American people should have known it!

[ camera pans back to Monica and Linda ]

Linda Tripp: ..Alright, enough about the movie. Did you have sexual relations with President Clinton?

Monica Lewinsky: We already talked about that, Linda – the night that you told me that you boned that guy from the Promise Keepers in the bathroom fo the Smithsonian! Did he ever call you back?

Linda Tripp: [ covers flower, high pitch ] Enough about me! Did Clinton ask you to lie?

Monica Lewinsky: Well.. I’m not supposed to say.

Linda Tripp: That’s it! [ grabs Monica, pulls her up to the flower ] You tell this flower what you did! That you’re a dirty, dirty girl, and you had dirty, dirty sex with a dirty, dirty President!

Monica Lewinsky: No-o!

Linda Tripp: Say it! Or I’ll knock that dirty smile off your face! Say it!

Monica Lewinsky: Okay, okay! [ turns to the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

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