Loew’s Previews


Loew’s Previews

Wife…..Molly Shannon
Husband…..Garth Brooks
Black Man in Rear of Theater…..Tracy Morgan
Angry Man…..Will Ferrell
Disturbed Man…..Jim Breuer


[ open on exterior, Loew’s Theatre presentation of “Sphere” ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

Wife: Oh boy, I am looking forward to this.

Husband: Yeah, you know, they say the guy who wrote “Jurassic Park” wrote this.

Wife: Mmm.. and I hear Sharon Stone is excellent!

[ lights are lowered ]

Husband: Hey, it’s starting!

Wife: Great! I hope they have some good previews.

Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
Sit back and relax
and enjoy the show!

Previews Announcer: Coming this Spring from Tri-Star Pictures..

[ Husband’s eyes widen in excitement as he watches the preview ]

In a land where there is no daylight, fire is a way of life.

Husband: Ooh, this looks good!

Clint Eastwood: Burn, baby, burn!

Previews Announcer: “The Fire King”.

Husband: Man, I love Eastwood! I’m definitely going to see that one!

[ bouncy music surrounds next preview ]

Previews Announcer: Meet Diane Carvenal. She’s got just two days to learn how to juggle, or she’ll lose custody of her only son.

[ Music Pot: “I Feel Good”, James Brown ]

Shelley Long is: “My Mom, The Mime”. Rated R.

Husband: That looks awful. How do movies like that get made?

Wife: I know what you mean..

Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ exubirant ] That looked funny!

Wife: Boy, you know, I really wish they would just hurry up with the movie.

Husband: Oh, here it is. I think it’s starting.

Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
Sit back and relax
20 more minutes of previews.

Wife: [ groans ] [ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ] [ SUPER: “Twenty Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

Previews Announcer: And this cop doesn’t have a badge or a gun, because he’s not a cop. John Ratzenberger is.. “Not-a-Cop”.

Wife: Well, that should be about it..

Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
You’ve been very patient
so here’s more previews!

Husband: Oh, come on!

Angry Man: Start the movie!

Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ overjoyed ] Yeah, more previews!

Previews Announcer: Joe Nukem just found out he has terminal cancer. That means he only has 24 hours left – to rock!

[ Music Pot: “Panama”, Van Halen ]

Wife: Oh, come on! Now that is just poor taste!

Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ laughing ] He got sunglasses on!

Previews Announcer: Hal Linden and Shelley Long star in.. “Panama”.

Husband: Hey, look, it’s been, like, over 30 minutes. You want to get out of here?

Wife: Let’s go.

Husband: Come on.

[ stand up and race to exit doors ]

Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
Don’t think about leaving
The doors are locked from the outside!

Husband: What?!

Wife: Come on, they can’t be serious..

Disturbed Man: [ trying to force open the locked doors ] It’s true! We’re locked in here!

Wife: Oh, my God!

Previews Announcer: Shelley Long has just met the man of her dreams. The only problem? He’s a puppet!

[ Music Pot: “I Feel Good”, James Brown ]

Wife: You already used that song!

[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ] [ SUPER: “Two Hours Later” ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

Previews Announcer: See the award-winning film from Pakistan – “Vendetta of Ganesh”. Starring Shelley Long.

Wife: God, why are there so many Shelley Long movies?! I’m getting really thirsty..

Husband: My cell phone won’t work, either. They’re jamming it..

Black Man in Rear of Theater: These previews are hilarious!

[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ] [ SUPER: “The Next Day” ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ] [ Music Pot: “I Feel Good”, James Brown ]

Wife: Water! I need water!

Husband: I’m sorry, I’ve got some melted ice.

Wife: Please! Give it to me, then!

Angry Man: Hey, I found half a box of Junior Mints!

Disturbed Man: Give me those, you son of a bitch!

Previews Announcer: Rhea Perlman is Shelley Long, in “The Shelley Long Story”.

[ movie patrons start to tear Man apart, limb for limb ]

Angry Man: Owwww!! Owww!! They’re tearing me apart!

[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ] [ SUPER: “A Month Later” ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

Husband V/O: Dear Diary: It’s been 32 days now. Helen has clearly gone insane..

Wife: [ hysterical ] Shelley Long has died for your sins, you sons of bitches!!

Husband V/O: Still, the previews won’t stop..

Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
Drink your urine and sleep
underneath your seats!

Disturbed Man: [ angry at Black Man smiling in back row ] I can’t stand it! I can’t stand it! He won’t stop smiling!

Husband: Come on, man, leave him alone!

Disturbed Man: [ beats Black Man with Man’s detached arm ] Stop smiling! [ face widens in horror ] Oh, God.. Oh, God..

Husband: What is it?

Disturbed Man: He’s got no lower half! He’s eaten his own legs!

[ everyone screams abd starts to run out ofthe theter, until.. ]

Previews Announcer: And now, our Feature Presentation.

[ everyone smiles and returns to their seats, as the movie begins and the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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