Monica Lewinsky/Linda Tripp Luncheon


Monica Lewinsky/Linda Tripp Luncheon

Linda Tripp…..John Goodman
Monica Lewinsky…..Molly Shannon
Waiter…..Chris Kattan
Vernon Jordan…..Tim Meadows
Bob Dole…..Dan Aykroyd

[ SUPER: “Ritz Carlton Hotel, January 13th, 1998, Pentagon City, VA” ] [ open on Linda Tripp seated at table, as Monica Lewinsky approaches ]

Linda Tripp: Monica! Monica Lewinsky! [ they hug, Linda’s fake flower/hidden microphone on her lapel emitting a high pitch ]

Monica Lewinsky: Ow!

Linda Tripp: You look nice.

Monica Lewinsky: Oh, thank you! [ removes jacket ] It’s my lucky dress! [ they sit ]

Waiter: What can I get you two lovely ladies to drink?

Monica Lewinsky: [ looking ] I’ll have a Bartyle’s & James.

Linda Tripp: I’ll have a Bloody Mary and two Double A batteries. [ Waiter walks away – Linda cocks her head to speak into her fake flower ] So.. former White House intern Monica Lewinsky! Hmm.. I enjoyed talking to you last night about your numerous sexual trysts with President Bill Clinton.

Monica Lewinsky: Oh, I’m really sorry about that. I really talked your ear off, huh? All those names, and dates, blah blah blah..

Linda Tripp: Well, actually, I was hoping we could talk about all that stuff again – but slowly, and a little bit louder.

Monica Lewinsky: You know, Linda, you have been such an amazing friend to me, and all I do is talk about myself. I want to hear what’s going on with you! Do you still want to get liposuction on your jowls?

Linda Tripp: [ covers her flower, emitting a high pitch ] Let’s talk about something else. Tell me what Vernon Jordan said to you.

Monica Lewinsky: Oh, my God! Okay, remember I told you that Vernon and I were talking? And he was giving me advice, and stuff?

Linda Tripp: Yes, yes. Go on. What did Vernon Jordan say?

Monica Lewinsky: He thinks you should get liposuction, too.

Linda Tripp: [ covers her flower ] Anything else?

Monica Lewinsky: [ whispering ] He also said.. he doesn’t think that I should tell anybody about how Bill and I used to.. [ jumps ] Ow! Did you just kick me?!

[ Vernon Jordan pokes his head up from under the table ]

Linda Tripp: Vernon Jordan!

Vernon Jordan: Hello, Miss Tripp. [ to Monica ] Hello, you unidentified young lady. [ winks ] I was just searching for my contact lenses down here. [ in Monica’s ear ] Listen.. ixnay on the ellitio-fay. Or there’ll be no job at evlon-Ray. Enjoy your meal! [ stands and walks away ]

Linda Tripp: Damn, those Democrats and their secret languages!

[ Waiter returns with the drinks ]

Waiter: Here’s your Bloody Mary.. and here’s your Bartyles & James.

Monica Lewinsky: Thanks. I love BJs!

[ Waiter walks away ]

Linda Tripp: Now, Monica, tell me about the sexual liasions you have with Preisdent Clinton at the White House.

Monica Lewinsky: Well.. okay. Last time I saw Bill was, like, right after Thanksgiving. He had this private screening of that movie “Titanic”. God, it was wild. That thing was so big and so long. I couldn’t believe it took two full hours for it to go down! It really surprised me when it bent in the middle..

[ camera pans right to reveal Bob Dole sitting at a table in the rear. He turns to face the camera. ]

Bob Dole: [ shakes head ] Bob Dole would never let the American presidency sink to this level. You know it, Bob Dole knows it.. the American people should have known it!

[ camera pans back to Monica and Linda ]

Linda Tripp: ..Alright, enough about the movie. Did you have sexual relations with President Clinton?

Monica Lewinsky: We already talked about that, Linda – the night that you told me that you boned that guy from the Promise Keepers in the bathroom fo the Smithsonian! Did he ever call you back?

Linda Tripp: [ covers flower, high pitch ] Enough about me! Did Clinton ask you to lie?

Monica Lewinsky: Well.. I’m not supposed to say.

Linda Tripp: That’s it! [ grabs Monica, pulls her up to the flower ] You tell this flower what you did! That you’re a dirty, dirty girl, and you had dirty, dirty sex with a dirty, dirty President!

Monica Lewinsky: No-o!

Linda Tripp: Say it! Or I’ll knock that dirty smile off your face! Say it!

Monica Lewinsky: Okay, okay! [ turns to the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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