The Ten Commandments
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
[ the prophets agree ]
Moses: And the Lord has sent before you, this Fifth Commandment – “Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother”!
And the Sixth Commandment: “Though Shalt not Kill”![ the prophets agree ]
And the Seventh: “Though Shalt not Commit Adultery”![ silence ]
What? What did I say?
Voice Among the Prophets: It’s a little unclear!
Moses: What?! Someone dares question the Word of God!
Clinton: [ steps out ] Not question, really. I mean.. you know, it’s just a little unclear. I mean, adultery, what exactly does that mean? [ laughs, holds smug thumbs-up ]
Moses: Well, I think it’s pretty self-explanatory – Though shalt not know any Woman other than Thy Wife.
Clinton: Yeah, right.. look, Moses.. hear me out on this one, okay? Is it technically adultery, let’s say, if you just let a woman know you? No! Because you’re not really knowing her back!
Moses: I don’t follow.
Clinton: Aw, c’mon, Moses! You know what I mean – maybe she.. knows you.. some.. other way! Like, not with her loins, you knowww..? She could even be fully dressed..
Moses: [ appalled ] Oh, come on. You’re not asking what I think you’re asking, are you?
Clinton: What?! You gotta admit, it’s not really that clear, right people? [ the people agree ]
Moses: Oh, yes, it is clear! What you’re talking about is definitely adultery!
Clinton: [ sighing ] So, God told you to do that exactly?
Moses: Well, no, we didn’t talk about that..
Clinton: Yeah? Well, then how do you know? This is pretty damn important, maybe you should go ask Him.
Moses: I’m not going to ask God that.
Clinton: Fine. I’ll ask Him. [ Moses tries to stop him, but he walks behind the mountain. He returns almost as soon as he left. ] I asked Him, He said it was okay.
Moses: No, you didn’t! You did not just talk to God!
Clinton: I did, too! You know, I asked Him about doing the thing, you know, down there, and He said, “Hey, go to town!” He said just don’t let anyone else know about it. You can put that one right there. [ he points at the tablet ]
Moses: Okay, you talked to God? Then what does God look like?
Clinton: Well.. I mean, He’s big.. uh, He is shiny, and He wears a hat.
Moses: No! God does not wear a hat. Look, the commandment is simple – Though shalt not lie down with any other woman!
Clinton: See? That’s my point! What if you’re not lying down? What if you’re sitting at the edge of your desk?
Moses: Come on, that’s just semantics. Who brought this guy? [ no one claims Clinton ] Look, look.. any kind of knowing is adultery, and that’s that! Now, I’m moving on! [ he presents the tablets again ]Now, then. Though shalt not covet Thy neighbor’s house, nor his goods, nor Thy neighbor’s ass..
Clinton: Wait a minute, Thy neighbor’s ass. What if..
Moses: No! No, no, no.. I know what you’re going to ask, and yes, that is defintely adultery.
Clinton: Okay, but what if she knew you with her hand?
Moses: That’s it. You are not worthy to receive these commandments! [ he throws the tablets to the ground, destroying them. Thunder strikes ] You perverts! [ he exits behind mountain ] [ Prophet picks up the broken pieces. Clinton examines them. ]
Clinton Wait, whoa whoa! Did he break the one that had adultery on it?
Prophet: Yeah, I think he did.
Clinton: Okay, good! [ examining the pieces more closely ] Okay, see, look? This is great, we have five commandments. That’s all we need! You understand, we got all the good ones. Am I right? [ he turns to address the crowd ] Now, I want to talk about building a bridge to the 12th Century..