Who’s More Grizzled?
Jim Greer…..Norm MacDonald
Tate Mitchum…..Garth Brooks
Prize Keeper…..Jim Breuer
Jim Greer: Hello, everyone! I’m Jim Greer, and it’s time once again for “Who’s More Grizzled?” the game show that finds out who is the roughest, toughest, most hardbitten old-timer around, so let’s bring out our contestants. He is our returning champion.. [ audience applauds as Wayne enters ] Yes, you have some fans in the audience, Wayne. You are a former sharecropper and a World War II veteran who hails rom Adler, Mississippi. So, what are you up to these days, Wayne?
Wayne: I mostly been huntin’ and whittlin’.
Jim Greer: Well, that is great. Now, let’s meet your opponent, he worked on an offshore oil rig until he broke his back, now he is a prospector. Please welcome Tate Mitchum! [ Tate walks out ] Welcome, Tate, and it looks like Wayne has his work cut our for him, because you, sir, are extremely grizzled!
Tate Mitchum: [ stares ] I don’t much care for you.
Jim Greer: A lot of people don’t – save it for the game! Let’s get started. The categories are: “War”, “Hard Times”, “Bear Attacks”, “Ailments”, “Dead Wives”, and finally “Coal Mining”. And, Wayne, as the returning champion, you pick first.
Wayne: I don’t much cotton to these computers today.
Jim Greer: You are good! As always, I’ll pick for you. Let’s try “Ailments”. The question is: “How things treatin’ ya?”
Wayne: I can’t complain. My leg hurts, it means it’s bound to rain. Wish them doctors at the VA could get that shrapnel out of my shoulder.
Jim Greer: That is correct! And, my, you are grizzled. It’s still your board, Wayne.
Wayne: A lot of people don’t know I was the first man to get a team of horses up Bear Mountain!
Jim Greer: [ pause ] Let’s go with “War!” The question is: “Grandpa, tell me a story.” [ Tate buzzes in ] Tate!
Tate Mitchum: I was separated from our unit, came across a bunch of Germans asleep a field. Bayonetted every last one of them! Didn’t find out ’til later the war had been over for a week.
Jim Greer: Very nice, Tate!
Tate Mitchum: When I was your age, I didn’t call my seniors by their Christian name!
Jim Greer: Well, I’m sorry, sir.
Tate Mitchum: Keep it, boy, I’ll take a strap to ya!
Jim Greer: I wish I could give you points for that grizzled exchange, but I can’t. Let’s go to “Dead Wives”. The question is: “Life’s hard, isn’t it?”
Wayne: Damn right it is, Sonny! I lost Adeline in childbirth 40 years ago! Every Spring, when the dogwoods bloom and the foals take a first step, I think of the way she.. [ buzzer ]
Jim Greer: I’m sorry, that’s wrong. No, no that wasn’t grizzled, that was wistful. [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum, you can take a commanding lead here!
Tate Mitchum: I’ve buried wives, but a father should never bury a son. It was the flood of ’52, we were all caught on the levee, but.. I don’t want to talk about this no more.
Wayne: Yes! Yes, that is the answer! Well, now, you know what time it is? It’s time for the Grizzled Speed Round! This is your chance to catch up, Wayne. One minute, $200 a question, let’s begin. Money! [ Wayne buzzes in ]
Wayne: I don’t believe in banks, I keep my earnings in a coffee can!
Jim Greer: Correct! Government! [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum!
Tate Mitchum: They oughtta keep their damn noses out of people’s business!
Jim Greer: That’s right! Higher Education! [ Wayne buzzes in ] Wayne!
Wayne: Never had much cause for book larnin’!
Jim Greer: Yes! Immigration! [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum!
Tate Mitchum: Got a strong back, we can use you!
Jim Greer: Correct! Religion! [ Wayne buzzes in ] Wayne!
Wayne: The day I set foot on that beach in Normandy, I never wished more that there was a god in heaven, and I was never more certain that they wasn’t.
Tate Mitchum: Damn.. you are grizzled..
Jim Greer: We have a winner, and still champion – Wayne Little! Wayne, let’s take a look and see what you’ve won!
Prize Keeper: You have won some salted meats and a bottle of Rebel Yell!
Jim Greer: Thank you both for playing, and, Wayne, enjoy your prizes!
Wayne: No, no, I don’t need your charity, they ain’t no such thing as a free lunch where I come from! Now, if you’ll excuse, I got some work to do. [ exits ]
Tate Mitchum: I’ll be waiting for you after the show!
Jim Greer: Okay, that’s all the time we have! Thanks for joining us on “Who’s More Grizzled?”