SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 02/07/98: Martha Stewart Living

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 12

97l: John Goodman / Paula Cole

Martha Stewart Living

Martha Stewart … Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: Martha Stewart shares highlights from her trip to Cuba.

Martha: I’m Martha Stewart. Golden plantains, aromatic hand-rolled cigars, vibrant peasant textiles. Last week the Pope and I visited Cuba, a country known for its lush vegetation, quaint Castilian architecture and hideous oppressive communism.

Tomorrow on “Living,” I’ll show you the most important thing you can learn about Cuba when I share some elegant and creative ways to escape from this poverty-stricken cesspool of a nation.

The raft has long been the flotation device of choice for Cuban émigrés. I made this one from some sun-bleached driftwood, woven together with raffia. I’ll show you how to build rafts that are functional, visually pleasing, and able to withstand shark attack.

All international travelers need a passport. But when you’re ripping yourself from the clutches of a militant, leftist dictator, your passport may need a little doctoring. With just some aged parchment paper and a jar of India ink, I was able to turn Carlos Enrique Lopez into Kenneth Matthews. Now Kenneth does all my landscaping.

Of course, nothing is more useful to the fleeing Cuban dissident than the latex surgical glove. It’s a classic. This all-purpose, weather-proof, traveling case can be stuffed with jewelry, money or food to sustain you during your trip. I’ve stuffed this one with bean cake and a fresh guava chutney. And best of all, they can be easily hidden in your nether quarters. I’ve got my lunch hidden there right now.

I spent seven days in the crumbling ruins of Cuba before hauling ass back to the Hamptons. And take it from me, the life of a bourgeois capitalist pig is a pretty good thing.

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

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