Loew’s Previews
Wife…..Molly Shannon
Husband…..Garth Brooks
Black Man in Rear of Theater…..Tracy Morgan
Angry Man…..Will Ferrell
Disturbed Man…..Jim Breuer
[ open on exterior, Loew’s Theatre presentation of “Sphere” ]
[ dissolve to interior of theatre ]
Wife: Oh boy, I am looking forward to this.
Husband: Yeah, you know, they say the guy who wrote “Jurassic Park” wrote this.
Wife: Mmm.. and I hear Sharon Stone is excellent!
[ lights are lowered ]Husband: Hey, it’s starting!
Wife: Great! I hope they have some good previews.
Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
Sit back and relax
and enjoy the show!
Previews Announcer: Coming this Spring from Tri-Star Pictures..
In a land where there is no daylight, fire is a way of life.
Husband: Ooh, this looks good!
Clint Eastwood: Burn, baby, burn!
Previews Announcer: “The Fire King”.
Husband: Man, I love Eastwood! I’m definitely going to see that one!
[ bouncy music surrounds next preview ]Previews Announcer: Meet Diane Carvenal. She’s got just two days to learn how to juggle, or she’ll lose custody of her only son.
Shelley Long is: “My Mom, The Mime”. Rated R.
Husband: That looks awful. How do movies like that get made?
Wife: I know what you mean..
Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ exubirant ] That looked funny!
Wife: Boy, you know, I really wish they would just hurry up with the movie.
Husband: Oh, here it is. I think it’s starting.
Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
Sit back and relax
20 more minutes of previews.
Wife: [ groans ] [ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ] [ SUPER: “Twenty Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ]
Previews Announcer: And this cop doesn’t have a badge or a gun, because he’s not a cop. John Ratzenberger is.. “Not-a-Cop”.
Wife: Well, that should be about it..
Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
You’ve been very patient
so here’s more previews!
Husband: Oh, come on!
Angry Man: Start the movie!
Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ overjoyed ] Yeah, more previews!
Previews Announcer: Joe Nukem just found out he has terminal cancer. That means he only has 24 hours left – to rock!
[ Music Pot: “Panama”, Van Halen ]Wife: Oh, come on! Now that is just poor taste!
Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ laughing ] He got sunglasses on!
Previews Announcer: Hal Linden and Shelley Long star in.. “Panama”.
Husband: Hey, look, it’s been, like, over 30 minutes. You want to get out of here?
Wife: Let’s go.
Husband: Come on.
[ stand up and race to exit doors ]Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
Don’t think about leaving
The doors are locked from the outside!
Husband: What?!
Wife: Come on, they can’t be serious..
Disturbed Man: [ trying to force open the locked doors ] It’s true! We’re locked in here!
Wife: Oh, my God!
Previews Announcer: Shelley Long has just met the man of her dreams. The only problem? He’s a puppet!
[ Music Pot: “I Feel Good”, James Brown ]Wife: You already used that song!
[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ] [ SUPER: “Two Hours Later” ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ]Previews Announcer: See the award-winning film from Pakistan – “Vendetta of Ganesh”. Starring Shelley Long.
Wife: God, why are there so many Shelley Long movies?! I’m getting really thirsty..
Husband: My cell phone won’t work, either. They’re jamming it..
Black Man in Rear of Theater: These previews are hilarious!
[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ] [ SUPER: “The Next Day” ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ] [ Music Pot: “I Feel Good”, James Brown ]Wife: Water! I need water!
Husband: I’m sorry, I’ve got some melted ice.
Wife: Please! Give it to me, then!
Angry Man: Hey, I found half a box of Junior Mints!
Disturbed Man: Give me those, you son of a bitch!
Previews Announcer: Rhea Perlman is Shelley Long, in “The Shelley Long Story”.
[ movie patrons start to tear Man apart, limb for limb ]Angry Man: Owwww!! Owww!! They’re tearing me apart!
[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ] [ SUPER: “A Month Later” ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ]Husband V/O: Dear Diary: It’s been 32 days now. Helen has clearly gone insane..
Wife: [ hysterical ] Shelley Long has died for your sins, you sons of bitches!!
Husband V/O: Still, the previews won’t stop..
Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
Drink your urine and sleep
underneath your seats!
Disturbed Man: [ angry at Black Man smiling in back row ] I can’t stand it! I can’t stand it! He won’t stop smiling!
Husband: Come on, man, leave him alone!
Disturbed Man: [ beats Black Man with Man’s detached arm ] Stop smiling! [ face widens in horror ] Oh, God.. Oh, God..
Husband: What is it?
Disturbed Man: He’s got no lower half! He’s eaten his own legs!
[ everyone screams abd starts to run out ofthe theter, until.. ]Previews Announcer: And now, our Feature Presentation.
[ everyone smiles and returns to their seats, as the movie begins and the scene fades ]
[ everyone screams abd starts to run out ofthe theter, until.. ] Edit needed, “abd” should be changed to “and” add a space between “ofthe” correct the spelling of “theter” to “theater”. This is one of my favorite sketches on SNL. Thanks for sharing this.