Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Cinder Calhoun…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Garth Brooks

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Helloooo-ho! Thank you, folks! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn. [exhales]

Rocker Tommy Lee was jailed Wednesday after allegedly attacking his wife, Pamela Lee. Pamela has gotten an emergency restraining order saying that Tommy isn’t allowed within five feet of her…and his penis isn’t allowed within 50 feet of her.

Illness prevented Barbara Streisand from performing a duet with Celine Dion at the Grammy Awards this week. At the last minute, Streisand developed a violent allergic reaction to sharing the spotlight.

Also at the Grammys, Shawn Colvin’s speech was interrupted by a rapper named Ol’ Dirty Bastard. He was charged with two counts of public disturbance and one count of stealing the President’s Secret Service code name. [applause] Now, did you see this guy? Who would think a guy named Ol’ Dirty Bastard would start trouble? I guess in the long run, it was all worth it just to hear Dan Rather say the phrase “ol’ dirty bastard.”

The news that came out this morning on the Clinton sex scandal is that the White House may admit that Clinton kissed Monica Lewinsky, but nothing else happened. “We just kissed.” Great. All those Washington minds and the best they can come up with is the same excuse I gave my girlfriend when I was 15 and I came home from the class trip with a hickey on my neck. Bill, it didn’t work for me n – then, and it’s not gonna work for you now.

A Christmas card signed by John F. Kennedy days before his assassination was sold at an auction this week for 11,000 dollars. Meanwhile, Sotheby’s auction house is still trying to unload a box of Ted Kennedy’s “Sorry I Threw Up at Your Kid’s Christening” cards. [cheers and applause] You know…it’s gotten so bad that Ted Kennedy is a reference for drunkenness even among the Kennedys. They sit around, “This guy was drunker than Ted Kennedy. Sorry, Uncle Ted. It’s a figure of speech, Uncle Ted.” “No, I understand, guys.”…That was me doing Ted and…someone named Kennedy.

Ash Wednesday was this week, signifying the start of Lent, a 40-day period of fasting and repentance. In an effort to be more current, the Catholic Church now officially refers to Lent as “March Madness.”

According to a European Union study, the Irish are reproducing six times faster than the rest of Europe. Yeah, of course! Hey, you try to put on a condom after eight pints of Guinness! [some applause]

In Pakistan, three men who were convicted of sodomy were allowed to live after surviving the execution method of having a brick wall fall on them. The sentence had been imposed by supreme leader Wile E. Coyote.

Mayor Giuliani is closing all the New York strip clubs. Now, if you want to see naked people dancing in New York, you have to ride the subway like everybody else.

“Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood” turned 30 years old this week. The groundbreaking show was the first to teach young boys that it is okay to be friends with a man in a sweater that lives alone. [applause and cheers]…Ah!

Prison guards in California are accused of pitting inmates against each other and holding gladiator-style fights for the guards’ amusement. The prison officers now face criminal charges and a possible TV production deal from FOX.

Three Japanese businessmen checked into a Tokyo hotel this week and hanged themselves because they were in debt. They had to go to a hotel to hang themselves? See, that’s what’s wrong, no wonder they’re in debt. They could’ve hung themselves at home for free.

A drunken Anna Nicole Smith crashed a bar mitzvah in Beverly Hills. The former Playboy model proceeded to dance with the bar mitzvah boy until she was dragged away. She later returned and married the young man in hopes of inheriting his 300 dollars in savings bonds.

A bearded woman and her companion were shot to death this Tuesday at a karaoke bar by a man who was upset that the woman wouldn’t leave with him….I don’t know what’s more depressing: that the guy killed two people, or that he was trying to pick up a chick with a beard…or that he was at a karaoke bar on a Tuesday night….The man was charged with murdering two people and a couple of Sinatra tunes.

Henny Youngman…Henny Youngman, King of the One-Liners, passed away this week…earlier this week, at the age of 92. Mr. Youngman had been ill for some time. Last September, doctors gave him three months to live. When they found out he couldn’t pay his bill, they gave him three months more. [applause and cheers]

And now, joining us again, Lilith Fair stand-up comedian Cinder Calhoun!

[pan over to Cinder]

Cinder Calhoun: Thanks, Colin. Um…I’m not really your, quote, “garden variety,” uh, unquote, stand-up. I really consider myself more of a free-form comedic artisan…so…

Colin: Oh!

Cinder: …you should, yeah, you should probably put that in your pipe.

Colin: Okay!

Cinder: So…

Colin: So what have you been up to lately?

Cinder: Um, well…actually, while Lilith has been on hiatus, I got a gig doing crowd warm-up for Farm Aid IX in [exaggerated Spanish accent] San Antonio, Texas…and…Paula Cola – Cole came to check out my set, and I had just rocked the house with a hilarious Aboriginal fertility joke. Um, I just told the classic about the shaman, the midwife, and the Zulu warrior all trapped in a menstrual pit. Um, I know we all know it, so I won’t bore anyone. [Colin laughs] But I was walking offstage, and I walked smack into a solid wall of pure earth-tilling heartland muscle that goes by the name of Garth Brooks. [cheers] Yeah. There we are. I mean….I turn to Paula Cole, and I just go, [singing] “Now I know where all the cowboys have go-o-ooone…” The three of us were dying, it was so funny, it was unbelievable. Anyway, um, he told me that he’d join me here tonight, so I’m really honored to have him.

[Cheers and applause for Garth Brooks. Garth joins Cinder with his guitar. Cinder grabs her guitar underneath the desk.]

Garth Brooks: Thanks, um, uh…what are we gonna sing tonight?

Cinder: Um…actually, Garth, um…there’s a reason I brought you here tonight.

Garth: Yeah, I know, but um…what is it?

Cinder: Um…it’s just…um…I don’t mean to…I’ve had partners of all shapes and sizes, but, when I met you, Eros whispered in my ear, and Sappho high-tailed it back to ‘Frisco. Um…what I’m trying to tell you, um…well, I wrote a song about it for you, and I hope you’ll join me on it. It’s called “Adonis in Blue Jeans.”

[lights dim as the song begins with Cinder and Garth playing their guitars]

I’m a wandering troubadour
Never thought I’d want a home with a hearth.
But then a tall drink of denim walked into my life,
And now I’m in love with Garth!

[Garth becomes shocked and uncomfortable for the rest of the song]

You’re my Astro-cowboy, you’re the yang to my yin.

Garth:
It’s an awkward position that you’re putting me in!

Cinder:
I want to marry Garth,
settle on a farm, till the land until we’re eighty!

Garth:
Thank you, ma’am, but I’m already married to a much more attractive lady. [brief applause]

Cinder:
You’re my Adonis in blue jeans!

Garth:
I don’t know what that word means!

Cinder:
You’re made to boogie, while I meditate!

Garth:
you make tabbouleh while I meditate/You just mentioned two things that I hate!

Cinder:
I’m in love with Garth!

Garth:
She’s in love with Garth!

Cinder:
I’m in love with Garth!

Garth:
She’s in love with Garth!

Cinder:
I’m in love with Garth!

Garth:
She’s in love with Garth!

Cinder:
I’m in love with Garth!

Garth:
She’s in love with Gar…

Cinder and Garth: …ar…aaaarrrrth!

[end of the song; cheers and applause as lighting returns to normal]

Cinder: So will you be my life partner?

Garth: No!

Colin: Mr. and Mrs. Garth Brooks, everybody!

Garth: [angry and annoyed] Oh, come on!

Colin: Come on! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

[fade to black]